God's Awesome Gift: KSU

In Search of the McGinnis Interview

2010-08-05T21:24:00.003-03:00

News is breaking left and right concerning a supposed interview between GAG KSU and San Jose State University graduate assistant, Bryan McGinnis. It's time to set the record straight. There never was an interview between GAG KSU and Mr. McGinnis, was there? No, there was not. Okay, good. That would have been my guess.

In the past, some have mistaken Bryan McPennis of San Jose Univeristy for Bryan McGinnis. And GAG KSU did once interview Mr. McPennis. So, that could have been the source of confusion regarding Mr. McGinnis. But the truth of the matter is that no one from GAG KSU ever spoke with Mr. McGinnis . . . . . UNTIL NOW!!!

BRYAN MCGINNIS IN HIS OWN, ACTUAL WORDS

GAG: Let's start from the beginning. You started playing football at age six. Now, have you ever done an interview with GAG KSU before?

BM: What is this, i am Bryan McGinnis, and i did not do this interview, and i did not authorize my name and pic. Please take this down asap.

GAG: Do you have any interest in replacing Bill Snyder at KSU?

BM: What is this, i am Bryan McGinnis, and i did not do this interview, and i did not authorize my name and pic. Please take this down asap.

GAG: Why are you in such a hurry to leave San Jose State? Are you unhappy there?

BM: What is this, i am Bryan McGinnis, and i did not do this interview, and i did not authorize my name and pic. Please take this down asap.

GAG: Mr. McGinnis, could you give us some sort of authorization that you are, in fact, Bryan McGinnis?

BM: What is this, i am Bryan McGinnis, and i did not do this interview, and i did not authorize my name and pic. Please take this down asap.

GAG: Final question. What do you think of goEMAW.com?

BM: What is this, i am Bryan McGinnis, and i did not do this interview, and i did not authorize my name and pic. Please take this down asap.

Frank Martin Memorial Parade Scheduled

2010-01-05T18:27:00.007-03:00

For NEVER!

Get a life, losers.

Local Beat Writer Looking Forward To New Job

2009-08-24T14:07:00.007-03:00

The Kansas City Star and Wichita Eagle announced a new hiring to cover the Kansas State beat, balding Kansas graduate Kellis Robinett. When reached for comment Kellis seemed confident the upcoming year would provide plenty of fireworks, "I mean, their basketball coach is a Mexican! Can you believe that?" He was also excited about moving closer to his college roots, "With Lawrence less than two hours away I can get back to my comfort zone whenever I need to take a break. I mean, there were white people in South Dakota but Lawrence is really where we shine. I'm heading to Applebees for some apps, you wanna go?" It wasn't all smiles for Robinett though, "The bad part about this job is I had to delete my blog. The Hawks are gonna be pretty good this season too! I heard Bill Snyder's a Jew."

Matt Saracen is our QB

2009-07-20T12:36:00.002-03:00

We here at GAG are bearish on the upcoming season. Why? Because everything that touches purple goes right to shit. Do not pass go, do not collect 6 wins and a bowl game. Straight to shit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5UidzFHIys

In bizarre, yet completely unsurprising, move Bob Krause hires Ron Prince as "Life Transition Coach"

2009-06-30T10:14:00.006-03:00

(Charlottesville)- "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." That must be the quote ringing in the ears on former Kansas State Athletic Director and V.P. of Institutional Advancement Bob Krause. Word leaked today that Bob Krause secured the services of Ron Prince in another shocking and stratospheric stint as his coach, but Prince won't be focused on the gridiron. He'll be focused on the x's and o's, and $'s. Bob Krause has hired Ron Prince as his "Life Transition Coach."

In the paperwork leaked to GAGKSU Prince will be called upon to "provide financial, career, personal, spiritual consultation and representation as Mr. Krause pursues progress toward meeting his goals during this period of transition." The contract further gives Prince "power of attorney" designates him "executor of Bob Krause Trust" and elects him as "Sheriff of Horizon Ranch." As for compensation, Prince will be paid a $2 million signing bonus, be entitled to a $500,000 base salary as "Life Transition Coach." But that is only part of Prince's compensation package, in addition In Pursuit of Perfection (Prince's Limited Liability Corporation) will receive Non-Taxable Municipal Bonds worth an estimated $2.5 million after interest. These notes were issued issued through "Krausetown" signed by, you guessed it, Mayor Bob Krause. Apparently, Krause has recently filed paperwork with the state of Kansas to incorporate Horizon Ranch as a town under a seldom used provision of the Homestead Act of 1862.

In this bizarre move befitting the bizarre pair, the two have once again entered in to an agreement, although this team the secret hardly lasted long enough for the ink to dry. As of posting time neither Krause nor Prince could be reached for comment.

Happy Father's Day!

2009-06-21T18:55:00.003-03:00

Today, I'd like to say thank you to my best friend. Dad. Sure we moved around a few times as kids and dad wasn't there there a lot. But dad always did whatever he could for us. We all got our education's paid for by dad's job and after I punted my way to a degree from State, dad hooked me up with Max Urick. He's kept me there ever since. But I never knew just how much he loved me until I was reading the Audit of the dirty old man Bob Krause. Dad put himself on the line to make sure I wasn't fired by that mean old Krause. Now that dad's back running things I feel so warm inside. Everyday I walk in to Bill Snyder FAMILY Stadium, I feel like dad's finally giving me the hug I worked so hard for.

Thanks dad, you're the best.

Love,

Sean

Football Grad Asst. in latest Costly KSU Athletics Buyout Scandal

2009-06-19T17:01:00.007-03:00

(Manhattan)- Another name has joined the K-State Athletic Department's list of employees with costly buyouts. Former Kansas State Quarterback and current Graduate Assistant Football Coach Jonathon Beasley is the latest implicated in the ongoing scandal involving bonuses included in contracts given out to Athletic Department employees under the leadership of Athletic Director Bob Krause and University President Jon Wefald. The incentives for this buyout were a bit unusual according to a copy of the contract obtained by GAGKSU. Included in Mr. Beasley's otherwise modest contract was a termination clause that would provide for: "100 Chipotle burritos and a one year pass to Kansas State Union's Bluemont Buffet" upon termination of Mr. Beasley's contract with Kansas State. Incoming Athletic Director John Currie and Mr. Beasley could not be reached for comment.

Why Carson Coffman should be the guy with his hands on some sweaty center's taint come September 5th

2009-06-18T15:02:00.005-03:00

This post is about why Carson Coffman should start at Quarter-back for the intercollegiate football team that represents Kansas State University. I will demonstrate that this is the correct decision based on the following reasons:

1) Carson Coffman has a striking similarity (in physical appearance, mental profile and intangibles) to Quarter-back Matt Saracen featured on the Documentary "Friday Night Lights" on the KSNT affiliate of the National Broadcasting Corporation's Friday night programming.

2) Matt Saracen in said documentary unexpectedly leads his team to two consecutive State Championship games (winning the first and losing the second) while fending off challenges as QB1 from "dual-threat" thugs and "pretty-boy" hype machines

3) Due to these similarities, I believe that Carson Coffman is my first choice Quarter-back, "Field General" and QB1 for Kansas State University's Intercollegiate Athletic Football Club.

Alright! First let's start with looks. Looks are very important to a Quarter-back.

Enough said.

Now, let's talk X's and O's:

There are different types of Quarter-backs in intercollegiate football and they basically fall in to three groups. I will rank them in order of my favorites:

1) Field Generals- These guys are pure grit. Usually have operated costly farm implements that were bought with crop insurance. Usually were H.S. Quarter-backs that had high degrees of success in 8 man or at most, 3A football. Usually Field Generals have a father in the military. Two great examples of Field Generals off the top of my head would be Carson Coffman and Matt Saracen.

2) "Dual-Threat"- These guys are usually "athletic" and "run-first" and excel "when plays break down." They are pretty awesome if they are good, but sometimes they have attitude problems that are absent among Field Generals. Some quick examples I can think of are Voodoo from Friday Night Lights and Michael Vick.

3) Pretty-boys- These guys are usually coach's kids that are highly hyped. These are those guys you see prancing around at Nike Elite 11 and all those highly publicized All-Star games. They usually are from California and have to be taught how to throw an option pitch or how to take a snap under center without breaking a nail. I freaking hate these guys. Common examples would include: Josh Freeman, Grant Gregory, Chris Simms.

In conclusion, Carson Coffman is very similar to Matt Saracen because they are very similar in appearance, they are very similar in intangibles and therefore logic dictates that their outcomes should be similar. I would say that with Head Coach Bill Snyder and Field General Carson Coffman taking the reins away from ass clown Ron Prince and Pretty Boy Josh Freeman there should be a shock run to the Big XII Championship Game (I am NOT promising a National Championship game because in Friday Night Lights they do not have a National Championship game so it would be very unfair and premature to suggest that comparison......YET!). There will probably be a tough loss early in the year, some close games all the way up to the end along the way. I'll say this as well, Billiam! Watch out for those daughters! Carson will be gunning for them as he seeks a father figure for approval! I know you've been working for Big Brothers/Big Sisters and Bill Carson needs a LOT of love!

I will end with my favorite two phrases that I often say at great volume to support my favorite intercollegiate athletic Football club (AND ALMA MATER!) Kansas State University:

GO CATS!

EMAW! (Every Moment Awesome Wonder!)

Hey Bookcat

2009-06-10T10:21:00.002-03:00

BYE JOSH!

2009-01-02T03:19:00.005-02:00

Dear Mr. Synder:

Please accept this letter as notification that I am resigning from my position with KSU college football. Starting now.

Please forward my last paycheck to my home address.

Thank you for the support that you have provided me during my tenure with KSU college football.

Sincerely,
Josh

Mo Latimore's career advice

2008-12-10T15:11:00.002-02:00

Alright young gun. You're at your first job and the boss man says they may be "making some changes" what do you do? Go in to the office and beg for your job?

HELLS NO!

You go back to your office and pretend like nothing ever happened. Shuffle papers around, make lots of copies, and hit the recruiting trail. Have your secretary keep you in the loop but unavailable until the next schmuck shows up and then you come back his first day and look busy.

Take it from me young man, just act busy, keep trucking and keep your head down. If the new boss comes in to ask questions look up at that motherfucker and say "Excuse me, I'm trying to get some goddamn work done in here!"

That is how you keep your desk, son.

My Snyder Concerns

2008-11-25T00:19:00.002-02:00

Get ready for some "senior moments" Kat Fanz!

OLD BALLS. NEW KATPAK.

2008-11-24T00:49:00.001-02:00

FUCK YOU, BOB KRAUSE.

IT'S FITZ!

2008-11-16T03:01:00.002-02:00

*****!!!BREAKING!!!*****

In a shocking move, Kansas State Athletic Director Bob Krause got way too drunk during the dismantling in Manhattan earlier today, as the Pelini-led Huskers rolled the EMAW'd out GOKATZ who were wearing an ensemble designed by none other than GOD'S in-house fashionista chum1, and decided to pull what many are calling a puzzling turn in the GARY PATTERSON TO KANSAS STATE story which was broken by none other than FitzFuck himself on G0P****cat.com. Over that Friday EMAWrz everywhere watched as Fitz slowly pulled out the beating hope from KAZZU fans everywhere and simultaneously ate and shat on it in what has been called 1 Fitz 1 cup by many a jaded KATPAK'R. When Fitz posted "IT'S PATTERSON!" few believed him, but now his credibility is at an all-time low as Fitz takes the reigns of a program struggling not only for an identity, but also for warm carcasses that have a passing resemblence to Big XII talent. Well, we here at GAG think Fitz may have got the whole GARY PATTERSON IS COMING TO K-STATE AND IS TOTALLY THE NEXT COACH story wrong but hey, we will throw what support we can muster behind his sizable ass.

LET'S GO FITZ! FUCK 'EM!

DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL

2008-11-13T22:36:00.006-02:00

The subject is an old, familiar one: Fan anonymity.

If you wish to protect yours, we suggest removing your name tag.

Photo courtesy of fatty fat fat, bigtime hero to GAG KSU.

We have it on good authority

2008-11-07T21:45:00.001-02:00

Potential coaching candidates

2008-11-06T01:36:00.003-02:00

1. Gary Patterson -- Defensive minded coach who is a Kansas native and K-State alum. Fiery demeanor; a "chip on his shoulder" kind of guy. Outstanding record and virtually spotless coaching job done at TCU.

2. Gary Patterson -- Defensive minded coach who is a Kansas native and K-State alum. Fiery demeanor; a "chip on his shoulder" kind of guy. Outstanding record and virtually spotless coaching job done at TCU.

3. Gary Patterson -- Defensive minded coach who is a Kansas native and K-State alum. Fiery demeanor; a "chip on his shoulder" kind of guy. Outstanding record and virtually spotless coaching job done at TCU.

4. Gary Patterson's left testicle -- Has been coaching with Gary for over 20 years.

Ron Prince Resigned. Or Will Resign. Or Whatever.

2008-11-05T20:05:00.003-02:00

We will never be able to find a better coach than Coach Prince. We may find one that wins more games, but never one better.

Our thoughts and prayers will always be with you, Coach Prince. Bring it around town. Bring it around town.

Game Preview - KU

2008-11-01T09:52:00.010-02:00

KSU is going to win this one for a handful of Gamma Phi's that are going to be dealing with a lot of heartache for the rest of their lives because of this son of a bitch.

KSU - 94 KU- 1

CATMATT: A PERSPECTIVE

2008-10-24T03:14:00.004-02:00

Listen, Catmatt is barely a complete pussy imo. The guy is what he is alright!? I'm posting this becaue he told me to tell the world that he is voting Republican. He's voting Republican for one reason and one reason only (Palin, losers, Palin)

Game Preview: Oklahoma

2008-10-22T15:45:00.004-02:00

All eyes in the Big 12 will be turned to Manhattan for at least the first quarter this weekend as Snyder votary and OU head coach Bob Stoops brings his team of talented, well-paid superjocks into Snyder Stadium to face Ron Prince's merry band of jackasses in a one-sided matchup that the Big 12 will likely never forget.

"We are basically going to get the fuck beat out of us," said K-State coach Ron 'Pimp Juice' Prince. "There is no way in shit we're going to be able to gameplan for this fucking thing. We as a coaching staff just lack the cognitive ability. I watched them play KU last week when I was supposed to be coming up with a strategy for the Colorado game, and they are, like, really good."

Indeed, they are, like, really good. OU brings the second-best offense in the Big 12 (and fourth in the country) into Manhattan. Averaging 544 yards per game, this unstoppable machine has seemingly been preordained by God to shock and awe the 105th-ranked Wildcat Lynch Mob Defense (giving up 429 yards per game) into submission this weekend.

"I make $200,000 a year," said defensive coordinator Tim Tibesar with a grin.

While OU's offense bears comparison to a freight train from Hell, their real strength may lie on defense. Stoops says he wins games with defense first, a stark contrast to Prince's "fuck defense" strategy. OU's defense ranks 34th in the country, which, for the Big 12, is fucking incredible. Stoops discussed his intricate gameplan with this reporter.

"Well, we plan to focus on the one bright spot on offense, their big quarterback [Josh] Freeman," said Stoops, wiping his nose after yet another line of coke. "He is basically the only player worth a shit on their team. He's really big and stuff. So we're really just gonna try to hit him really hard. I mean other than that I haven't really thought about it. I guess you could say I'm not worried about this one."

When asked what he planned to do against the Wildcat defense, Stoops laughed until he shit his pants.

A crowd of about twelve people is expected to gather for the game, which will for some reason be televised on Fox Sports Net at 11:00 AM CST. Asked if he was purposely trying to embarass the Wildcats by putting them on television, Big 12 director Dan Beebe said, "yes." The buzz on campus is palpable, with several students wearing purple shirts. At least one student appeared excited for the game.

"I am going to take this rifle," said K-State student Tom Tomlinson. "And I am going to shoot Prince in the head when he walks his happy ass out on that field."

Let's Play What the Fuck Happened to _____?

2008-10-17T00:46:00.008-03:00

Up this week: JEREMY BLOOM!!!

Most KSU fans rememer Jeremy Bloom as a fucking awesome bump skier. Trivia quiz masters may also remember that he played for the Colorado Buffalo men's football team. And would you believe that Mr. Bloom even got some playing time in a game against KSU? Click on the following link to see some video evidence of that: Click this right here.

There you have it.

So, back to the issue at hand. What is Mr. Bloom up to these days?

Giving back. That's what.

JB founded the Donna Wheeler Foundation. The Donna Wheeler Foundation's mission is to fulfill lifelong dreams to senior citizens.

It sounds a lot like the Make-a-Wish Foundation to me. Except that instead of kids, they use old people. And the old people aren't dying...or, um...well, you know what I mean.

Okay, here's where I was going to write something positive about this Donna Wheeler Wish of a Lifetime stuff. I'm starting to realize, however, that this is a really fucking shitty idea.

Have you ever spent any time around old people? They absolutely live for their simple, mundane daily routine. And why the fuck would they want to go to a Van Halen recording session when they can't hear a fucking thing? Or go base jumping when they might not be able to deploy their chute because they fucking fell asleep on the way down?

Jesus Christ, what a fucking horrible idea. I can't write any more.

Subterfuge

2008-10-16T03:42:00.003-03:00

Webster's Dictionary of American English defines 'subterfuge' as 'deceit used in order to achieve one's goal.' You might be wondering why I bring this up, and if you are wondering, then you're an idiot, a terrible fan and an awful American.

Anyway, you idiots, Ron is clearly just fucking with the Big 12 right now. A lot of people might look at our #111th-ranked defense and think, "we really suck at defense!" Well, I look at it and think to myself, "well played, sir!"

There are two things we know about Ron Prince:

1. He is smart. Really smart.
2. idk

Clearly, a man of such intellect is not actually this bad of a coach. And I have found proof. Using a superb disguise, I was able to access the subterranean vault that contains Ron's Plan. Actually, I'll be honest, there's not even a vault. I found it in the parking lot, kind of behind Planet Sub, lying against the wall near a dumpster, you know, back where that little tiny alleyway goes between the buildings? It's kind of like a secret passage back there, you can go from the parking lot behind Porter's, Hair Shapers, etc., and pop out of that little alley right onto Moro. It's a lot of fun, you should try it. Anyway, there it was, on the ground, covered in semen and vomit, so I picked it up, and read it. On page 4,390 were the following words:

"It is the aspiration of this effervescent organization to ascend with great haste to the upper echelon of our chosen sport. In this regard, it is important for us to have a shitty defense. By featuring a languid, inexpert defense against our primary sextet of opponents, we can then lull the final sextet into a false sense of security. After the sixth game (in which we will allow some random fucker to throw for 419 yards and let the worst offense in the Big 12 outgain us by over 100 yards, by the way we will 44-30 just so you know), we will unleash a breathtaking, stupefying defense the likes of which have never been seen before at any level of football. The looks of shock on our final six opponent's faces will be priceless! In this way, we will march righteously onward up the stairway to college football heaven, ascending ever-on to the greatest heights imaginable."

Now fully erect, I rushed home to post this. It's so clear now! Ron was just fucking with us! Clearly the key to consistently competing for championships is a chunk of clever chicanery! The next six games will see the return of the Lynch Mob, for it has been written, written in the Great Plan. I fully expect us to dominate defensively against Colorado this weekend. We could possibly even hold them to negative yards and points.

I am currently in the process of reading through more of the Plan and will post more information as I find it! Right now I'm on Chapter 17, "How To Succeed In College Football Without Really Trying." It's slow reading because I have to clean off the rat feces from the alleyway but in time I should be able to decipher this Glorious Plan!

Ron Prince Replacement Candidate #5

2008-10-13T21:08:00.003-03:00

Meet Bryan McPennis. Bryan is an assistant at San Jose University. His specialty is offense.

I had the opportunity to do a phone interview with Bryan this afternoon. Here is what I can remember from our chat.

GAG: So, Bryan, are you available to take a head coaching position?

BM: Yes. Yes, I am.

GAG: How soon are you available?

BM: Well, I'm currently at San Jose University through this season...

GAG: What if someone said, "Hey, you can have this head coaching position, but you have to take it before the season is over. That's part of the deal." Would you be available sooner in that type of case?

BM: Yeah, I guess so. Probably.

GAG: All right, then, Bryan. That's all the questions I have for today. Thank you for your time. Good luck with the season.

BUY, BUY, BUY!

2008-10-11T02:12:00.004-03:00

Like the economy, Ronald Prince has to have hit bottom by now. The rebound is here and I, for one, will not sit by idly and not grab this opportunity. You like winners? How about utter losers that are suddenly winners? That's the opportunity you have before you here. Ron could pull one out from nowhere and you'll look like a genius! Penny stocks have made a bunch of morons some money in the past and you are dense if you think it can't happen again. What do you have to lose! In summary:

aTm 31
KSU 37

Nicknames for Lamark Suggestion #1

2008-09-27T02:41:00.000-03:00

How I know Tim Tibesar is a Satanist

2008-09-22T21:48:00.011-03:00

Lately, there has been a lot of talk about how Tim Tibesar is a Satanist. Everywhere you go these days, everyone is sharing their pet theories about how Tibesar is linked with the Hell Beast. At first, I thought this was all bullshit.

But, then I decided to really look into this. Most of you know I read at least one literary publication a week…typically either Penthouse Letters or Miniature Donkey Talk Magazine. I started doing this a few years back after having went to the "Welcome New Coach Ron Prince" event at the 810 Zone in KC when he shared with us that he read a book a week. Just one of the many things I have started doing in an effort to pattern my life after Coach Prince. So, on this particular effort I asked myself "What would Ron do."

(I do this for every decision in my life. I literally just asked myself "Would Ron Prince tell everyone that he asks himself 'What would Ron {or would it be "I?"} do.' I think he would.")

So, I decided to consult Wikipedia.

Turns out, there are like five different satanic denominations (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satanism)...which kinda amused me....but the one that caught my eye was the one founded by this dude Anton Laveyan. He apparently created the "first and largest Church of Satan." This impressed me. I see this dude as a real satanic "go-getter." Very Ron. Turns out that there are these 9 "sins" of satanism in Anton's Satanic Bible. I decided to apply these to Tibesar and see if Tibs suffers from any of these sins.

1. Stupidity: Tibesar graduated from North Dakota with a 4.0 grade point average in economics. According to the experts (http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/541491/top_5_hardest_majors_in_college.html?cat=4), economics is one the top 5 hardest college majors. No sin here.

2. Pretentiousness: Utterly absent from Tibesar. Shuns the bright lights of Fargo for the solitude of Manhattan, Kansas. Plus, he makes lots of self deprecating dick jokes.

3. Solipsism: This is the philosophical idea that "My mind is the only thing that I know exists,” but the Satanists interpret this as “Do unto others as they do unto you” (meh, that’s what it said). This one is a slam dunk. Tibs knows that Ron fucked him when he made Lamark a wideout. In return, Tibs took a dive on the Louisville game. Clearly doing to others as had been done to him. Ruthless.

4. Self-deceit: Look, Tibs doesn’t bullshit, and he for damn sure doesn’t bullshit himself. He’s not going to trick himself into thinking that he isn’t cut out for the Big 12, that he should have coached more than one year in D1 before taking over a lead coordinator job for a BCS school. Not Tibs. Very self-aware cat, IMO.

5. Herd Conformity: While the “sheep” are running the 4-3 defense, Tibs wipes his ass with the 4-3.

6. Lack of perspective: Sometimes he is in the booth, sometimes he’s on the sideline. That’s perspective.

7. Forgetfulness of Past Orthodoxies: Tibesar has seen the 4-3 repackaged a dozen times…Cover-2, Tampa-2, 4-6, Nickel, Dime…He’s not fooled.

8. Counterproductive Pride: None present. Some people would be walking around like a cock in the henhouse after the drubbing that Tibesar’s unit put on Montana State (UND’s rivals), but not Tibesar. He kept that shit in check. Laser focused on throwing the Louisville game and sticking it to Ron.

9. Lack of Aesthetics: Does not suffer from this. Have you noticed that he is “winking” in every picture? It’s true. Go check out every picture of this guy. Fucking winking in all of them. That’s a keen recognition of the aesthetics of a sweet-ass headshot.

You don't have to be Burt Reynolds to figure this one out. Tim Tibesar is a Satanist.

Obviously a interweb blog entry like this is going to generate an avalanche of attention to this topic. Maybe too much attention. Let's just hope that when the bright lights and microphones start getting jammed in Tibs' face, he has the strength to trust in his faith. It may well be the only thing that can save this team.

Cheer For KSU With No Shame

2008-09-20T13:08:00.004-03:00

Want to attend KSU games anonymously? Go, then, and just wear a bag over your head. You already knew that, though.

What if you want to take things to the next level? Can you attend games anonymously and cheer for KSU, too? Yes, you can!

Get yourself a KSU fan mask and turn the stadium into a giant purple stormtrooper masquerade party!

Go to KSU games
Hide your identity
Cheer for KSU
Mingle with other masqueraders
Possibly have a good time
Leave your shame at home

You can have it all!

Tough To Wait This Long For More Domination

2008-09-19T19:01:00.006-03:00

This has got to be one of the toughest stretches of a college football season I have experienced. I mean, two Saturdays in a row without a game!? Bad news for Louisiana Lafayette who Ron Prince (genius) has had two weeks to prepare for. The Cats are 2-0 going into this cupcake cakewalk of a bakery smorgasbord. 3-0 going into Big 12 play is a no-brainer. I would worry too if I was Texas Tech as you know Ronald and the staff (geniuses) have been preparing for them on the side.

BE A GAG KSU CONTRIBUTOR

2008-09-14T01:46:00.002-03:00

Want to contribute to this blog? Email gagksu@gmail.com and we'll sign you up.

Posting guidelines:

Don't whine.
Don't be a homer.
Don't be gay.

Humor is encouraged.
Photoshopping / ghetto MS Painting is also encouraged.

Posts that are too short, too shitty, or too off topic will be deleted. So put some fucking thought into what you're posting, okay?

Chalmers and Arthur Probably Addicted to Hardcore Narcotics

2008-09-06T12:27:00.007-03:00

Surprising nobody, Darrel Arthur and his BFF Mario Chalmers were busted for possession of hardcore elicit narcotics their very first day in the real world. The University of Kansas does nothing but create excellent role models for our youth. Congrats heroes!

Game Preview - Montana State

2008-09-05T13:54:00.008-03:00

Welcome Montana State. What do we know about them? Their mascot is probably some sort of cowboy guy or maybe a horse or something. That's it. Nobody from God's wanted to travel up there and visit their stink-town and get a look at their crap-team. I'm assuming Ron Prince thought the same so look for a lot'a WTF!? moments in this one. I can see KSU getting out to an early lead and steadily increasing their lead as the game goes on. Hold onto your hats is all I'm saying. Guy on the right is former KSU QB Jonathan Beasley. He is known for two things: whining KSU fans constantly calling him underrated and the fact that he wasn't nearly as good as Michael Bishop. Don't take this game for granted is what I would tell nobody because I am taking it for granted.

Final Score - KSU 52 Montana State STFU

Game Preview - North Texas

2008-08-28T14:07:00.004-03:00

d00ds, GMAFB with this North Texas team. They suck, ok, horrible. Josh Freeman is going to throw for eleven hundred yards and 9 scores while kicking field goals instead of extra points to add insult to injury. You ever heard of a little something named Keithen Valentine!? Not your grandma's Valentine, because your grandma wouldn't like it when he mows her down midfield with a stiff arm to the box. She'd much rather have one of your pussyfied valentines with Garfield on it and a candy puke heart that says "be mine". North Texas is led by a quarterback who always hurts his vagina and leaves the game anyway so he won't factor in. Their backup is probably terrible as well. Didn't research their line, running backs or wide receivers because I'm that sure they are fucking terrible. Offensive preview over jerk-asses. Let's get to the D. Tons of it on the State side. Almost none on the NT side, because they blow. Players to watch for are the KSU guys. Special teams come down to who can kick and run. We know Josh Freeman can do both for tons so we get the nod there. Coaching comes down to Ron Prince (genius) vs. North Texas coach (dumbass)...you tell me who gets the coaching nod!

Final score: K-State 42 North Texas 38

Prince Re-upped? Sweet.

2008-08-08T02:54:00.002-03:00

Ron Prince Extension

2008-08-08T01:01:00.004-03:00

Congrats on your well deserved 5 year extension Coach Prince! Let's hope the next 5 are as good or even better than the last 2! GO KATZ!

Reesing Outed?

2008-07-28T01:03:00.004-03:00

Hey, guys. Remember when that reporter guy did that story about Todd Reesing being gay and liking to suck cock and all of that? (A recap is here.) Well, Todd has responded and it looks like that reporter guy had Todd all wrong. Go to hell and suck Todd's cock, reporter guy.

Reesing Outed?

2008-07-23T02:07:00.006-03:00

Renowned kick ass journalist Tim Griffin is in the process of trying to out Kansas football douche Todd Reesing on super gay friendly ESPN.com.

In the first part of Griffin's exclusive interview, Reesing talks of his passion for dancing and sucking on cock. Reesing is rumored to have thought that he was speaking off the record and now denies saying that he likes to suck on cock.

Personally, I don't know what to believe about Reesing and sucking cock. He's probably not really gay. But here are some additional excerpts from the interview. I say you be the judge. Or don't be.

TG: So, Todd, you say that you like to suck on cock. Are you gay or what?

TR: Yep. Totally.

TG: Other than dancing and sucking on cock, what sorts of gay things do you like to do?

TR: I'm a big fan of interior design. I like watching all my design shows on TV and then sucking on cock.

TG: Do you do any designing yourself or do you just watch on TV and suck on cock?

TR: Yes, yes, and YES!

TG: Tell me about some other gay things you like to do.

TR: Well, let's see. I like to play volleyball with naked dudes.

TG: I see. You love playing all kinds of sports, don't you?

TR: Actually, I don't really care for volleyball. I just like to watch dudes' cocks flopping up and down.

TG: Let me guess. You then suck on those cocks after the match?

TR: Ewww. Gross. You mean suck on those sweaty, sandy volleyball cocks?

Um, yeah, I do. What can I say? I just love sucking on cock.

d00ds! You Know Me!

2008-07-18T00:33:00.004-03:00

Guy at work pretty sure he isn't Ron Prince. Would appreciate it if you knocked it the fuck off RIGHT now.

Ron Prince Replacement Candidate Numbero Dos

2008-07-03T01:22:00.004-03:00

Want to know who would make an excellent replacement for Ron Prince? Here's a hint. Who is someone that really fucking loves Manhattan? Bob Stoops, you say? Uh, yeah, that's it. Bob Stoops. I didn't expect you to get the answer so quickly, but whatever, man. You got it.

Bob Stoops fucking loves Manhattan. He fucking loves it. That much is certain. Throw on a v-neck sweater and head down to Kite's on any given night of the week and you're likely to catch Bob being Bob. That Bob is crazy, man. That dude is just crazy.

Here's another hint. Who proudly throws on a KSU logo over their officially licensed red and white (crimson and cream) coaching gear whenever the opportunity arises? ("Crimson and cream" was another hint.) Okay, yeah. Bob Stoops. We already knew that, I guess. Moving on.

CONNECTIONS. As many of you know, Stoops worked at Florida State prior to giving his notice, packing his bags, and leaving in order to have his so-called "Decade of Dominance" at Oklahoma. Well, what most of you don't know is that, prior to all of that stuff, Bob worked with ex-KSU head coach Bill Snyder at Iowa before Snyder left Iowa to coach at KSU. In a nutshell, this means that Bill Snyder knows Bob Stoops.

Now, I don't know if we want Bob Stoops or not. But all indications are that he's ours if we do. This is great news, KSU fans!

GO CATS!

Finally Rid of that Crazy Bastard

2008-06-28T09:41:00.007-03:00

Good luck with all of that, Pat.

Sucker.

KU Expansion More Than Just Clip-Art/Porta-Potties

2008-06-28T02:34:00.008-03:00

In a bold move by anyone's standards, Lew Perkins has approved the construction of new "Ultra-Suites" at the KU football/track facility (pictured left). "We knew that, in order to keep up with the big dogs of the state of Kansas, we would need to market our attraction to the elite of the elite fans," Lew announced, "We believe that these premium seats will attract the kind of season ticket holder the University of Kansas football and field day event teams covet." It wasn't all hoopla and parades with this announcement though. KU faced stiff financial barriers in instituting such an aggressive construction effort. "We gathered cans for months and had cake raffle after cake raffle but we finally came up with the seven hundred and fifty bucks needed to make this happen," Lew told the gathered pedestrians outside of the Memorial Stadium parking lot. "We believe this puts us right up there with the Liberals and Garden Citys of the world.... Hell, we purchased our porta-potties from the same vendor Ness City got theirs from and we were told we got a newer model since Ness upgraded theirs." When asked what other expansions KU may have in store for their fans Lew gave a sly wink and suggested the work may not be done, "Coffeyville Community College may not be fourth in the state in concession locations for very many more years." Stay tuned Hawk fans, this could be an exciting ride!

Pelini May Or May Not Love Rape (Probably Does)

2008-06-21T02:16:00.011-03:00

This week God's is continuing it's look into the culture of rape in and around the trash schools of the Big 12. We now turn our attention to the most notorious "rapers" of the bunch...Nebraska. You think the prisoners still run this asylum? This is not your slightly older brother's Nebraska, friend. Gone are the days of Tom Osborne organizing team "train rides" on innocent campus females. You see, noted drunk Bo Pelini has decided to institute a zero tolerance policy on each and every player. No longer will there be dirtbag coaches allowing the Peters and Phillips of the world to terrorize and sexually assault the campus co-eds. No sir, you see, when a TE gets his third DUI in the span of one year he will be walking a tight rope of suspension if he even THINKS about getting the fourth. If an offensive lineman gets charged with first-degree sexual assault he better pray to God that he doesn't get charged with ANOTHER first-degree sexual assault or he could be humiliated with running stairs in front of the team. We are talking about ZERO TOLERANCE here folks. God's would also like to publicly announce it's non-affiliation with the disgusting campus newspaper The Daily Nebraskan that had the gall to write a piece questioning Coach Pelini's disciplinary tactics. Have you forgotten where you reside? Have you no respect for the highest office in your state? How dare you sirs..how dare you. Your disgusting link follows > STAFF EDITORIAL: Pelini Blocks DN, Reverses Decision - Opinion

The New Rock Chalk

2008-06-17T00:32:00.005-03:00

From now on, rock means rape. Oh, and chalk? That also now means rape. Why? It's because Jayhawk student athletes these days just can't get enough raping. They love to rape. They fucking love it.

The latest Jayhawk to profess his fierce crush on rape is Sherron "Otis Dick" Collins. Sherron (M) (Yes, (M)!) thumbed his nose at America today when he pretended that he was too stupid to understand that he needed to go to court due to pending rape charges. (As if he's never been there before!)

It's reported that Sherron had intended to go to court. When the time came, however, he found himself to be much too busy raping.

Thanks to ksuno1stunner for the recently taken photo of Collins.

'Grats!

2008-06-14T00:32:00.005-03:00

GAG would like to congratulate R. Kelly and Jocques Crawford for being able to continue their careers after raping someone. Congrats heroes!

What's the Matter with Lawrence, Kansas?

2008-06-07T00:09:00.001-03:00

Ron Prince Replacement Candidate Numbero Uno

2008-06-03T00:20:00.004-03:00

What do you do when you’re just not very good at life? I don’t know. Quit? Hell no. Never give up. Hire someone? No way. He may tell you to quit.

So, what do you do if one of your subordinates just isn’t very good at life? Tell him to quit? No way. That’s bad management. Hire someone that will tell him to quit for you? Hell yes!

Iowa athletic director Gary Barta is hiring a life-skills advisor for his department. This can only mean one thing. He wants someone to advise Kirk Ferentz that his life is best lived somewhere other than Iowa City.

A natural move for Ferentz would be to Manhattan, Kansas. Inside of Bill Snyder’s abdomen.

Later this year, after Ron Price waddles the sidelines for the last time, Ferentz would become the Kansas State head coach. Bill Snyder would merely serve as host coach and would act as something like a security blanket - something that KSU fans could quickly and easily look at in order to quell anxieties about the state of the football program. Basically, he’d function no differently than Tom Osborne in Nebraska.

I'm starting to feel better already. Please, God, make this happen.

GO CATS!

How many more games will you play for KSU?

2008-05-28T22:04:00.004-03:00

Okay, Dave, I can see that's a big zero for you. You say you had issues with trying to get an additional year of eligibility? Well, that's understandable, I suppose.

What about you, Bill? Is that a big zero for you, too? Well, just what the fuck is your problem? You have plenty of eligibility. You say that you want to get rich? No? That's not right? You say that you want to get rich, bitch. Okay, now I've got it. Go, then, young Bill. Go find your riches and your bitches and your ho's and whatever else you're looking for and go do those things that you young guys like to do. God bless America.

AND, AS ALWAYS, GO CATS!

Stewart Excited About Prospects

2008-05-24T02:58:00.004-03:00

Kansas State graduating point guard Clent Stewart is excited about his prospects, "You know, I've gotten some calls," Stewart remarked when asked about endorsement deals many players get. "The NCAA was quick to get in touch with me this season, I mean, they contacted me before Big 12 play started!" Stewart worried about keeping his eligibility and not breaking rules. "The NCAA kept calling and wanting to talk to me regarding their new campaign about athletes going pro in something other than sports. I was interested but had to tell them that it would have to wait until after my senior year or I could get in trouble!" Clent hopes the NCAA is still interested and assures GAG that he is, indeed, planning on going pro in something other than sports.

NFL's #1 Most Wanted Player

2008-05-21T23:34:00.006-03:00

We’ve been saying like forever now that Josh Freeman is the college player rated highest by the NFL. It’s a no brainer, really. Coach Ron’s reputation of developing top NFL talent alone tells us this. We need look no further than to the legend of the scumbag, burden to society, worthless POS who turned into the all pro Packer wide receiver. You look so beautiful, Jordy.

Now, however, we have solid proof. We have it from the mouths of the NFL scouts themselves that Freeman is indeed the NFL’s #1 most wanted player.

How do we know? We know because someone in the know let Jeff Martin know who then let us know. This inside info came from none other than Coach Ron himself.

I know what you are thinking. Why haven't I heard this before? Most coaches would have been trumpeting this kind of juicy yet sensational news to every major sports and sports related media source in the globe. Especially when you consider that Michael Beasley is sort of stealing all of the thunder away from the football team as the NBA’s #1 most wanted player. Put in this position, most football coaches would be like, "Me, too! Me, too!"

Coach Ron, on the other hand, just kind of casually let this info slip out while he was chatting with some alumni. But that’s just the kind of thing that separates someone like Coach Ron from all the rest. Thank God for that.

GO CATS!

Clip-Art Confident In Sustinance

2008-05-17T03:44:00.011-03:00

In a follow up story to a previous interview with KU football mascot Clip-Art, he's now confident he'll have a serviceable place to eat, "Looks like they're at least building a mid-level high school cafeteria for the employees to eat at....I mean, it doesn't look like much but it appears they may have room for a salad bar. Do you know when they'll break ground on the football facility?"

A 30 something Jayhawk tries to "play it cool" on Mass post-Championship

2008-05-14T02:24:00.004-03:00

Hilarity ensues!

Off Season for Self Getting Weirder

2008-05-12T19:51:00.002-03:00

Amidst reports that he has been running around the KU campus copping feels off of hottie co-ed victims, Bill Self has just done the unthinkable. I mean, it’s not unthinkable because of its heinous nature or anything like that. It’s just that you would never in your wildest dreams have imagined something like this happening because it’s so fucking bizarre.

Yesterday, Self was seen at the Liz Claiborne Outlet Store in Lawrence on his hands and knees and looking up skirts of store mannequins. Witnesses say that he looked up the skirts of three white mannequins and then was attempting to lift up the skirt of a black mannequin with his teeth when he realized that he was being watched and ran out of the store.

While Self has apparently done nothing illegal, he definitely weirded out a lot of people at the outlet mall. The store manager isn’t going to consider banning Self from the store, citing awesome free pub as the reason.

Generic Clip-Art Football Character Has Seen It All Now

2008-05-07T22:39:00.008-03:00

The generic clipart football character was recently included in something he never thought he would be a part of, "You have to be absolutely fist fucking me!" said Clip-Art, "I've been on tons of cheap homemade birthday party invites and grade school pee-wee league signup sheets but this is nuts." His exasperation stems from his sudden and strange inclusion on the new University of Kansas football facility. "Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be here," said Clip-Art, "My only concern is that they may have second thoughts once they realize that the 3.1 million dollars they paid the architectural designer went straight up his nose and he shot me to them via hotmail the day his design was due. I mean, I was the third option after typing 'football player' in the Google image search."

"Self Copping Feels" Issue Continues To Fester

2008-05-05T16:12:00.003-03:00

Despite a huge media blitz over this past holiday weekend by the University of Kansas's Athletic Department, the buzz surrounding Bill Self and his habit of copping copious amounts of Jayhawk cheerleaders continues to be a sore spot for University officials. A spokesperson for the university commented to GAG: KSU off the record that "We tend to give coaches free reign in this area, and for good reason, however, Bill's actions have us rethinking our strategy in this space."

Hard to argue with anyone wanting to grab an occasional, stray, mooseknuckle. But to do it at such an historic and tradition laden venue such as Allane Field House in Lawrence, home to KU's Jayhawks, seems to almost reek of sacrilage.

As the head of facilities at Allane Field House, Parrish McWilliams has seen his share of what he calls "handsy coaches". Quoting Mr.McWilliams "sure, Larry loved the cheerleaders, Roy loved them all, grabbed ass all the time, and tits too! But Bill Self, he takes the cake, then grabs its ass."

All the while, Coach Self tries to address the problem in a more "hands-on" manner..."I just won the National Championship!" the Coach was quoted as yelling from his Lexus as he and Mario Chalmers drove by our reporters, apparently the pair were heading to Pita Pitt this morning for an unusual and oddly timed snack break.

See pic below, dude.

2008-05-02T01:50:00.007-03:00

Can you say Larry Eustachy? Well, by the time you do, the powers that be at the University of Kansas will have had the photo seen directly to the left removed form the Lawrence Journal-World and those responsible for its appearance fired, blacklisted, and kicked in the nads really hard. As per usual.

It's a pretty fucking good thing, then, that I learned how to "right click" followed by "save picture as" just the other day. Unfortunately, we now have documented evidence ON RECORD that the rumors you've heard about Bill Self copping feels up all around the KU campus are true, true, true. NCAA investigations are sure to follow. Major embarrassment is sure to follow that. And precede it, as well.

HERE ARE MY TERMS:

I will take this picture down when and only when the University of Kansas forfeits its 2008 national championship title. I will then not disclose any intel that I have obtained regarding Bill Self copping feels up. (Fans can keep their championship t-shirts.)

RON PRINCE FUN DAY!

2008-04-23T18:04:00.003-03:00

Do you like shooting guns? At people? Well, then, what do you think about Ron Prince?

One lucky KSU fan will soon win the fourth annual Dodge City Catbacker purple pride camouflage gun. In attendance for the presentation: Coach Ron.

After he dropped Fresno State off the schedule, we weren't sure. But it seems as though Coach Ron does indeed have some balls after all.

Remember, coach: Don't squat with your spurs on.

Ron Prince Seen Making The Rounds On ESPN

2008-04-22T11:53:00.005-03:00

In what can only lead to more good publicity for the Kansas State football program Ron Prince (pictured left) has recently been seen by this God's contributor making the rounds on the ESPN family of networks including a daily appearance on popular program PTI. Well, keep up the good work coach and we all look forward to a great 2008!

Kansas State Spring Game Recap!!

2008-04-20T23:36:00.004-03:00

Manhattan, KS- The Purple and White game was a thrilling match-up of defensive juggernauts as the Whiteys edged the Purps by a field goal on a picture-esque day in the Valley of the Wheat on the Plains by the Dam. The White sideline erupted in orgasmic exultation upon the oblong leather inflatable soared through the perpendiculars (Above). The previously suspect defense toyed with the two offensive sides leading Sophomore Linebacker Olu Hall to sum up the day thusly: “I thought that the defense did really good on both sides of the ball.” Later adding: "And the offense totally sucked balls on the third side of the ball."

On the offensive side of the ball, Josh "16 karat Golden Boy" Freeman (Above) seemed oblivious that the state of affairs was offensive. Freeman seemed dazed and confused and brought a family-size bag of Funions and an industrial bucket of Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing to the presser explaining, "You guys have no idea. I was in the zone. We ran soooo many plays dude." Freeman and the offensive team emerged amid a plume of smoke and the Junior quarterback hinted that celebrations might have started a day early "Life is just so complex, man. It's like we were talking about life, the offense and life, you know? Do you ever think about something and then you want to say what you're thinking about, but then you start thinking about what you're saying as you're saying it and you wonder if it makes any sense at all?"

But the Weekend Fan-Fest was not quite as "festive" for everyone. Some attendees were disappointed to arrive to find that the promised pre-kick concert featuring "The Goo Goo Dolls" had been canceled. Longtime Hutchinson resident and self-proclaimed "Goo face" Jacob Douchenberry. "We hadn't heard about the cancellation. It was a real let down." To make matters worse, others pointed out that the Wamego Tulip Festival conflicted with this year's annual pigskin kick-off. Dolores and Orville Turnipson of Tecumseh, have been attending both events for 37 years together. "We've never had the both on the same day," exclaimed Dolores. "I might not make it all the way through the game," said Orville, adding "I might take a nap or two."

Overall the day can be summed up by the box score with Cherry popping one through in the fourth quarter to save the assembled faithful from the specter of more scoreless football in overtime. Cherry's 51 yard score was the perfect end to an akward first date for Wildcat players and fans. Hopefully with some more practice and confidence the future will hold some more sustained drives, some more scoring and maybe even a successful foray in to the Endzone. Wildcat fans seem willing to go there, but the team still seems to be working things out on their own. Here's hoping for a more successful and exciting season than this fucking boner bruise of a Saturday.

Really it says it all.

2008-04-20T23:33:00.002-03:00

Lawrence, KS: Bottomless pit of awkward white guys

2008-04-18T20:30:00.005-03:00

Kansas Jayhawk defensive coordinator Clint Bowen presents the Ray Evans Defensive MVP Award to Aqib Talib and James McClinton then wishes he understood what they said to each other.

QUICK HITS OFF THE PIPE

2008-04-16T20:12:00.004-03:00

What's been going on so far this spring:

1. Spring game draft. Defensive coordinator Tim Tibesar surprised everyone when he took cornerback Josh Moore #1 in the spring game draft. Moore is a good pick. It's just that everyone thought he was looking at Josh Freeman. You know, because of the lazy eye or whatever it is.

2. Extra sweaty coach. Word around town is that Ron Prince has been boinking the wife of one of his assistant coaches. As hard as it is to believe considering who we're dealing with, Coach Ron will have to sweat this one out and pray to his false, evil god(s) that this thing will just kind of go away on its own.

3. Rookie coaching wanted. While Coach Ron isn't a rookie coach, in his frantic, desperate search for anything that might help save the impending disastrous season, he is seeking the counsel of those who have no experience coaching football. It's reported that Virginia defensive end Chris Long advised Coach Ron to utilize Ian Campbell in a way that would minimize his strengths. Coach Ron was surprised to discover that he hadn't adequately done exactly that last year and then thanked Chris Long for his graciousness and beauty.

Latest Huggins Drinking Game! (Not all that good, IMO.)

2008-04-10T19:29:00.001-03:00

Enough is Enough

2008-04-05T05:32:00.006-03:00

Everyone knows Ron Prince is a cold blooded son of a bitch when it comes to the day to day operations of Kansas State Football. But he goes another step further and has the brass balls to pin his opponent for a FIVE count as opposed to the traditional three count in the ring. Listen Ronald, we know you are a fairly decent wrestler but we don’t want to see you embarrass your opponent. Be the bigger man and leave the ring after the 3 count. I’m half tempted to contact the management of the World Wrestling Federation and complain about your shenanigans. Don’t even get me started on your “manager” Jimmy Hart who does the showboating FIVE count for you in front of the, what I can only assume to be, booing crowd. Point is: GAG will no longer stand for your one-upmanship. From now on, every time you feel the need to “5-count” your opponent I suggest you think about the crowd and fans that came to watch you perform. Got it!?

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

2008-04-05T00:17:00.002-03:00

Free Mustache Rides!

2008-04-04T18:41:00.007-03:00

Somebody Keep Bob Away From The Ladys.

OWWWWW!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

2008-04-03T17:35:00.001-03:00

The Devil

2008-04-03T10:09:00.004-03:00

Alright jerkstores, it's your ole' hero again, the fucking Devil. A lot of people have been talking at length lately about "selling your soul". Well, as the consumer at the end of these transactions I thought it was time to shed a little light on the subject for you dumbsticks that act like you know what's what. First of all, you can't just proclaim that you're selling your soul and expect to get top market value. For example, Ron Prince has tried to barter with his soul about a gazillion times but the Devil wasn't born yesterday pal. A lot of people thought I had something to do with the Josh Freeman acquisition. Well, to tell you the truth, that one surpised even the Devil. Arthur Brown in return for your crapty soul? Give me a fuckin' break, Ronald.

The Devil always has been a big softy for some good college basketball soul selling. The Larry Brown/Danny Manning's dad soul package deal was a real monster. Manning Sr. will still be fondly looking back on his "coachin' days" while I'm shoving a red hot coal so far up his fucking ass for all of eternity it just may have been worth it to the old truck driver. How Larry Brown keeps coming up with souls to sell is beyond me. Kansas State, a new player in the soul selling game, has a lot of potential. They seem to be getting their water legs when it comes to fair trade value. I really stuck it to them with the Huggins deal but they rebounded nicely on their next transaction.

That raises another issue. Some folks think a school or individual only has one soul. We call these people morons. There are many ways a person or school can come into possession of more than one soul. The soul game is a fair and open market. Alumni can donate their soul to their alma mater (The Pickens, as we call it) and coaches can acquire booster souls in exchange for goods, services and permission to act like a retard (The Gardner Special).

This is just the basics, I will be back periodically to highlight the trends and transactions in the soul market. If you are interested in bartering please see my right hand man, Lew Perkins. He's on my Verizon friends list so we can talk as long as we want without having to worry about overages.

Racist Coach Rankings: Fun, Not Always Accurate

2008-04-02T22:06:00.005-03:00

You know what I love about sports? It's the diversity.

Good stuff today from Exalted Cyclops Wizard Tom Dienhart who provides a ranking of the Big 12 coaches from the viewpoint of a white supremacist.

Am I surprised that Mark Mangino is as high as he is? Or that Mike Sherman is as low as he is? At first, yeah. A little. But that's nitpicking. Dienhart absolutely nailed the aspect of the rankings that he is always most concerned with. And you have to give him props for that.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

2008-04-02T17:37:00.004-03:00

Kansas State Athletic Department calls Ron Prince's tenure "April Fools Joke"

2008-04-01T20:18:00.003-03:00

MANHATTAN- Interim Shadow Athletic Director Bob Krause
announced today that Ron Prince's tenure as Head Football Coach at Kansas State University has been "an extended April Fools joke." At a 2pm press conference held at Krause's informal office located on a reserved barstool at Harry's Uptown, Krause added, "I hope everyone can enjoy a hearty laugh now. I mean Bold and Daring, Ad Astra Per Aspra? Fucking come on! You guys had to figure it out by then, right?" Krause expressed incredulity, between sips of his single malt 21 year scotch on the rocks, at the surprised reaction of the press corps and pushed further "You really thought we'd hire him if it weren't for yuks?"

In an accompanying statement released this morning by K-State Sports Information Director Kenny Lannou, Former Athletic Director and current Deputy Big 12 Conference Commissioner Tim Weiser explained the rationale for the decision, "After Coach Snyder retired, we were looking for something to brighten the mood. In the athletics game everyone works on a three year plan, so we set April 1, 2008 as the target date." When asked if the departure of Bob Huggins or the extended tenure of Jim Woolridge had been previous long running jokes as well, Krause commented: "No, we just fucked those up."

Summing up Wildcat Nation's response would be difficult. Reactions varied and conflicted with drastically different opinions across different groups of supporters. Barney Benson a longtime Wildcat fan and 1972 alumnus seemed angry and confused: "My fucking Ahearn Scholarship Fund checks weren't a joke! They really dicked me here, but I don't even know what to think."

Jack Mehoff a junior in Open Option expressed surprise, but welcomed the joke, "I didn't see that one coming, but that is hilarious." Adding, "I'm so high right now."

Over at gopowercat.com, Tim Fitzgerald gave his insiders a heads-up on this with a post just minutes before Krause's announcement letting them all in on the joke. Asked why he hadn't previously mentioned the joke Fitz explained, "I pretty much knew the whole time, I just wanted fans to get the full experience of the April Fools joke. I didn't want to spoil it, you know?"

Contrast that with the response at Ksufans.com by former booster and message board poster sonofdaxjones "This is my last post on here. Some shit is probably going to go down now and I just want to say thank you to all those who believed me when I said these motherfuckers were capable of anything. God Bless, EMAW! and Go STATE!"

Maybe the person who put the whole day in perspective best was Ron Prince himself "This is my team." After a day of twists, turns, revelations and surprises it is best to remember that Ron Prince is the joke.

This man must be stopped.

2008-04-01T14:50:00.003-03:00

You know who this is? Matt Walters. To be honest, he sucks balls. Why do I care? Because he is a sideline reporter and local sports talk personality.
So? Well, Matt "FuckShit" Walters is on record as saying the following:

"In essence, KMAN tries to give high school wrestling as much coverage as possible," said Walters.

What an asshole! I know. Not only does he sound like a retarded Walrus, but he doesn't even talk about K-State sports all the time. No! He takes entire segments to update us about the Riley Co. Falconettes Girls Softball tourney and the Rock Creek Mustangs Backyard Wrasslin' Mania Fest. Seriously? Not to mention his incessant Royals/Chiefs chat. Nothing pisses off a true Wildcat fan more than seeing a local yokel who doesn't know shit about K-State, hammering home a Posnanski or Grunhard talking point about how Larry Johnson is not a role model or Mike Sweeney is a hometown hero. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. How is he as a sideline reporter? Awful. His delivery is so slow that by the time he mentions that the player looked like they may have been out of bounds Wyatt has missed the next play. You know what its like when Wyatt gets confused. How does this piece of shit have a job? No one knows. Maybe its because he covers all the high school stuff so people that post on gopowercat like him, thus Fitz likes him. FITZ! I know, it all comes back to that bald blob of gooey slime with the emo glasses. We've been FITZ'D!

Motto Time!

2008-03-31T20:45:00.007-03:00

Prince mottos. Let's quickly recap!

2006: Bold and Daring! (7-6)

2007: Power of One! (5-7)

Thanks to Levi Wolters for actually reading words in the media guide and getting the scoop on Ron Prince's latest stroke of genius for 2008:

Ad Astra Per Aspera!! (AWESOME!)

What's good:

1. Acknowledging that, at times, and maybe more often than not, we are going to suck really bad this year. For God's sake, don't act like there won't be difficulties. Lay it out there for everyone to see right from the get go.

2. Tie-in with state motto. It's much harder for people to hate this team when they associate it with their state. You might call it allegiance or loyalty. I call it fucking genius.

What's bad:

1. Not corporate sounding enough. In order for Prince to be successful, he needs to act like a Fortune 500 CEO as much as possible. It's obvious he understands this. That's why the new motto is something of a head scratcher. But still genius.

2. Tie-in with state motto. Kansas isn't known for much. Basketball more than football, I suppose. And you have to wonder if people watching KSU play football going to start daydreaming about sitting in Allen Fieldhouse and watching the Jayhawks make dunks and stuff.

The Devil

2008-03-29T03:30:00.005-03:00

Listen jerks, I'm the fucking devil, OK!?

Wait a minute P.C. America!

2008-03-28T14:23:00.003-03:00

We here at GAG occasionally take a break from the daily grind of covering our beloved KANSAS STATE UNIVERSITY WILDCATS to comment on the hopeful, depraved, monotonous world around us (focusing primarily on the Manhattan/Konza Prairie locality and Central Plains region). That said, let me say something America (if that's even your real name) you are a p.c. nanny fart and are totally bummin me out.

In case you haven't heard, I direct your attention to some local news:

Katherine J. Harder, a language arts teacher at a Manhattan High school, in Manhattan, Kansas has been arrested and jailed on suspicion of unlawful sexual relations.

Used to be, P.C. America was a bunch of pointy-headed liberals in the ivory towers on the Atlantic coast with their fiery gaze of devil worship lasers firmly fixed on Europe. NO LONGER! Now these self-proclaimed "experts" have written laws that say that if you have a total boner for your English teacher they throw her in jail.

OBJECTION YOUR HONOR!

We here at GAG strongly object to the idea that totally horny 17-year old dudes can't get down with totally willing/hot 31-year old English teacher babes. If you take that away we predict no less than the collapse of our long revered institution of Public Education for All. If you got zits and an out of control dork, if you have a penchant for creative writing that gets your hot teach moist, if you are for freedom and liberty and everything that is right with America, than surely you will agree that this federally funded COCK BLOCK SHALL NOT STAND!

With that, I end with a hearty:

GO STATE!

Snyder Buzz: Special Guest Riding

2008-03-26T21:48:00.004-03:00

Some of Bill Snyder's favorite things to do since he was mercilessly forced out of his football coaching position by THE MAN are guest riding and special guest riding.

This weekend, Snyder will be special guest riding at the Central Championships' opening ceremonies.

Snyder said that guest riding is important for our young people and then something about leadership.

Snyder plans to publicly praise Jenny Giraldin who not only stuck to her plan to compete against Fresno State, but also triumphed against them. He then commented that the world needs more people like Jenny Giraldin and less people like Ron Prince. He then commented that his previous comment would not be included in his public address.

Signs Of Imminent Dominance: UNLV ed.

2008-03-25T20:01:00.005-03:00

Just how loaded with talent is this KSU team? Basically, if you don't make KSU's roster, you can go and compete for a starting job at one of college football's elite programs.

That's what happened with Heivaha Mafi who is absolutely tearing shit up at spring practice.

Mafi, described as someone who "puts it all on the table to win," was dropped like a bad habit by Ron Prince, described as someone who "is only interested in championships."

"[KSU was] the No. 1 school on me," Mafi said. "They tried to get me. I went out there and visited. I liked it. I don't know what happened."

The People Have Spoken: I AM > WE ARE

2008-03-24T20:02:00.006-03:00

I don't care how many conference and national championships Ron Prince wins in the next one to ten years, this is embarrassing. Really embarrassing.

Not all that long ago, we were all stupefied by Prince's glitzy business sense in general and apparent prodigy like aptitude for marketing in particular. "This guy could make fish and sharks and coral and other sea life love water through ingenious mass media ad campaigns," we all thought to ourselves.

We were wrong. While we were busy worshiping Ron Prince for his idea to print up some "We Are K-State" t-shirts and hold a meet and greet by the student union, some local Hollywood guru at Fresno State was winning awards, procuring sponsors, and even creating a website (!) for their own, better "I Am Fresno State" slogan.

Utterly humiliated, Ron Prince has now decided that he no longer wants to play Fresno State and is backing out of the game like a little bitch. This is the embarrising part that I was talking about before.

We are now forced to deal with the reality that, not only did we not hire the marketing genius that we once thought we did, but we also got a guy that doesn't even want to coach. Please tell me it can't get any worse!

What's on tap for 2008: Brady Kroeker

2008-03-21T23:46:00.003-03:00

Not much happening in the world of KSU sports again, so it's time to start looking at candidates for team captain. First up is Brady Kroeker.

Kroeker's sack total fell last year to 4.5 from 11.5 in 2006, his tackles for loss from 17 to 11, but league coaches still thought enough of him to vote Kroeker first team all-Big 12 off a sketchy overall defense for the second consecutive year. He’s the best pass rushing end in the conference by reputation, and athletic enough to project as an outside linebacker in the NFL. In other words, the kid’s, you know, bona fide. These are the best pics we could find.

"I'm taking you down with me, number 18."

"You just got JACKED UP!"

Omaha 2008: The Real Battle

2008-03-20T11:29:00.004-03:00

When people tell me about World War II, I start leaning back in my USD 383 issued chair and drool spittle on my shirt. Whenever I come to, I let out a gaping yawn and give the teach a good "BOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRREEEENGGGGGGGGG!!!!" to let them know what's up.

Why? Do I hate history? Am I retarded? Am I an asshole? No, not really. I just like logic and facts.

FACT: Omaha is in fucking NEBRASKA holmes. I don't know where you got your shiny little Education degree (probably not at the first and most prestigious Morrill Land Grant Institution of Higher Learning with more Udall, Rhodes and Marshall scholars than any other public university) but I'm no sucker. Ok? (See: Fig. 1)

Fig. 1

FACT: Because Omaha is in Nebraska and Nebraska is in these Continental United States of America then a World War II battle could not have been fought there because guess what? I'm going to go slow for you Mr. Fantsy Pants: WORLD WAR II WAS FOUGHT IN TWO MAJOR THEATERS: EUROPE AND THE PACIFIC. IS NEBRASKA IN EITHER OF THOSE GEOGRAPHIC REGIONS? (See: Fig. fucking 1 for help)

stfu, teach.

FACT: Omaha has no beach that could accommodate, and I quote: "The Invasion Fleet was drawn from 8 different navies, comprising 6,939 vessels: 1,213 warships, 4,126 transport vessels and 736 ancillary craft and 864 merchant vessels"

CONCLUSION:
So in conclusion, this history mystery has been DEBUNKED, teach. Carry on your indoctrination of America's youth with your World War II conspiracy theories. I'll be watching the real battle.

TONITE ONLY!

QWEST CENTER IN DOWNTOWN OMAHA!

6:10 PM CST!

KANSAS STATE VS. USC!

NCAA TOURNEY!

OMAHA BEACH II - THIS TIME IT'S A COLUMN

2008-03-19T23:41:00.004-03:00

If you're like me you are sick and fucking tired of old lazy World War II vets telling you night in and night out how "brave" their storming of Omaha Beach was....Well, I will be the first to say what we have all been thinking...Where is you fucking trophy old man!? That's right, you don't have one. Kansas State, on the other hand, could bring one home if they don't embarrass themselves like our "Greatest Generation" did eleventy-billion years ago. While Michael Beasley is dominating the boards the WWII vets of the world will be dominating their pants. While Bill Walker is scoring at will Private Jefferson is asking if he can get extra apple sauce with is old man meal. Listen, moral of the story is God provides second chances to even the most inept. Join with us here at GAG to salute the brave men and women that are making their way to Omaha to see a REAL team play this weekend.

O JAY!

2008-03-17T22:30:00.002-03:00

OJ!

MAYO!

ANGRY MAN!

Omaha Beach II - This Time, It's Serious

2008-03-17T14:27:00.007-03:00

Congratulations to Mark Fox.

2008-03-17T10:03:00.003-03:00

Once a Wildcat, always a Wildcat. Nothing makes GAG happier than successful Wildcats! Congrats on leading your Wolfpack to the CBI in year four, Mark!

BFF Update. Awww.

2008-03-17T02:07:00.003-03:00

"Yeah, I called Bill. He was just happy that they made it," Mayo said. "He was scared they weren't going to make it, and he was happy to get an opportunity to play against us and I get to play against him. We were childhood friends. I've known him since I was 3 years old, so it's pretty fun. He's my best friend in the world."

http://www.sgvtribune.com/sports/ci_8597871

HOLY SHIT! WE MADE IT!

2008-03-17T01:34:00.001-03:00

Huggs vs. Wools: It's All Over

2008-03-14T20:34:00.003-02:00

We held out hope for Jim Wooldridge as long as was irrationally possible. But finishing with 9 wins in comparison to Bob Huggins 24 and counting, we must face the inevitable and crown Huggins the victor of Huggs vs. Wools 2007-08. Next fall keep an eye out right here on this very site for the Huggs vs. Wools vs. Asbury fantasy game. It's gonna be bitchin'. And awesome.

Snyder Buzz: Keeping Kids in Western Kansas Safe

2008-03-12T19:34:00.004-02:00

Bill Snyder is droppin' beats and a little bit of knowledge in Dodge City's famous Casey's Cowtown Steakhouse. He is calling upon locals to volunteer to ride their horses up and down the streets of Boot Hill in the newly established Safety Patrol - especially at sundown and high noon. The Safety Patrol can be identified by either their red berets or red cowboy hats if they run out of berets. Snyder then dazzled the chow hall with some fresh hip hop beats.

Educatin'

"This is a difficult time for the youth of our nation. We need to guide, direct and care about our youth."

"Find a way to get involved."

"You can make a difference."

The Mighty Get Mightier

2008-03-10T22:27:00.006-02:00

Let’s look at the new football coaches, okay?

Jeff Rodgers, special teams coordinator: Look for future KSU recruits from Texas to be rated very highly by randyrodgersrecruiting.com. Jeff Rodgers’ hiring will almost certainly assure that Ron Prince is able to land his first four star rated (by randerrodgersrecruiting.com) recruit. Thanks in advance, Randy!

Cornell Jackson, linebackers coach: Few collegiate football programs have the storied history of Cornell University. With 120 seasons of football in the books, the Big Red has collected five national titles, won 600 games and has had legendary players and coaches perform on historic Schoellkopf Field. Names such as Glenn "Pop" Warner and Heisman Trophy finalist and NCAA record-breaker Ed Marinaro have suited up for Cornell, while seven College Football Hall of Famers (including Warner, Gil Dobie and Carl Snavely) and multiple-time Super Bowl winner George Seifert have set the strategy as head coaches. Now, with Cornell alum Jim Knowles ‘87 leading the program, there’s little doubt that history will continue to be made.

Warren Ruggiero, quarterbacks coach: According to an SPLC article, "An estimated 110 copies of The Mercury, Glenville State College's weekly student newspaper were stolen in late August. Terry Estep, production manager at the paper, said someone stole the papers in two waves: first out of two bins at the student union building, and then a couple days later from another bin. In the second incident, papers were placed in trash cans, while in the first incident, the perpetrator took them.

"'Basically, I think it was an effort to kill the story,' said Estep. 'As a censorship attempt, it was rather clumsy.'

"When questioned, Estep said football Coach Warren Ruggiero, the coach suspected of swiping the papers, told school officials he took only between five and seven papers for friends and family."

GO CATS!

EXCLUSIVE

2008-03-08T03:59:00.013-02:00

Listen chumps, nobody knows Michael Beasley like GAG knows Michael Beasley. We just imagined what would happen if he talked to us for realz about his next step and this is what would probably have been said:
Gods: Mike, you just pretty much pwnt the whole universe at basketball, reflect.
Michael Beasley: Well, fellas' first of all I LOVE your blog, I don't make a move without consulting godsawesomegift first. Second, I love staying in college for four years and just dominating the record books!
Gods: Whoaa, whoaaa, we havn't even got to that yet and you have already confirmed you will be back not only next year but the next THREE years!?
Mike: Yeah, did I stutter.
Gods: No, but the rest of my prepared questions are out the window. New questions. Would Curtis Malone make a good Director of Basketball Operations?
Mike: Yeah, he already accepted the job! You didn't hear?
Gods: No, but we are traditionally far behind the news wagon given our low budget and lack of media credentials.
Mike: Sure, he took the job. I will make sure to break all new news to godsawesomegiftksu from now on given our amazing relationship and your fantastic journalistic integrity.
Gods: Thank you sir.
Mike: No, thank you sirs. Also, I wanted to give you this million dollar bill for being just that great.
Gods: Oh sweet!

FREITAG DICKCHEESE: zwei Köpfe von betreuer Prince und Arzt Jarvik

2008-03-07T18:59:00.005-02:00

1. Herz! 2. Authentizität! 3. Qualifiziert!

EIN! Big heart. Livingblood. #1 pumper. Of champions. Champheart. Heartionships.

ZWEI! Super real. Talkingstraight. #1 truth. Of polyvinylidene chloride. naturPeVaDlC.

DREI! Well fit. Headingclass. #1 road. Of Zion. Hören. Live. Triumph.

God's Awesome Gift Forced Captive Breeding Program

2008-03-06T22:32:00.008-02:00

Here at Gods we try to make up for society’s numerous embarrassments. Our newest initiative is the forced breeding of two subsets of the world’s most important and influential figures. Big 12 basketball coaches and Politicians have always been known as the gas that makes the world engine go. Now, we here are Gods are going to take that up just a few fucking notches. Breeding these two sets of awesome together may just get us to the next evolutionary jump that puts us over the edge.

Mark Turgeon has some problems. We all know it. Look at that spot in his hair, I mean, what the fuck is that!? Now look at Hillary Clinton. "WHAT!?" you say, "Hillary can't be compared to that D-Bag!" That's right, she can't, she's twice the man he is. While Mark has probably been caught cheating at D&D by his Mountain Dew drinking friends at sleepovers within the last few years, Hillary has been leading her Capital Hill softball team in slugging AND outfield assists. That's why we are looking to breed the "messed up white spot in hair" and "barely a man by even scientific standards" gene from his lineage by pairing him up with the quentisential man's man, Hillary Clinton.

Getting these two together wasn't hard. Hillary spit out the Redman she was chewing and hopped aboard before we could even give her direction. "Get loose now!" was all she said and our scientists knew to move aside. The action was over fast and our men have high hopes that we can isolate the good traits of the two while avoiding the bad. Here is what we're shooting for:

Good traits: Virility, Cocksureness, RBIs

Bad traits: Cankles, White hair spot

ALL UP IN THE BIG 12: At the Gyno with Bob Stoops

2008-03-05T20:24:00.004-02:00

One of the special jobs that is a joy of my job as a Big 12 song and dance man is that I get a chance to see all of my heroes Unfiltered. Raw. Behind unguarded parachute pants and pullovers. This week, it was my honor to execute an invitation to Bob Stoops’ annual pap smear. Now, I rarely watch movies and haven’t seen Dog Day Afternoon, but I was recentely seriously considering executing a renewal of my Nexflix subscription. I’m just not sure about it, though.

Bob was particularly stoked about this year’s Sooner men’s football squadron. In particular, although I wasn’t permitted to bring my backup voice recorder into the Crimson and Cream Exam Suite, basically Bob was all like, "same shit, different year." While I agree with Bob’s point that their new, fake bake quarterback guy, just as with all other OKU QBs in history, is merely a product of the talent athletes that surround him and has zero chance of NFL teams sniffing in the general direction of his asshole, that’s not all.

Bob also has an exceptionally handsome and distinguished looking penis. What really caught my eye, though, was the gaping, olympic size of Stoops’ scrotum. When the appropriate time came, I just couldn’t refrain from inquiring about whether the diameters of his balls were equally as impressive. Bob then told some distasteful joke that I really didn’t get at all or appreciate. Then, he instructed me that looking was allowed but touching wasn’t. I don’t know if it was the way he said it or what, but that comment just kind of definitely weirded me out a bit.

The doctor had discarded her latex gloves by that time and insisted that we join her for a drinky drink around the corner. I already had the football scoop that I needed for my readers, though, and a deadline in addition to that. So, friends, when you see Bob Stoops on the sidelines this year, DO NOT miss his huge fucking bulge! GO CATS!

MY TAKE: 800 W’s Ain’t What it Used to Be

2008-03-03T19:22:00.004-02:00

I’ll acknowledge Duke Basketball Head Man Mike Krzyzewski when and only when he reaches at least 1000 wins, thank you very much.

While I’m not one of those nut job conspiracy theorist nuts who believe that Duke Basketball gets more than its fair share of love from ESPN and/or Dick “Wyoming Cowboy basketball 'til I die” Vitale, the amount of attention paid to Mike Krzyzewski’s so-called “milestone” tastes more like Pepto Shitsmol to me.

I’m not trying to take anything at all away form Mike Krzyzewski. He’s been doing a satisfactory enough job, I suppose, and even seems to be in pretty decent standing with John and Jane Taxpayer as well as with Jesus Christ. He was, after all, able to retain his position despite nearly one million calls for his puny weasel head during the lacrosse stripper sex scandal eight long years ago.

Look, all I’m saying is that I’m sick of all these people who think that we need to be going out of our way to acknowledge Mike Krzyzewski in any way. That’s my point. And, also, right now is just not a good time for this, man.

Back in the days when alchie dinosaurs like Eddie Sutton were crossing the 800th victory plateau, there were, like, only three or four other guys on the list of guys with 800 wins. Now, it’s like everyone and their fucking grandma’s coach is on the list. And, trust me, most of these guys you’ve never heard of. I’m sorry, but just who the fuck are Adolph Rupp, Dick Sauers, and Jerry Tarkanian? Anyone?

Acknowledge Mike Krzyzewski for winning 800 games? I don’t think so. At least not before we acknowledge Klagenfurt.

FRIDAY DICKCHEESE: Sports Writers

2008-02-29T20:15:00.004-02:00

First it was Roger Clemons. Then it was Barry Bonds. Then it was the humiliating Joe Dumars incident which was closely followed by that disgusting mistake with Ralphie the Buffalo. And then whole the London Eye/Millennium Wheel thing. But what about right now? Right now, it is all Michael Beasley (pictured right, above Mac Stevenson). Michael Beasley. Not surprisingly, it looks like sports writer nation has it dreadfully wrong yet again.

I mean, what the fuck is so fucking great about Michael Beasley? Seriously, dude. Forget about the fact that his game has more holes than a huge field totally filled with tons and tons of holes in it. HE’S A CRYBABY FLOPPER. AND SOFT. Michael Beasley. That’s right. What the sports writers won’t tell you is that Michael Beasley doesn’t slice the salami of the NBA’s jib. But that’s not their fault. They’re just too dumb to see it. Which is their fault.

For example, Mac Stevenson (pictured right, below Michael Beasley), who writes that KU plays like “a bunch of frightened freshman,” has guards that are “substandard on both offense and defense,” and is a team that is “going downhill on a fast horse,” really, really likes Michael Beasley a lot. He basically thinks that Michael Beasley is pretty much a badass. But that’s cool. I’m cool with Mac.

Current events in senility aside, though, don’t be shocked if Michael Beasley slips and slides all the way down to the second round of the NBA draft. Michael Beasley. Professional NBA scouts are paid in money to know like they know their backs and hands when a player’s lines of stats are way over inflated due to being on a fucking awesome team that also happens to have a fucking awesome coach. Shithead sports writers aren’t.

God's Forced Captive Breeding

2008-02-28T21:23:00.004-02:00

Here at Gods we try to make up for society’s numerous embarrassments. Our newest initiative is the forced breeding of two subsets of the world’s most important and influential figures. Big 12 basketball coaches and Politicians have always been known as the gas that makes the world engine go. Now, we here are Gods are going to take that up just a few fucking notches. Breeding these two sets of awesome together may just get us to the next evolutionary jump that puts us over the edge.

Our third forced breeding brings together a man who may very well be our next president and your mom....and Scott Drew and Mr. Rogers watch. Some people have questioned the scientific reasoning for this experiment. Some have even been as bold as to say it wasn't needed. Some even had the iron nuts to say we weren't even breeding coaches and politicians. We here at Gods hear your complaining and shrug it off like a polo cardigan after a set of mixed doubles before brunch. The reasoning is simple, if Scott Drew is such a Baptist son of a bitch why does he sit there smacking Mr. Rogers on the ass while watching McCain engage the enemy from behind? Now you see what's going on. Drew ISN'T EVEN BAPTIST probably. HE CHEATS ON HIS WIFE from what I've written. HE SMOKES MARIJUANA CIGARETTES AND BUYS MALE PROSTITUTES OFF E-BAY as far as you know. Baylor made a mistake in hiring him and your mom made a mistake in sleeping with John McCain. I mean, Mr. Rogers is dead for Christ's sake, what kind of sick freak is she?

Gods' scientists didn't even know McCain was visiting your mom's honey wagon but their guess is the good traits they hope to see in the offspring and the bad traits they hope to avoid are as follows.

Good: Being a presidential contender

Bad: Being a whore, finding your spanky sock and confronting you about it, sleeping with your dad

RUMOR CIRCULATING

2008-02-28T15:41:00.006-02:00

There is a rumor going around that FOG (friend of GAG) Jeffrey Martin will have a Friday Forum featuring two almost certainly terrible contributors and one really, really, really, really good contributor

http://blogs.kansas.com/kstated/

Make sure to visit to see if this rumor comes to fruition.

GAG endorses Frank Martin!

2008-02-28T03:22:00.007-02:00

God's Awesome Gift: KSU is proud to formally offer its endorsement and full support for Frank Martin's current bid to become the next President of Cuba. Frank Martin has been a long and outspoken critic of the Communist regime in his native Cuba. Martin was quoted in his recent conversation with renowned Latin American political luminary Mark Janssen as saying, of Cuba, "Those are the guys I want to coach." When asked to comment about the recent election of Raúl Castro, Martin said he didn't like to "... sit back and hope people miss. It's not my personality. It's not who I am. I like attacking" clearly answering any questions about possible second thoughts in light of Sunday's ballot returns.

God's Awesome Gift: KSU admires the spirited fight and vigor that Martin exudes. While we here at GAG would be sad to see Coach Martin depart our beloved hamlet of wondrous basketopia, it would clearly be for the greater good of the world. Much like his name sake José de San Martín, El Libertador, who led a march through South America bringing Freedom and terrific basketball; Frank Martin destiny of global domination cannot be bound by the wheat fields of the Flint Hills or the Ale Houses of Aggieville. Frank, you have liberated us too, you see. From shitty hoops and from Bob Huggins' sweaty advances on our unsullied, young barmaidens.
God Bless you Frank Martin and we wish you well.

!VIVA LA Revolución FRANK-O

High Five: Big 12 Hoopz

2008-02-27T22:36:00.004-02:00

1. Kansas State. Duh. This team is pretty much untouchable at this point. Michael Beasley. Even though a championship game between undefeated Memphis and Kansas State is what all but a few very biased college sports fans have been dreaming about, Kansas State is kicking ass and not showing any signs of letting up with the rock. Beasley.

2. Texas. Yeah, sure, there’s a big drop off between the best and the nextest bestest in this conference, but Texas is a salt team with the big hearts of courage. Don’t forget: Kevin Durant might be the second best college player ever in history. And he was on this very team just one year ago!

3. Texas A&M. Man, do I ever love the job that Mark Turgeon is doing. He has the Aggies on some really long winning streak and is impressing the shit out of a lot of people.

4. Baylor. Haven’t seen them yet. They seem real good, though. Scott Drew, turnaround, doldrums, amazing, etc.

5. Kansas. This is a young, up-and-coming team that seems to get a little better every day. Bill Self not only has the preseason’s top rated backcourt, but he’s also swimming freestyle in an ocean of what I call go-to player leaders.

Extreme Logo Makover: Turd Polishing

2008-02-26T23:57:00.005-02:00

Everyone agrees that the only thing lamer than the Powercat logo is its name. At the same time, people seem very reluctant to scrap the design altogether. We understand this. That's why when we submitted this conceptual design idea to Kansas State University President Jon Wefald, we didn't aim to completely abandon the old design. We just tweaked it a bit. Made it cooler. Better. More now. We think this totally kicks ass.

X-CAT

MY TAKE: Keep NBA Talent In College!

2008-02-25T02:52:00.007-02:00

Remember how, when you were younger or maybe still today, your father would take you to a college basketball game and relentlessly heckle the no talent scrubs sitting at the end of the bench? Well, what once provided an opportunity to laugh and have some special bonding stuff going on is now signaling the beginning of a full on crisis mode situation.

You see, amigos, the latest from the kenpom data bank indicates that the end of the bench, very much like certain global warming conditions, is growing and expanding at a crazy scary rate.

Take, for example, Tier 1 elite Duke and Tier 2 elite Kansas. Their present twin strategies to avoid recruiting NBA talent at all costs have resulted in teams consisting entirely of four year player, end of the bench type scrubby scrubs.

No doubt, your initial reaction is, so what? More scrubs, more heckles, more family fun, right? WRONG! So what’s the big fucking deal, then? Well, I’ll tell you, dude.

Teams that consist entirely of four year player, end of the bench type of scrubby scrubs have a name: mid majors. But when’s the last time you watched a game between two mid majors? Nobody wants to watch that shit, man. Point proven.

If the entire whole of college basketball becomes a huge dirty bathtub full of mid majors, no one will be interested. No one will watch on television. No one will go to games. And, I’m telling you right now. Those kinds of things are not good for college basketball. They just aren't.

In conclusion, for the sake of the college game, KEEP NBA TALENT IN COLLEGE! Peace, man. GO CATS!