ALL UP IN THE BIG 12: At the Gyno with Bob Stoops

One of the special jobs that is a joy of my job as a Big 12 song and dance man is that I get a chance to see all of my heroes Unfiltered. Raw. Behind unguarded parachute pants and pullovers. This week, it was my honor to execute an invitation to Bob Stoops’ annual pap smear. Now, I rarely watch movies and haven’t seen Dog Day Afternoon, but I was recentely seriously considering executing a renewal of my Nexflix subscription. I’m just not sure about it, though.

Bob was particularly stoked about this year’s Sooner men’s football squadron. In particular, although I wasn’t permitted to bring my backup voice recorder into the Crimson and Cream Exam Suite, basically Bob was all like, "same shit, different year." While I agree with Bob’s point that their new, fake bake quarterback guy, just as with all other OKU QBs in history, is merely a product of the talent athletes that surround him and has zero chance of NFL teams sniffing in the general direction of his asshole, that’s not all.

Bob also has an exceptionally handsome and distinguished looking penis. What really caught my eye, though, was the gaping, olympic size of Stoops’ scrotum. When the appropriate time came, I just couldn’t refrain from inquiring about whether the diameters of his balls were equally as impressive. Bob then told some distasteful joke that I really didn’t get at all or appreciate. Then, he instructed me that looking was allowed but touching wasn’t. I don’t know if it was the way he said it or what, but that comment just kind of definitely weirded me out a bit.

The doctor had discarded her latex gloves by that time and insisted that we join her for a drinky drink around the corner. I already had the football scoop that I needed for my readers, though, and a deadline in addition to that. So, friends, when you see Bob Stoops on the sidelines this year, DO NOT miss his huge fucking bulge! GO CATS!