Thursday, June 18, 2009

Why Carson Coffman should be the guy with his hands on some sweaty center's taint come September 5th

This post is about why Carson Coffman should start at Quarter-back for the intercollegiate football team that represents Kansas State University.  I will demonstrate that this is the correct decision based on the following reasons:

1)  Carson Coffman has a striking similarity (in physical appearance, mental profile and intangibles) to Quarter-back Matt Saracen featured on the Documentary "Friday Night Lights" on the KSNT affiliate of the National Broadcasting Corporation's Friday night programming.

2)  Matt Saracen in said documentary unexpectedly leads his team to two consecutive State Championship games (winning the first and losing the second) while fending off challenges as QB1 from "dual-threat" thugs and "pretty-boy" hype machines

3)  Due to these similarities, I believe that Carson Coffman is my first choice Quarter-back, "Field General" and QB1 for Kansas State University's Intercollegiate Athletic Football Club.

Alright!  First let's start with looks.  Looks are very important to a Quarter-back.  




Enough said.


Now, let's talk X's and O's:

There are different types of Quarter-backs in intercollegiate football and they basically fall in to three groups.  I will rank them in order of my favorites:

1)  Field Generals-  These guys are pure grit.  Usually have operated costly farm implements that were bought with crop insurance.  Usually were H.S. Quarter-backs that had high degrees of success in 8 man or at most, 3A football.  Usually Field Generals have a father in the military.  Two great examples of Field Generals off the top of my head would be Carson Coffman and Matt Saracen.

2) "Dual-Threat"-  These guys are usually "athletic" and "run-first" and excel "when plays break down."  They are pretty awesome if they are good, but sometimes they have attitude problems that are absent among Field Generals.  Some quick examples I can think of are Voodoo from Friday Night Lights and Michael Vick.

3) Pretty-boys- These guys are usually coach's kids that are highly hyped.  These are those guys you see prancing around at Nike Elite 11 and all those highly publicized All-Star games.  They usually are from California and have to be taught how to throw an option pitch or how to take a snap under center without breaking a nail.  I freaking hate these guys.  Common examples would include:  Josh Freeman, Grant Gregory, Chris Simms.

In conclusion, Carson Coffman is very similar to Matt Saracen because they are very similar in appearance, they are very similar in intangibles and therefore logic dictates that their outcomes should be similar.  I would say that with Head Coach Bill Snyder and Field General Carson Coffman taking the reins away from ass clown Ron Prince and Pretty Boy Josh Freeman there should be a shock run to the Big XII Championship Game (I am NOT promising a National Championship game because in Friday Night Lights they do not have a National Championship game so it would be very unfair and premature to suggest that comparison......YET!).  There will probably be a tough loss early in the year, some close games all the way up to the end along the way.  I'll say this as well, Billiam!  Watch out for those daughters!  Carson will be gunning for them as he seeks a father figure for approval!  I know you've been working for Big Brothers/Big Sisters and Bill Carson needs a LOT of love!

I will end with my favorite two phrases that I often say at great volume to support my favorite intercollegiate athletic Football club (AND ALMA MATER!)  Kansas State University:

GO CATS!
EMAW! (Every Moment Awesome Wonder!)

Friday, January 2, 2009

BYE JOSH!


Dear Mr. Synder:

Please accept this letter as notification that I am resigning from my position with KSU college football. Starting now.

Please forward my last paycheck to my home address.

Thank you for the support that you have provided me during my tenure with KSU college football.

Sincerely,
Josh

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Mo Latimore's career advice


Alright young gun. You're at your first job and the boss man says they may be "making some changes" what do you do? Go in to the office and beg for your job?

HELLS NO!

You go back to your office and pretend like nothing ever happened. Shuffle papers around, make lots of copies, and hit the recruiting trail. Have your secretary keep you in the loop but unavailable until the next schmuck shows up and then you come back his first day and look busy.

Take it from me young man, just act busy, keep trucking and keep your head down. If the new boss comes in to ask questions look up at that motherfucker and say "Excuse me, I'm trying to get some goddamn work done in here!"

That is how you keep your desk, son.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

My Snyder Concerns


Get ready for some "senior moments" Kat Fanz!













Monday, November 24, 2008

Sunday, November 16, 2008

IT'S FITZ!


*****!!!BREAKING!!!*****




In a shocking move, Kansas State Athletic Director Bob Krause got way too drunk during the dismantling in Manhattan earlier today, as the Pelini-led Huskers rolled the EMAW'd out GOKATZ who were wearing an ensemble designed by none other than GOD'S in-house fashionista chum1, and decided to pull what many are calling a puzzling turn in the GARY PATTERSON TO KANSAS STATE story which was broken by none other than FitzFuck himself on G0P****cat.com. Over that Friday EMAWrz everywhere watched as Fitz slowly pulled out the beating hope from KAZZU fans everywhere and simultaneously ate and shat on it in what has been called 1 Fitz 1 cup by many a jaded KATPAK'R. When Fitz posted "IT'S PATTERSON!" few believed him, but now his credibility is at an all-time low as Fitz takes the reigns of a program struggling not only for an identity, but also for warm carcasses that have a passing resemblence to Big XII talent. Well, we here at GAG think Fitz may have got the whole GARY PATTERSON IS COMING TO K-STATE AND IS TOTALLY THE NEXT COACH story wrong but hey, we will throw what support we can muster behind his sizable ass.

LET'S GO FITZ! FUCK 'EM!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL

The subject is an old, familiar one: Fan anonymity.

If you wish to protect yours, we suggest removing your name tag.


Photo courtesy of fatty fat fat, bigtime hero to GAG KSU.