Wednesday, May 28, 2008

How many more games will you play for KSU?

Okay, Dave, I can see that's a big zero for you. You say you had issues with trying to get an additional year of eligibility? Well, that's understandable, I suppose.

What about you, Bill? Is that a big zero for you, too? Well, just what the fuck is your problem? You have plenty of eligibility. You say that you want to get rich? No? That's not right? You say that you want to get rich, bitch. Okay, now I've got it. Go, then, young Bill. Go find your riches and your bitches and your ho's and whatever else you're looking for and go do those things that you young guys like to do. God bless America.


Saturday, May 24, 2008

Stewart Excited About Prospects

Kansas State graduating point guard Clent Stewart is excited about his prospects, "You know, I've gotten some calls," Stewart remarked when asked about endorsement deals many players get. "The NCAA was quick to get in touch with me this season, I mean, they contacted me before Big 12 play started!" Stewart worried about keeping his eligibility and not breaking rules. "The NCAA kept calling and wanting to talk to me regarding their new campaign about athletes going pro in something other than sports. I was interested but had to tell them that it would have to wait until after my senior year or I could get in trouble!" Clent hopes the NCAA is still interested and assures GAG that he is, indeed, planning on going pro in something other than sports.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

NFL's #1 Most Wanted Player

We’ve been saying like forever now that Josh Freeman is the college player rated highest by the NFL. It’s a no brainer, really. Coach Ron’s reputation of developing top NFL talent alone tells us this. We need look no further than to the legend of the scumbag, burden to society, worthless POS who turned into the all pro Packer wide receiver. You look so beautiful, Jordy.

Now, however, we have solid proof. We have it from the mouths of the NFL scouts themselves that Freeman is indeed the NFL’s #1 most wanted player.

How do we know? We know because someone in the know let Jeff Martin know who then let us know. This inside info came from none other than Coach Ron himself.

I know what you are thinking. Why haven't I heard this before? Most coaches would have been trumpeting this kind of juicy yet sensational news to every major sports and sports related media source in the globe. Especially when you consider that Michael Beasley is sort of stealing all of the thunder away from the football team as the NBA’s #1 most wanted player. Put in this position, most football coaches would be like, "Me, too! Me, too!"

Coach Ron, on the other hand, just kind of casually let this info slip out while he was chatting with some alumni. But that’s just the kind of thing that separates someone like Coach Ron from all the rest. Thank God for that.


Saturday, May 17, 2008

Clip-Art Confident In Sustinance

In a follow up story to a previous interview with KU football mascot Clip-Art, he's now confident he'll have a serviceable place to eat, "Looks like they're at least building a mid-level high school cafeteria for the employees to eat at....I mean, it doesn't look like much but it appears they may have room for a salad bar. Do you know when they'll break ground on the football facility?"

Monday, May 12, 2008

Off Season for Self Getting Weirder

Amidst reports that he has been running around the KU campus copping feels off of hottie co-ed victims, Bill Self has just done the unthinkable. I mean, it’s not unthinkable because of its heinous nature or anything like that. It’s just that you would never in your wildest dreams have imagined something like this happening because it’s so fucking bizarre.

Yesterday, Self was seen at the Liz Claiborne Outlet Store in Lawrence on his hands and knees and looking up skirts of store mannequins. Witnesses say that he looked up the skirts of three white mannequins and then was attempting to lift up the skirt of a black mannequin with his teeth when he realized that he was being watched and ran out of the store.

While Self has apparently done nothing illegal, he definitely weirded out a lot of people at the outlet mall. The store manager isn’t going to consider banning Self from the store, citing awesome free pub as the reason.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Generic Clip-Art Football Character Has Seen It All Now

The generic clipart football character was recently included in something he never thought he would be a part of, "You have to be absolutely fist fucking me!" said Clip-Art, "I've been on tons of cheap homemade birthday party invites and grade school pee-wee league signup sheets but this is nuts." His exasperation stems from his sudden and strange inclusion on the new University of Kansas football facility. "Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be here," said Clip-Art, "My only concern is that they may have second thoughts once they realize that the 3.1 million dollars they paid the architectural designer went straight up his nose and he shot me to them via hotmail the day his design was due. I mean, I was the third option after typing 'football player' in the Google image search."

Monday, May 5, 2008

"Self Copping Feels" Issue Continues To Fester

Despite a huge media blitz over this past holiday weekend by the University of Kansas's Athletic Department, the buzz surrounding Bill Self and his habit of copping copious amounts of Jayhawk cheerleaders continues to be a sore spot for University officials. A spokesperson for the university commented to GAG: KSU off the record that "We tend to give coaches free reign in this area, and for good reason, however, Bill's actions have us rethinking our strategy in this space."

Hard to argue with anyone wanting to grab an occasional, stray, mooseknuckle. But to do it at such an historic and tradition laden venue such as Allane Field House in Lawrence, home to KU's Jayhawks, seems to almost reek of sacrilage.

As the head of facilities at Allane Field House, Parrish McWilliams has seen his share of what he calls "handsy coaches". Quoting Mr.McWilliams "sure, Larry loved the cheerleaders, Roy loved them all, grabbed ass all the time, and tits too! But Bill Self, he takes the cake, then grabs its ass."

All the while, Coach Self tries to address the problem in a more "hands-on" manner..."I just won the National Championship!" the Coach was quoted as yelling from his Lexus as he and Mario Chalmers drove by our reporters, apparently the pair were heading to Pita Pitt this morning for an unusual and oddly timed snack break.

Friday, May 2, 2008

See pic below, dude.

Can you say Larry Eustachy? Well, by the time you do, the powers that be at the University of Kansas will have had the photo seen directly to the left removed form the Lawrence Journal-World and those responsible for its appearance fired, blacklisted, and kicked in the nads really hard. As per usual.

It's a pretty fucking good thing, then, that I learned how to "right click" followed by "save picture as" just the other day. Unfortunately, we now have documented evidence ON RECORD that the rumors you've heard about Bill Self copping feels up all around the KU campus are true, true, true. NCAA investigations are sure to follow. Major embarrassment is sure to follow that. And precede it, as well.


I will take this picture down when and only when the University of Kansas forfeits its 2008 national championship title. I will then not disclose any intel that I have obtained regarding Bill Self copping feels up. (Fans can keep their championship t-shirts.)