Monday, August 24, 2009

Local Beat Writer Looking Forward To New Job

The Kansas City Star and Wichita Eagle announced a new hiring to cover the Kansas State beat, balding Kansas graduate Kellis Robinett. When reached for comment Kellis seemed confident the upcoming year would provide plenty of fireworks, "I mean, their basketball coach is a Mexican! Can you believe that?" He was also excited about moving closer to his college roots, "With Lawrence less than two hours away I can get back to my comfort zone whenever I need to take a break. I mean, there were white people in South Dakota but Lawrence is really where we shine. I'm heading to Applebees for some apps, you wanna go?" It wasn't all smiles for Robinett though, "The bad part about this job is I had to delete my blog. The Hawks are gonna be pretty good this season too! I heard Bill Snyder's a Jew."

Monday, July 20, 2009

Matt Saracen is our QB

We here at GAG are bearish on the upcoming season. Why? Because everything that touches purple goes right to shit. Do not pass go, do not collect 6 wins and a bowl game. Straight to shit.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

In bizarre, yet completely unsurprising, move Bob Krause hires Ron Prince as "Life Transition Coach"

(Charlottesville)-  "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade."  That must be the quote ringing in the ears on former Kansas State Athletic Director and V.P. of Institutional Advancement Bob Krause.  Word leaked today that Bob Krause secured the services of Ron Prince in another shocking and stratospheric stint as his coach, but Prince won't be focused on the gridiron.  He'll be focused on the x's and o's, and $'s.  Bob Krause has hired Ron Prince as his "Life Transition Coach."  
In the paperwork leaked to GAGKSU Prince will be called upon to "provide financial, career, personal, spiritual consultation and representation as Mr. Krause pursues progress toward meeting his goals during this period of transition."  The contract further gives Prince "power of attorney" designates him "executor of Bob Krause Trust" and elects him as "Sheriff of Horizon Ranch." As for compensation, Prince will be paid a $2 million signing bonus, be entitled to a $500,000 base salary as "Life Transition Coach."  But that is only part of Prince's compensation package, in addition In Pursuit of Perfection (Prince's Limited Liability Corporation) will receive Non-Taxable Municipal Bonds worth an estimated $2.5 million after interest.  These notes were issued issued through "Krausetown" signed by, you guessed it, Mayor Bob Krause.  Apparently, Krause has recently filed paperwork with the state of Kansas to incorporate Horizon Ranch as a town under a seldom used provision of the Homestead Act of 1862.
In this bizarre move befitting the bizarre pair, the two have once again entered in to an agreement, although this team the secret hardly lasted long enough for the ink to dry.  As of posting time neither Krause nor Prince could be reached for comment. 

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day!

Today, I'd like to say thank you to my best friend.  Dad.  Sure we moved around a few times as kids and dad wasn't there there a lot.  But dad always did whatever he could for us.  We all got our education's paid for by dad's job and after I punted my way to a degree from State, dad hooked me up with Max Urick.  He's kept me there ever since.  But I never knew just how much he loved me until I was reading the Audit of the dirty old man Bob Krause.  Dad put himself on the line to make sure I wasn't fired by that mean old Krause.  Now that dad's back running things I feel so warm inside.  Everyday I walk in to Bill Snyder FAMILY Stadium, I feel like dad's finally giving me the hug I worked so hard for.

Thanks dad,  you're the best.


Friday, June 19, 2009

Football Grad Asst. in latest Costly KSU Athletics Buyout Scandal

(Manhattan)-  Another name has joined the K-State Athletic Department's list of employees with costly buyouts.  Former Kansas State Quarterback and current Graduate Assistant Football Coach Jonathon Beasley is the latest implicated in the ongoing scandal involving bonuses included in contracts given out to Athletic Department employees under the leadership of Athletic Director Bob Krause and University President Jon Wefald.  The incentives for this buyout were a bit unusual according to a copy of the contract obtained by GAGKSU.  Included in Mr. Beasley's otherwise modest contract was a termination clause that would provide for: "100 Chipotle burritos and a one year pass to Kansas State Union's Bluemont Buffet" upon termination of Mr. Beasley's contract with Kansas State.  Incoming Athletic Director John Currie and Mr. Beasley could not be reached for comment.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Why Carson Coffman should be the guy with his hands on some sweaty center's taint come September 5th

This post is about why Carson Coffman should start at Quarter-back for the intercollegiate football team that represents Kansas State University.  I will demonstrate that this is the correct decision based on the following reasons:

1)  Carson Coffman has a striking similarity (in physical appearance, mental profile and intangibles) to Quarter-back Matt Saracen featured on the Documentary "Friday Night Lights" on the KSNT affiliate of the National Broadcasting Corporation's Friday night programming.

2)  Matt Saracen in said documentary unexpectedly leads his team to two consecutive State Championship games (winning the first and losing the second) while fending off challenges as QB1 from "dual-threat" thugs and "pretty-boy" hype machines

3)  Due to these similarities, I believe that Carson Coffman is my first choice Quarter-back, "Field General" and QB1 for Kansas State University's Intercollegiate Athletic Football Club.

Alright!  First let's start with looks.  Looks are very important to a Quarter-back.  

Enough said.

Now, let's talk X's and O's:

There are different types of Quarter-backs in intercollegiate football and they basically fall in to three groups.  I will rank them in order of my favorites:

1)  Field Generals-  These guys are pure grit.  Usually have operated costly farm implements that were bought with crop insurance.  Usually were H.S. Quarter-backs that had high degrees of success in 8 man or at most, 3A football.  Usually Field Generals have a father in the military.  Two great examples of Field Generals off the top of my head would be Carson Coffman and Matt Saracen.

2) "Dual-Threat"-  These guys are usually "athletic" and "run-first" and excel "when plays break down."  They are pretty awesome if they are good, but sometimes they have attitude problems that are absent among Field Generals.  Some quick examples I can think of are Voodoo from Friday Night Lights and Michael Vick.

3) Pretty-boys- These guys are usually coach's kids that are highly hyped.  These are those guys you see prancing around at Nike Elite 11 and all those highly publicized All-Star games.  They usually are from California and have to be taught how to throw an option pitch or how to take a snap under center without breaking a nail.  I freaking hate these guys.  Common examples would include:  Josh Freeman, Grant Gregory, Chris Simms.

In conclusion, Carson Coffman is very similar to Matt Saracen because they are very similar in appearance, they are very similar in intangibles and therefore logic dictates that their outcomes should be similar.  I would say that with Head Coach Bill Snyder and Field General Carson Coffman taking the reins away from ass clown Ron Prince and Pretty Boy Josh Freeman there should be a shock run to the Big XII Championship Game (I am NOT promising a National Championship game because in Friday Night Lights they do not have a National Championship game so it would be very unfair and premature to suggest that comparison......YET!).  There will probably be a tough loss early in the year, some close games all the way up to the end along the way.  I'll say this as well, Billiam!  Watch out for those daughters!  Carson will be gunning for them as he seeks a father figure for approval!  I know you've been working for Big Brothers/Big Sisters and Bill Carson needs a LOT of love!

I will end with my favorite two phrases that I often say at great volume to support my favorite intercollegiate athletic Football club (AND ALMA MATER!)  Kansas State University:

EMAW! (Every Moment Awesome Wonder!)

Friday, January 2, 2009


Dear Mr. Synder:

Please accept this letter as notification that I am resigning from my position with KSU college football. Starting now.

Please forward my last paycheck to my home address.

Thank you for the support that you have provided me during my tenure with KSU college football.