Thursday, June 18, 2009

Why Carson Coffman should be the guy with his hands on some sweaty center's taint come September 5th

This post is about why Carson Coffman should start at Quarter-back for the intercollegiate football team that represents Kansas State University.  I will demonstrate that this is the correct decision based on the following reasons:

1)  Carson Coffman has a striking similarity (in physical appearance, mental profile and intangibles) to Quarter-back Matt Saracen featured on the Documentary "Friday Night Lights" on the KSNT affiliate of the National Broadcasting Corporation's Friday night programming.

2)  Matt Saracen in said documentary unexpectedly leads his team to two consecutive State Championship games (winning the first and losing the second) while fending off challenges as QB1 from "dual-threat" thugs and "pretty-boy" hype machines

3)  Due to these similarities, I believe that Carson Coffman is my first choice Quarter-back, "Field General" and QB1 for Kansas State University's Intercollegiate Athletic Football Club.

Alright!  First let's start with looks.  Looks are very important to a Quarter-back.  

Enough said.

Now, let's talk X's and O's:

There are different types of Quarter-backs in intercollegiate football and they basically fall in to three groups.  I will rank them in order of my favorites:

1)  Field Generals-  These guys are pure grit.  Usually have operated costly farm implements that were bought with crop insurance.  Usually were H.S. Quarter-backs that had high degrees of success in 8 man or at most, 3A football.  Usually Field Generals have a father in the military.  Two great examples of Field Generals off the top of my head would be Carson Coffman and Matt Saracen.

2) "Dual-Threat"-  These guys are usually "athletic" and "run-first" and excel "when plays break down."  They are pretty awesome if they are good, but sometimes they have attitude problems that are absent among Field Generals.  Some quick examples I can think of are Voodoo from Friday Night Lights and Michael Vick.

3) Pretty-boys- These guys are usually coach's kids that are highly hyped.  These are those guys you see prancing around at Nike Elite 11 and all those highly publicized All-Star games.  They usually are from California and have to be taught how to throw an option pitch or how to take a snap under center without breaking a nail.  I freaking hate these guys.  Common examples would include:  Josh Freeman, Grant Gregory, Chris Simms.

In conclusion, Carson Coffman is very similar to Matt Saracen because they are very similar in appearance, they are very similar in intangibles and therefore logic dictates that their outcomes should be similar.  I would say that with Head Coach Bill Snyder and Field General Carson Coffman taking the reins away from ass clown Ron Prince and Pretty Boy Josh Freeman there should be a shock run to the Big XII Championship Game (I am NOT promising a National Championship game because in Friday Night Lights they do not have a National Championship game so it would be very unfair and premature to suggest that comparison......YET!).  There will probably be a tough loss early in the year, some close games all the way up to the end along the way.  I'll say this as well, Billiam!  Watch out for those daughters!  Carson will be gunning for them as he seeks a father figure for approval!  I know you've been working for Big Brothers/Big Sisters and Bill Carson needs a LOT of love!

I will end with my favorite two phrases that I often say at great volume to support my favorite intercollegiate athletic Football club (AND ALMA MATER!)  Kansas State University:

EMAW! (Every Moment Awesome Wonder!)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You know I despise you with every fiber of my being, but this is actually a really good column. You're not hurting for writing skills, Kid.