Friday, February 29, 2008


First it was Roger Clemons. Then it was Barry Bonds. Then it was the humiliating Joe Dumars incident which was closely followed by that disgusting mistake with Ralphie the Buffalo. And then whole the London Eye/Millennium Wheel thing. But what about right now? Right now, it is all Michael Beasley (pictured right, above Mac Stevenson). Michael Beasley. Not surprisingly, it looks like sports writer nation has it dreadfully wrong yet again.

I mean, what the fuck is so fucking great about Michael Beasley? Seriously, dude. Forget about the fact that his game has more holes than a huge field totally filled with tons and tons of holes in it. HE’S A CRYBABY FLOPPER. AND SOFT. Michael Beasley. That’s right. What the sports writers won’t tell you is that Michael Beasley doesn’t slice the salami of the NBA’s jib. But that’s not their fault. They’re just too dumb to see it. Which is their fault.

For example, Mac Stevenson (pictured right, below Michael Beasley), who writes that KU plays like “a bunch of frightened freshman,” has guards that are “substandard on both offense and defense,” and is a team that is “going downhill on a fast horse,” really, really likes Michael Beasley a lot. He basically thinks that Michael Beasley is pretty much a badass. But that’s cool. I’m cool with Mac.

Current events in senility aside, though, don’t be shocked if Michael Beasley slips and slides all the way down to the second round of the NBA draft. Michael Beasley. Professional NBA scouts are paid in money to know like they know their backs and hands when a player’s lines of stats are way over inflated due to being on a fucking awesome team that also happens to have a fucking awesome coach. Shithead sports writers aren’t.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

God's Forced Captive Breeding

Here at Gods we try to make up for society’s numerous embarrassments. Our newest initiative is the forced breeding of two subsets of the world’s most important and influential figures. Big 12 basketball coaches and Politicians have always been known as the gas that makes the world engine go. Now, we here are Gods are going to take that up just a few fucking notches. Breeding these two sets of awesome together may just get us to the next evolutionary jump that puts us over the edge.

Our third forced breeding brings together a man who may very well be our next president and your mom....and Scott Drew and Mr. Rogers watch. Some people have questioned the scientific reasoning for this experiment. Some have even been as bold as to say it wasn't needed. Some even had the iron nuts to say we weren't even breeding coaches and politicians. We here at Gods hear your complaining and shrug it off like a polo cardigan after a set of mixed doubles before brunch. The reasoning is simple, if Scott Drew is such a Baptist son of a bitch why does he sit there smacking Mr. Rogers on the ass while watching McCain engage the enemy from behind? Now you see what's going on. Drew ISN'T EVEN BAPTIST probably. HE CHEATS ON HIS WIFE from what I've written. HE SMOKES MARIJUANA CIGARETTES AND BUYS MALE PROSTITUTES OFF E-BAY as far as you know. Baylor made a mistake in hiring him and your mom made a mistake in sleeping with John McCain. I mean, Mr. Rogers is dead for Christ's sake, what kind of sick freak is she?

Gods' scientists didn't even know McCain was visiting your mom's honey wagon but their guess is the good traits they hope to see in the offspring and the bad traits they hope to avoid are as follows.

Good: Being a presidential contender

Bad: Being a whore, finding your spanky sock and confronting you about it, sleeping with your dad


There is a rumor going around that FOG (friend of GAG) Jeffrey Martin will have a Friday Forum featuring two almost certainly terrible contributors and one really, really, really, really good contributor
Make sure to visit to see if this rumor comes to fruition.

GAG endorses Frank Martin!

God's Awesome Gift: KSU is proud to formally offer its endorsement and full support for Frank Martin's current bid to become the next President of Cuba. Frank Martin has been a long and outspoken critic of the Communist regime in his native Cuba. Martin was quoted in his recent conversation with renowned Latin American political luminary Mark Janssen as saying, of Cuba, "Those are the guys I want to coach." When asked to comment about the recent election of Raúl Castro, Martin said he didn't like to "... sit back and hope people miss. It's not my personality. It's not who I am. I like attacking" clearly answering any questions about possible second thoughts in light of Sunday's ballot returns.

God's Awesome Gift: KSU admires the spirited fight and vigor that Martin exudes. While we here at GAG would be sad to see Coach Martin depart our beloved hamlet of wondrous basketopia, it would clearly be for the greater good of the world. Much like his name sake José de San Martín, El Libertador, who led a march through South America bringing Freedom and terrific basketball; Frank Martin destiny of global domination cannot be bound by the wheat fields of the Flint Hills or the Ale Houses of Aggieville. Frank, you have liberated us too, you see. From shitty hoops and from Bob Huggins' sweaty advances on our unsullied, young barmaidens.
God Bless you Frank Martin and we wish you well.

Revolución FRANK-O

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

High Five: Big 12 Hoopz

1. Kansas State. Duh. This team is pretty much untouchable at this point. Michael Beasley. Even though a championship game between undefeated Memphis and Kansas State is what all but a few very biased college sports fans have been dreaming about, Kansas State is kicking ass and not showing any signs of letting up with the rock. Beasley.

2. Texas. Yeah, sure, there’s a big drop off between the best and the nextest bestest in this conference, but Texas is a salt team with the big hearts of courage. Don’t forget: Kevin Durant might be the second best college player ever in history. And he was on this very team just one year ago!

3. Texas A&M. Man, do I ever love the job that Mark Turgeon is doing. He has the Aggies on some really long winning streak and is impressing the shit out of a lot of people.

4. Baylor. Haven’t seen them yet. They seem real good, though. Scott Drew, turnaround, doldrums, amazing, etc.

5. Kansas. This is a young, up-and-coming team that seems to get a little better every day. Bill Self not only has the preseason’s top rated backcourt, but he’s also swimming freestyle in an ocean of what I call go-to player leaders.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Extreme Logo Makover: Turd Polishing

Everyone agrees that the only thing lamer than the Powercat logo is its name. At the same time, people seem very reluctant to scrap the design altogether. We understand this. That's why when we submitted this conceptual design idea to Kansas State University President Jon Wefald, we didn't aim to completely abandon the old design. We just tweaked it a bit. Made it cooler. Better. More now. We think this totally kicks ass.


Monday, February 25, 2008

MY TAKE: Keep NBA Talent In College!

Remember how, when you were younger or maybe still today, your father would take you to a college basketball game and relentlessly heckle the no talent scrubs sitting at the end of the bench? Well, what once provided an opportunity to laugh and have some special bonding stuff going on is now signaling the beginning of a full on crisis mode situation.

You see, amigos, the latest from the kenpom data bank indicates that the end of the bench, very much like certain global warming conditions, is growing and expanding at a crazy scary rate.

Take, for example, Tier 1 elite Duke and Tier 2 elite Kansas. Their present twin strategies to avoid recruiting NBA talent at all costs have resulted in teams consisting entirely of four year player, end of the bench type scrubby scrubs.

No doubt, your initial reaction is, so what? More scrubs, more heckles, more family fun, right? WRONG! So what’s the big fucking deal, then? Well, I’ll tell you, dude.

Teams that consist entirely of four year player, end of the bench type of scrubby scrubs have a name: mid majors. But when’s the last time you watched a game between two mid majors? Nobody wants to watch that shit, man. Point proven.

If the entire whole of college basketball becomes a huge dirty bathtub full of mid majors, no one will be interested. No one will watch on television. No one will go to games. And, I’m telling you right now. Those kinds of things are not good for college basketball. They just aren't.

In conclusion, for the sake of the college game, KEEP NBA TALENT IN COLLEGE! Peace, man. GO CATS!

Friday, February 22, 2008


We’re in for a treat today, homeboyz. You see, I just got up on my tiptoes, reached for the top shelf dickcheese, and pulled down one hell of a preemo slice: KU Athletic Director Lewis Perkins.

Aside from being the Director of Athletics at the University of Kansas and also the President of the Ugly as Fucking Sin Club for Men (and also a member), Perks is most famously known by the masses for his interest in fatness and fatness awareness related issues.

After thoroughly enjoying gastric bypass in 2002, Perko has dedicated himself to doing some major fundraising in a forward-thinking and brave attempt to provide this miracle sports procedure for at least some of his employees. As, like, a benefit or something.

I’m all for charity work (God, who isn’t?), but if I could be so bold as to offer a tiny, post gastric bypass sized wad of constructive criticism, I would exclaim that Perky, like, needs to focus way more on his career.

I don’t know. Maybe if, instead of conducting comprehensive research on the latest advancements in bariatric surgery, he had actually devoted some of his time to not getting caught cheating, he wouldn’t have been found guilty by the NCAA of a lack of institutional control. That might have helped his career a smidgen. It’s such a waste when you really think about it.

Now, due to this disappointing lack of purpose by Perk, he has been surpassed this week in the measure of life's successes by one of his former subordinates who is younger, (naturally) thinner, and kind of a whiney bitch: Former KSU Athletic Director and new Deputy Commissioner of the Big 12 Conference Tim "Wiser" Weiser. Not good, LP. Not good. Very dickcheese, IMO.

KU Fan Looking Forward To 2008 Big 12 Football Tournament

"I'm pretty sure Kansas State led the Big 12 in technical fouls in football too," says "lifelong KU football fan"


First Half:


Second Half:

Monday, February 18, 2008

Latest Really Sad Coaching Departure News

Matt Wallerstedt becomes the eleventh of Ron Prince's assistants to leave in the last calendar year and a half. Prince, notorious for creating an atmosphere full of opportunities for advancement, was unavailable for comments in English. Wallerstedt, an eternal optimist and NTN Buzztime grand champion, made a rather cryptic yet fluffy announcement through his (totally hot) spokeswoman:


Sunday, February 17, 2008

I have been banned from my own message board.

Sorry Kat Kid, you are banned from posting or sending personal messages on this forum.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Friday, February 15, 2008

EMAW'r of the Week!

Kelly Clarkson.

Kelly. Fucking. Clarkson.

As yahoo! commenter Yankeez_fan put it in standard New York-ese:

"good face... nice body."

We here at GAG: KSU agree. She will be featured prominently in our GAGgy Awards for Best Pop Music Vocalist, our calendar full of Hot, GAGger celebs and our GAG home videos featuring all the hottest young celebs showing their true colors (purple).

Well you know what else?

Nice. Fucking. T-shirt.

Your EMAW'r of the week



Here at Gods we try to make up for society’s numerous embarrassments. Our newest initiative is the forced breeding of two subsets of the world’s most important and influential figures. Big 12 basketball coaches and Politicians have always been known as the gas that makes the world engine go. Now, we here are Gods are going to take that up just a few fucking notches. Breeding these two sets of awesome together may just get us to the next evolutionary jump that puts us over the edge.

Our second forced breeding initiative features Bill Self and Arnold Schwarzenegger. This doesn’t seem like a compatible match to some but our scientists at Gods have done their homework. Arnold is an Austrian born American who governs the state of California. Bill Self is a facist who coaches the Kansas Jayhawks. Now the connection is becoming clearer isn’t it! Arnold was featured in gay porn in his early body building days. Bill Self has hair plugs. Now you’re catching on! Arnold is the least qualified governor in the nation. Bill Self turns McDonalds All Americans into solid 4-year players with no shot at the NBA. Both subjects can usually be found watching Fox News or attempting to live up to the legacy of Roy Williams. Both also enjoy missionary style sex with their unattractive wives.

We here at Gods hope this natural fit in forced captive breeding can lead to a hybrid that carries the best traits of both breeding specimens.

These good traits include: Muscle

The traits we will look to avoid include: Low basketball coaching ability, Wedding a she-beast, Baldness, Anti-Semitism

Please visit next week for our next featured breeding couple.


OMIGOD, you guys! Meeghan so just told me that Kelvin got totally busted for using his cell in school. I feel, like, so bad for Kelvin. I mean, hasn’t anyone ever heard of the First Fucking Amendment? It’s like when these teachers try to tell you what clothes you can and can’t wear. What the fuck, dude? You don’t know me. You don’t know how I feel. You don’t know Marilyn Manson 2004 Summer Concert Tour.

(ii.) ON HEINOUS RULES. There’s a little known saying about heinous rules that you may have heard once or twice in your ear. It comes from Maine. Way up in the top part. It says that heinous rules are made to be trampled upon. Forget that one. It doesn’t apply here. I’m talking about a different saying. The other one. It’s the one that says that heinous rules are enforced by dickcheese.

Awwwww, yeah. Kaboom! There it is. Myles Brand is so totally this week’s dickcheese. How does it feel, Mr. Myles? Maybe if you had better things to do in your life you wouldn’t be perusing phone call records, you fucking pervert. Best of luck Coach Sampson!!! Go show ‘em what you’ve got! Go KS! GO KSU! GO CATS!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

My Funny Valentine

J-Free will always
be, the 1 QB 4 me
Sorry Ell and Bish

K-State Dream Valentine

There once was a guy named Pat Bosco
His name kind of rhymes with Fat Rosco
He's a little Italian
Hung like a Stallion
And does all his shopping at Costco

Monday, February 11, 2008

MY TAKE: Embarrassing “Pressers” get a NOT! (HOT!)

College students, like Scandinavians, should be seen and not heard. This is doubly true for student athletes at KSU. Why, then, are the folks at the KSU yearbook, Royal Purple Yearbook, broadcasting Seussical the Musical inspired ramblings of said individuals for the internet community at large to see at large? The answer? Just as it was regarding the profs, poi, and porn pictorial controversy last year, the answer is quite simple: COLLEGE STUDENTS.

That’s right. Unbelievably, this is, quite remarkably, a case of college students giving other college students a voice. You see, a GAG KSU special investigation has uncovered and revealed that the KSU yearbook, Royal Purple, is actually a publication of students: COLLEGE STUDENTS.

How could such a tragic flimflam have occurred, you ask? We don’t know.

What’s important here, though, isn’t how this has happened. It is that it has happened. That is, that’s what’s important here. Indubitable proof that it has indeed happened (what’s important here) can be viewed by all at large in the video montage compilation below.

WARNING! What you are about to witness is embarrassing to KSU, its friends, its family, the countries from which its foreign students derive, and to both the Declaration of Independence and free speech in general. The fifth time you see it, your stomach will turn. The tenth time you see it, you will get, like, really, really mad. After that, it’s basically a lot of crying about the future of our planet. GO CATS!

Footage courtesy of Royal Purple Yearbook. Tunes courtesy of the The Flying Burrito Brothers. Formatting courtesy of Team Catlab.

Friday, February 8, 2008

EMAW!'r of the Week


That is the word around here. Things are abuzz at the Gods workshop. Executive decisions are being made and shit is getting done. The gooey, primordial soup is slowly taking shape. Apparently, someone decided to shape Fridays (aka, the start of the weekend) like a wiener. Or more specifically like that shit that cakes under your mushroom head if you don't clean after a wank and makes your junk smell like the crease between the cushions in the dorm lobby couch on Sunday morning. Well EXCUUUUUUUUSE ME! Some of us like to fucking party around here and getting a face full of well aged man-aize is not our idea of a good time. Some of us like to go in to the weekend with a BANG! Not the pathetic remains of one.


So you know what? Apparently this shit is like Vietnam, Walter. Maybe there aren't any rules. So I decided, henceforth, to give your wieners something to jam with instead of just a rotten case of wiener jam.

EMAW!'r of the Week

Ok. For the retards:
EMAW! = Every Man A Wildcat.
EMAW!'r = Every Man A Wildcat'r
EMAW!'r of the Week = Every Man A Wildcat'r of the Week (in this case Feb 4-8 if you want to get fucking technical)



God is this week's EMAW'r of the Week because of his creation of Kansas State University. "What?", you exclaim.

Fuck you. Apparently, someone is a little asshole contrarian. Well, no one likes an asshole.

Apparently, you missed the part where it said that God created the Universe and then he made Man. Man made Kansas State University. Therefore God made Kansas State University.

Looks like someone never took the SAT. And don't give me this "literal interpretation" "with his hands" noise. He just sub-contracted that shit out because he's got the cash flow.

Don't hate.

That's why it is God's Awesome Gift: KSU and not Isaac Goodnow's Awesome Gift: KSU, ok?

So anyway, I'll finish off by saying:

Thank You O'Lord (yes he's Irish you smart ass)
For this blessed institution of higher learning
For Michael Beasley and Billy Walker
For Frank Martin and Dalonte Hill
For Josh Freeman
For this Awesome blog that will serve testament to your Bodacious greatness
For Led Zepplin
And for burning down that building so we could have the Wabash.

This week's EMAW'r of the Week!




You've heard all sorts of yarns and tales this week about Bob Knight - or "Coach K" as he is affectionately known. Most of it is about the legacy he leaves behind him. Some claim he was a very, very great man who did very, very great things yet was, sadly, misunderstood. Others contend that he was a huge fucking asshole sometimes mistaken for something else. I don’t know anything about any of that. What I do know is that Coach K was, if nothing else, 100% dickcheese.

Judgements about things like whether or not and to what degree Coach K was a huge fucking asshole aside, everyone around town agrees that he was a master of a zenmaster motivator and teacher. Pretty much almost like a non-fiction Yoda. While widely lauded for keeping his cool when an out of control hippie referee threw a chair at him simply because he asked for clarification of a rule (a stupid rule to begin with), perhaps Coach K’s greatest act of selflessness and goodwill towards his fellow man came when Zeke Thomas had some diarrhea type issues during a game one night. Coach K stayed behind long after everyone else had gone home and, on his hands and knees, cleaned up all the Zeke dookie which covered the entirety of the locker room floor.

Much like I felt when the lovable Woody Hayes passed on, I'm now wishing that I could have had the honor of meeting Coach K before he died. One thing is certain, though. Each time I catch a glimpse of the shit collected on the wad of toilet paper that I’ve just used to wipe my ass, I’ll remember you, Coach K. Rest in peace, dickcheese. And may God’s love be with you.

Thursday, February 7, 2008


Here at Gods we try to make up for society’s numerous embarrassments. Our newest initiative is the forced breeding of two subsets of the world’s most important and influential figures. Big 12 basketball coaches and Politicians have always been known as the gas that makes the world engine go. Now, Gods and it's subsidiaries are going to take that up just a few fucking notches. Breeding these two sets of awesome together may just get us to the next evolutionary jump that puts us over the edge.

Our first forced breeding experiment features two very compatible subjects and should make for an easy coupling. These two lovable drunken pisspots were easily located, Ted at Rosemary’s Thyme Lounge in DC partaking in half price pitchers of margaritas and Sean at Mike’s College Bar in Stillwater partaking in puking on the fucking floor. Their similarities don’t end there. Both Sean and Ted suffer from “Family-much-better-at-chosen-profession-than-me-syndrome.” This additional compatibility point made the bumbling booze-breaths start crying and hugging each other on first introduction in a disturbing man-boob saturated embrace. They also found common ground in their not remembering when/were they had last seen the Oklahoma State Cowboys/daughter Kara Kennedy. We here at Gods hope this natural fit in forced captive breeding can lead to a hybrid that carries the best traits of both breeding specimens.

These good traits include: Wealth.

The traits we will look to avoid include: Stank, Booziness, Bad at job/career, Falling asleep at the wheel like dad always did.

Please visit next week for our next featured breeding couple.

Local KU Fans Ready for Yearly Disappointment

Lawrence resident Trevor “Trevsky” Nicholson has been nervously counting down the days to the KU annual basketball disappointment he explained to Gods in a recent interview. “I just hope it isn’t to Bucknell or Bradley, you know?” said the junior. “As a Psychology major I understand more than most the mental shit this team puts us through. Hell, much of my year goes into claiming my Hawks are Elite and One of the Big Dogs but I know what’s coming, yeah, I know” Trevor gloomily confessed during our interview at Freestate with a bunch of his “bras”. Trevor’s frat “bro” Hamilton “The Hamster” Johnson confided in Gods in a supposedly private interview that he didn’t even think he wanted to be a KU fan anymore, “I just don’t think it’s worth it, knowing we will under-perform again and send me and my bro’hams into our seasonal depression.” “I think I may just hang with my boys at the Wheel and scope for some hotties because that’s what we do best," The Hamster suggested before administering “high-fives” to his “bros-in-arms.” One thing is for sure, none of this Abercrombie and Fitch outfitted troupe was going to bet anything on their hawks winning it all. “No, man, I won’t put any cheese on the hawks this year. I work to hard for that allowance to waste it on anything but micros and biaaatches”, explained Kenny “Milkchugger” Lawson to nods of approval from his “posse”.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Mizzou-huh? K-WHO!


Blue and Yellow

Blue and yellow.
Blue and yellow.
Fly up.
Fly down.

One and two.
One not two.
Yellow and Blue.
Yellow and Blue.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Salute to a Great American

EarthdogFred is living the American dream. Not only does he serve as the principal administrator and chief lead moderater of's message board bulletin bbs online discussion forums, he is also a renowned evaluator and analyst online and on the air and the "godfather" of Internet recruiting coverage for

Be sure to keep up with EarthdogFred's coverage of college basketball if and only if you don't want to look like a shithead when talking to your friends.

EarthdogFred's latest game analysis:

After weeks of speculation that we would go undefeated and comparisons of the team to the '97 team, the '02 team, the '82 UNC team, '84 Georgetown, '90 UNLV and the '27 Yankees, the lads got boatraced by a bunch of freshmen "coached" by a discredited, hack former high school AAU coach. Still, in even the bleakest hour there is a silver lining. And, as always, the GBU is committed to finding it.


1. Russell Robinson fouled out with 2 minutes and 36 seconds to go. Unfortunately, a clerical error revealed he only had four fouls, so he reentered the game whereupon he promptly fouled out again with 1 minute to go. Even more unfortunately this all occurred in the second half rather than the first where losing Robinson might have done some good.

2. I have checked the schedule and we, in fact, do not have to play those guys in Africa. So the worst we can do is 0-2, 0-3 if we can make it to the conference tournament finals.

3. Thank God we have poised and experienced upper classmen who won't lose their composure, panic, and start throwing up circus shots at the first sign of any adversity. This bodes well for the tournament.


1. The GBU has received the following advisory from the American Medical Association and passes it along here. Attention Medical Professionals: Recent medical research has revealed a serious side effect of ACL surgery -- an uncontrollable urge to jump out of the gym at the sign of the slightest head fake. To date, there is no known cure.

2. Darrell Arthur is not going to be the second coming of Drew Gooden, unfortunately. He is the second coming of Nick Collison. In addition to sharing the trait of outstanding offensive footwork, Arthur, like Collison, also is utterly incapable of playing without picking up silly fouls. Of course, some of the blame for this lies with Self's ridiculous post rotation circus last season that prevented Arthur from acquiring important experience on playing with fouls and avoiding them.

3. I assume that watching the team run nothing but ineffective high screen/roll and dribble weave will put an end to the notion that some sort of sophisticated and effective half court offense was installed over the semester break.


1. KSU looks to be very well coached team. The have improved dramatically over the course of the season. The players know their roles and stick to them. Their system is designed to get the ball to scorers in position to score. They play solid defense and value the ball. Our lads, not so much. Of course, one game may be misleading. Coaching against utterly undisciplined, roll out the ball and let 'em play AAU squads is the perfect experience for playing us. So perhaps we are giving Martin too much credit.

2. O.K., look, it was pretty obvious as a freshman that we weren't going to get the promised "slightly smaller white Shaq." But, it seemed reasonable to expect that as a senior "Skillets" Kaun might be a Pollard-like contributor. Sadly, no. He is on pace to break the records set by Ostertag and Chenowith for most disappointing big man in ku history. He was so bad last night that some flocksters even suggested that Aldrich should get his minutes. That seemed reasonable until you looked at Aldrich's line -- 4 minutes, 0 points, 0 rebounds, 2 turnovers. Thank God for "one and done's." You want to talk ugly? Just imagine 4 years of the Beasley/Aldrich match up. Four minutes was more than I could handle.

3. That fine performance should silence the ridiculous Branch Darnellians, or at least stop the "he's consistent" nonsense. Thirty minutes. Only two shots. Seven points. Four rebounds, none offensive. Two turnovers. No assists. And let's not even talk about his matador defense on Bill Walker. In decades of watching college basketball I don't know that I've ever seen a defender get so abused, for which Darnell receives the coveted Ned Beatty Award for the game.

Thanks to some dude Rusty for archiving.