Stewart Excited About Prospects

Kansas State graduating point guard Clent Stewart is excited about his prospects, "You know, I've gotten some calls," Stewart remarked when asked about endorsement deals many players get. "The NCAA was quick to get in touch with me this season, I mean, they contacted me before Big 12 play started!" Stewart worried about keeping his eligibility and not breaking rules. "The NCAA kept calling and wanting to talk to me regarding their new campaign about athletes going pro in something other than sports. I was interested but had to tell them that it would have to wait until after my senior year or I could get in trouble!" Clent hopes the NCAA is still interested and assures GAG that he is, indeed, planning on going pro in something other than sports.

NFL's #1 Most Wanted Player

We’ve been saying like forever now that Josh Freeman is the college player rated highest by the NFL. It’s a no brainer, really. Coach Ron’s reputation of developing top NFL talent alone tells us this. We need look no further than to the legend of the scumbag, burden to society, worthless POS who turned into the all pro Packer wide receiver. You look so beautiful, Jordy.

Now, however, we have solid proof. We have it from the mouths of the NFL scouts themselves that Freeman is indeed the NFL’s #1 most wanted player.

How do we know? We know because someone in the know let Jeff Martin know who then let us know. This inside info came from none other than Coach Ron himself.

I know what you are thinking. Why haven't I heard this before? Most coaches would have been trumpeting this kind of juicy yet sensational news to every major sports and sports related media source in the globe. Especially when you consider that Michael Beasley is sort of stealing all of the thunder away from the football team as the NBA’s #1 most wanted player. Put in this position, most football coaches would be like, "Me, too! Me, too!"

Coach Ron, on the other hand, just kind of casually let this info slip out while he was chatting with some alumni. But that’s just the kind of thing that separates someone like Coach Ron from all the rest. Thank God for that.

GO CATS!

Clip-Art Confident In Sustinance

In a follow up story to a previous interview with KU football mascot Clip-Art, he's now confident he'll have a serviceable place to eat, "Looks like they're at least building a mid-level high school cafeteria for the employees to eat at....I mean, it doesn't look like much but it appears they may have room for a salad bar. Do you know when they'll break ground on the football facility?"

A 30 something Jayhawk tries to "play it cool" on Mass post-Championship

Hilarity ensues!

Off Season for Self Getting Weirder

Amidst reports that he has been running around the KU campus copping feels off of hottie co-ed victims, Bill Self has just done the unthinkable. I mean, it’s not unthinkable because of its heinous nature or anything like that. It’s just that you would never in your wildest dreams have imagined something like this happening because it’s so fucking bizarre.

Yesterday, Self was seen at the Liz Claiborne Outlet Store in Lawrence on his hands and knees and looking up skirts of store mannequins. Witnesses say that he looked up the skirts of three white mannequins and then was attempting to lift up the skirt of a black mannequin with his teeth when he realized that he was being watched and ran out of the store.

While Self has apparently done nothing illegal, he definitely weirded out a lot of people at the outlet mall. The store manager isn’t going to consider banning Self from the store, citing awesome free pub as the reason.

Generic Clip-Art Football Character Has Seen It All Now

The generic clipart football character was recently included in something he never thought he would be a part of, "You have to be absolutely fist fucking me!" said Clip-Art, "I've been on tons of cheap homemade birthday party invites and grade school pee-wee league signup sheets but this is nuts." His exasperation stems from his sudden and strange inclusion on the new University of Kansas football facility. "Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be here," said Clip-Art, "My only concern is that they may have second thoughts once they realize that the 3.1 million dollars they paid the architectural designer went straight up his nose and he shot me to them via hotmail the day his design was due. I mean, I was the third option after typing 'football player' in the Google image search."

"Self Copping Feels" Issue Continues To Fester

Despite a huge media blitz over this past holiday weekend by the University of Kansas's Athletic Department, the buzz surrounding Bill Self and his habit of copping copious amounts of Jayhawk cheerleaders continues to be a sore spot for University officials. A spokesperson for the university commented to GAG: KSU off the record that "We tend to give coaches free reign in this area, and for good reason, however, Bill's actions have us rethinking our strategy in this space."

Hard to argue with anyone wanting to grab an occasional, stray, mooseknuckle. But to do it at such an historic and tradition laden venue such as Allane Field House in Lawrence, home to KU's Jayhawks, seems to almost reek of sacrilage.

As the head of facilities at Allane Field House, Parrish McWilliams has seen his share of what he calls "handsy coaches". Quoting Mr.McWilliams "sure, Larry loved the cheerleaders, Roy loved them all, grabbed ass all the time, and tits too! But Bill Self, he takes the cake, then grabs its ass."

All the while, Coach Self tries to address the problem in a more "hands-on" manner..."I just won the National Championship!" the Coach was quoted as yelling from his Lexus as he and Mario Chalmers drove by our reporters, apparently the pair were heading to Pita Pitt this morning for an unusual and oddly timed snack break.

See pic below, dude.

Can you say Larry Eustachy? Well, by the time you do, the powers that be at the University of Kansas will have had the photo seen directly to the left removed form the Lawrence Journal-World and those responsible for its appearance fired, blacklisted, and kicked in the nads really hard. As per usual.

It's a pretty fucking good thing, then, that I learned how to "right click" followed by "save picture as" just the other day. Unfortunately, we now have documented evidence ON RECORD that the rumors you've heard about Bill Self copping feels up all around the KU campus are true, true, true. NCAA investigations are sure to follow. Major embarrassment is sure to follow that. And precede it, as well.

HERE ARE MY TERMS:

I will take this picture down when and only when the University of Kansas forfeits its 2008 national championship title. I will then not disclose any intel that I have obtained regarding Bill Self copping feels up. (Fans can keep their championship t-shirts.)

RON PRINCE FUN DAY!

Do you like shooting guns? At people? Well, then, what do you think about Ron Prince?

One lucky KSU fan will soon win the fourth annual Dodge City Catbacker purple pride camouflage gun. In attendance for the presentation: Coach Ron.

After he dropped Fresno State off the schedule, we weren't sure. But it seems as though Coach Ron does indeed have some balls after all.

Remember, coach: Don't squat with your spurs on.

Ron Prince Seen Making The Rounds On ESPN

In what can only lead to more good publicity for the Kansas State football program Ron Prince (pictured left) has recently been seen by this God's contributor making the rounds on the ESPN family of networks including a daily appearance on popular program PTI. Well, keep up the good work coach and we all look forward to a great 2008!

Kansas State Spring Game Recap!!

Manhattan, KS- The Purple and White game was a thrilling match-up of defensive juggernauts as the Whiteys edged the Purps by a field goal on a picture-esque day in the Valley of the Wheat on the Plains by the Dam. The White sideline erupted in orgasmic exultation upon the oblong leather inflatable soared through the perpendiculars (Above). The previously suspect defense toyed with the two offensive sides leading Sophomore Linebacker Olu Hall to sum up the day thusly: “I thought that the defense did really good on both sides of the ball.” Later adding: "And the offense totally sucked balls on the third side of the ball."


On the offensive side of the ball, Josh "16 karat Golden Boy" Freeman (Above) seemed oblivious that the state of affairs was offensive. Freeman seemed dazed and confused and brought a family-size bag of Funions and an industrial bucket of Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing to the presser explaining, "You guys have no idea. I was in the zone. We ran soooo many plays dude." Freeman and the offensive team emerged amid a plume of smoke and the Junior quarterback hinted that celebrations might have started a day early "Life is just so complex, man. It's like we were talking about life, the offense and life, you know? Do you ever think about something and then you want to say what you're thinking about, but then you start thinking about what you're saying as you're saying it and you wonder if it makes any sense at all?"

But the Weekend Fan-Fest was not quite as "festive" for everyone. Some attendees were disappointed to arrive to find that the promised pre-kick concert featuring "The Goo Goo Dolls" had been canceled. Longtime Hutchinson resident and self-proclaimed "Goo face" Jacob Douchenberry. "We hadn't heard about the cancellation. It was a real let down." To make matters worse, others pointed out that the Wamego Tulip Festival conflicted with this year's annual pigskin kick-off. Dolores and Orville Turnipson of Tecumseh, have been attending both events for 37 years together. "We've never had the both on the same day," exclaimed Dolores. "I might not make it all the way through the game," said Orville, adding "I might take a nap or two."

Overall the day can be summed up by the box score with Cherry popping one through in the fourth quarter to save the assembled faithful from the specter of more scoreless football in overtime. Cherry's 51 yard score was the perfect end to an akward first date for Wildcat players and fans. Hopefully with some more practice and confidence the future will hold some more sustained drives, some more scoring and maybe even a successful foray in to the Endzone. Wildcat fans seem willing to go there, but the team still seems to be working things out on their own. Here's hoping for a more successful and exciting season than this fucking boner bruise of a Saturday.

Really it says it all.

Lawrence, KS: Bottomless pit of awkward white guys

Kansas Jayhawk defensive coordinator Clint Bowen presents the Ray Evans Defensive MVP Award to Aqib Talib and James McClinton then wishes he understood what they said to each other.

QUICK HITS OFF THE PIPE

What's been going on so far this spring:

1. Spring game draft. Defensive coordinator Tim Tibesar surprised everyone when he took cornerback Josh Moore #1 in the spring game draft. Moore is a good pick. It's just that everyone thought he was looking at Josh Freeman. You know, because of the lazy eye or whatever it is.

2. Extra sweaty coach. Word around town is that Ron Prince has been boinking the wife of one of his assistant coaches. As hard as it is to believe considering who we're dealing with, Coach Ron will have to sweat this one out and pray to his false, evil god(s) that this thing will just kind of go away on its own.

3. Rookie coaching wanted. While Coach Ron isn't a rookie coach, in his frantic, desperate search for anything that might help save the impending disastrous season, he is seeking the counsel of those who have no experience coaching football. It's reported that Virginia defensive end Chris Long advised Coach Ron to utilize Ian Campbell in a way that would minimize his strengths. Coach Ron was surprised to discover that he hadn't adequately done exactly that last year and then thanked Chris Long for his graciousness and beauty.

Latest Huggins Drinking Game! (Not all that good, IMO.)

Enough is Enough

Everyone knows Ron Prince is a cold blooded son of a bitch when it comes to the day to day operations of Kansas State Football. But he goes another step further and has the brass balls to pin his opponent for a FIVE count as opposed to the traditional three count in the ring. Listen Ronald, we know you are a fairly decent wrestler but we don’t want to see you embarrass your opponent. Be the bigger man and leave the ring after the 3 count. I’m half tempted to contact the management of the World Wrestling Federation and complain about your shenanigans. Don’t even get me started on your “manager” Jimmy Hart who does the showboating FIVE count for you in front of the, what I can only assume to be, booing crowd. Point is: GAG will no longer stand for your one-upmanship. From now on, every time you feel the need to “5-count” your opponent I suggest you think about the crowd and fans that came to watch you perform. Got it!?

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

Free Mustache Rides!

Somebody Keep Bob Away From The Ladys.

OWWWWW!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Devil

Alright jerkstores, it's your ole' hero again, the fucking Devil. A lot of people have been talking at length lately about "selling your soul". Well, as the consumer at the end of these transactions I thought it was time to shed a little light on the subject for you dumbsticks that act like you know what's what. First of all, you can't just proclaim that you're selling your soul and expect to get top market value. For example, Ron Prince has tried to barter with his soul about a gazillion times but the Devil wasn't born yesterday pal. A lot of people thought I had something to do with the Josh Freeman acquisition. Well, to tell you the truth, that one surpised even the Devil. Arthur Brown in return for your crapty soul? Give me a fuckin' break, Ronald.

The Devil always has been a big softy for some good college basketball soul selling. The Larry Brown/Danny Manning's dad soul package deal was a real monster. Manning Sr. will still be fondly looking back on his "coachin' days" while I'm shoving a red hot coal so far up his fucking ass for all of eternity it just may have been worth it to the old truck driver. How Larry Brown keeps coming up with souls to sell is beyond me. Kansas State, a new player in the soul selling game, has a lot of potential. They seem to be getting their water legs when it comes to fair trade value. I really stuck it to them with the Huggins deal but they rebounded nicely on their next transaction.

That raises another issue. Some folks think a school or individual only has one soul. We call these people morons. There are many ways a person or school can come into possession of more than one soul. The soul game is a fair and open market. Alumni can donate their soul to their alma mater (The Pickens, as we call it) and coaches can acquire booster souls in exchange for goods, services and permission to act like a retard (The Gardner Special).

This is just the basics, I will be back periodically to highlight the trends and transactions in the soul market. If you are interested in bartering please see my right hand man, Lew Perkins. He's on my Verizon friends list so we can talk as long as we want without having to worry about overages.