Friday, October 24, 2008


Listen, Catmatt is barely a complete pussy imo. The guy is what he is alright!? I'm posting this becaue he told me to tell the world that he is voting Republican. He's voting Republican for one reason and one reason only (Palin, losers, Palin)

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Game Preview: Oklahoma

All eyes in the Big 12 will be turned to Manhattan for at least the first quarter this weekend as Snyder votary and OU head coach Bob Stoops brings his team of talented, well-paid superjocks into Snyder Stadium to face Ron Prince's merry band of jackasses in a one-sided matchup that the Big 12 will likely never forget.

"We are basically going to get the fuck beat out of us," said K-State coach Ron 'Pimp Juice' Prince. "There is no way in shit we're going to be able to gameplan for this fucking thing. We as a coaching staff just lack the cognitive ability. I watched them play KU last week when I was supposed to be coming up with a strategy for the Colorado game, and they are, like, really good."

Indeed, they are, like, really good. OU brings the second-best offense in the Big 12 (and fourth in the country) into Manhattan. Averaging 544 yards per game, this unstoppable machine has seemingly been preordained by God to shock and awe the 105th-ranked Wildcat Lynch Mob Defense (giving up 429 yards per game) into submission this weekend.

"I make $200,000 a year," said defensive coordinator Tim Tibesar with a grin.

While OU's offense bears comparison to a freight train from Hell, their real strength may lie on defense. Stoops says he wins games with defense first, a stark contrast to Prince's "fuck defense" strategy. OU's defense ranks 34th in the country, which, for the Big 12, is fucking incredible. Stoops discussed his intricate gameplan with this reporter.

"Well, we plan to focus on the one bright spot on offense, their big quarterback [Josh] Freeman," said Stoops, wiping his nose after yet another line of coke. "He is basically the only player worth a shit on their team. He's really big and stuff. So we're really just gonna try to hit him really hard. I mean other than that I haven't really thought about it. I guess you could say I'm not worried about this one."

When asked what he planned to do against the Wildcat defense, Stoops laughed until he shit his pants.

A crowd of about twelve people is expected to gather for the game, which will for some reason be televised on Fox Sports Net at 11:00 AM CST. Asked if he was purposely trying to embarass the Wildcats by putting them on television, Big 12 director Dan Beebe said, "yes." The buzz on campus is palpable, with several students wearing purple shirts. At least one student appeared excited for the game.

"I am going to take this rifle," said K-State student Tom Tomlinson. "And I am going to shoot Prince in the head when he walks his happy ass out on that field."

Friday, October 17, 2008

Let's Play What the Fuck Happened to _____?

Up this week: JEREMY BLOOM!!!

Most KSU fans rememer Jeremy Bloom as a fucking awesome bump skier. Trivia quiz masters may also remember that he played for the Colorado Buffalo men's football team. And would you believe that Mr. Bloom even got some playing time in a game against KSU? Click on the following link to see some video evidence of that: Click this right here.

There you have it.

So, back to the issue at hand. What is Mr. Bloom up to these days?

Giving back. That's what.

JB founded the Donna Wheeler Foundation. The Donna Wheeler Foundation's mission is to fulfill lifelong dreams to senior citizens.

It sounds a lot like the Make-a-Wish Foundation to me. Except that instead of kids, they use old people. And the old people aren't dying...or, um...well, you know what I mean.

Okay, here's where I was going to write something positive about this Donna Wheeler Wish of a Lifetime stuff. I'm starting to realize, however, that this is a really fucking shitty idea.

Have you ever spent any time around old people? They absolutely live for their simple, mundane daily routine. And why the fuck would they want to go to a Van Halen recording session when they can't hear a fucking thing? Or go base jumping when they might not be able to deploy their chute because they fucking fell asleep on the way down?

Jesus Christ, what a fucking horrible idea. I can't write any more.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


Webster's Dictionary of American English defines 'subterfuge' as 'deceit used in order to achieve one's goal.' You might be wondering why I bring this up, and if you are wondering, then you're an idiot, a terrible fan and an awful American.

Anyway, you idiots, Ron is clearly just fucking with the Big 12 right now. A lot of people might look at our #111th-ranked defense and think, "we really suck at defense!" Well, I look at it and think to myself, "well played, sir!"

There are two things we know about Ron Prince:

1. He is smart. Really smart.
2. idk

Clearly, a man of such intellect is not actually this bad of a coach. And I have found proof. Using a superb disguise, I was able to access the subterranean vault that contains Ron's Plan. Actually, I'll be honest, there's not even a vault. I found it in the parking lot, kind of behind Planet Sub, lying against the wall near a dumpster, you know, back where that little tiny alleyway goes between the buildings? It's kind of like a secret passage back there, you can go from the parking lot behind Porter's, Hair Shapers, etc., and pop out of that little alley right onto Moro. It's a lot of fun, you should try it. Anyway, there it was, on the ground, covered in semen and vomit, so I picked it up, and read it. On page 4,390 were the following words:

"It is the aspiration of this effervescent organization to ascend with great haste to the upper echelon of our chosen sport. In this regard, it is important for us to have a shitty defense. By featuring a languid, inexpert defense against our primary sextet of opponents, we can then lull the final sextet into a false sense of security. After the sixth game (in which we will allow some random fucker to throw for 419 yards and let the worst offense in the Big 12 outgain us by over 100 yards, by the way we will 44-30 just so you know), we will unleash a breathtaking, stupefying defense the likes of which have never been seen before at any level of football. The looks of shock on our final six opponent's faces will be priceless! In this way, we will march righteously onward up the stairway to college football heaven, ascending ever-on to the greatest heights imaginable."

Now fully erect, I rushed home to post this. It's so clear now! Ron was just fucking with us! Clearly the key to consistently competing for championships is a chunk of clever chicanery! The next six games will see the return of the Lynch Mob, for it has been written, written in the Great Plan. I fully expect us to dominate defensively against Colorado this weekend. We could possibly even hold them to negative yards and points.

I am currently in the process of reading through more of the Plan and will post more information as I find it! Right now I'm on Chapter 17, "How To Succeed In College Football Without Really Trying." It's slow reading because I have to clean off the rat feces from the alleyway but in time I should be able to decipher this Glorious Plan!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Ron Prince Replacement Candidate #5

Meet Bryan McPennis. Bryan is an assistant at San Jose University. His specialty is offense.

I had the opportunity to do a phone interview with Bryan this afternoon. Here is what I can remember from our chat.

GAG: So, Bryan, are you available to take a head coaching position?

BM: Yes. Yes, I am.

GAG: How soon are you available?

BM: Well, I'm currently at San Jose University through this season...

GAG: What if someone said, "Hey, you can have this head coaching position, but you have to take it before the season is over. That's part of the deal." Would you be available sooner in that type of case?

BM: Yeah, I guess so. Probably.

GAG: All right, then, Bryan. That's all the questions I have for today. Thank you for your time. Good luck with the season.

Saturday, October 11, 2008


Like the economy, Ronald Prince has to have hit bottom by now. The rebound is here and I, for one, will not sit by idly and not grab this opportunity. You like winners? How about utter losers that are suddenly winners? That's the opportunity you have before you here. Ron could pull one out from nowhere and you'll look like a genius! Penny stocks have made a bunch of morons some money in the past and you are dense if you think it can't happen again. What do you have to lose! In summary:

aTm 31
KSU 37