Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Mo Latimore's career advice


Alright young gun. You're at your first job and the boss man says they may be "making some changes" what do you do? Go in to the office and beg for your job?

HELLS NO!

You go back to your office and pretend like nothing ever happened. Shuffle papers around, make lots of copies, and hit the recruiting trail. Have your secretary keep you in the loop but unavailable until the next schmuck shows up and then you come back his first day and look busy.

Take it from me young man, just act busy, keep trucking and keep your head down. If the new boss comes in to ask questions look up at that motherfucker and say "Excuse me, I'm trying to get some goddamn work done in here!"

That is how you keep your desk, son.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

My Snyder Concerns


Get ready for some "senior moments" Kat Fanz!













Monday, November 24, 2008

Sunday, November 16, 2008

IT'S FITZ!


*****!!!BREAKING!!!*****




In a shocking move, Kansas State Athletic Director Bob Krause got way too drunk during the dismantling in Manhattan earlier today, as the Pelini-led Huskers rolled the EMAW'd out GOKATZ who were wearing an ensemble designed by none other than GOD'S in-house fashionista chum1, and decided to pull what many are calling a puzzling turn in the GARY PATTERSON TO KANSAS STATE story which was broken by none other than FitzFuck himself on G0P****cat.com. Over that Friday EMAWrz everywhere watched as Fitz slowly pulled out the beating hope from KAZZU fans everywhere and simultaneously ate and shat on it in what has been called 1 Fitz 1 cup by many a jaded KATPAK'R. When Fitz posted "IT'S PATTERSON!" few believed him, but now his credibility is at an all-time low as Fitz takes the reigns of a program struggling not only for an identity, but also for warm carcasses that have a passing resemblence to Big XII talent. Well, we here at GAG think Fitz may have got the whole GARY PATTERSON IS COMING TO K-STATE AND IS TOTALLY THE NEXT COACH story wrong but hey, we will throw what support we can muster behind his sizable ass.

LET'S GO FITZ! FUCK 'EM!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL

The subject is an old, familiar one: Fan anonymity.

If you wish to protect yours, we suggest removing your name tag.


Photo courtesy of fatty fat fat, bigtime hero to GAG KSU.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Potential coaching candidates

1. Gary Patterson -- Defensive minded coach who is a Kansas native and K-State alum. Fiery demeanor; a "chip on his shoulder" kind of guy. Outstanding record and virtually spotless coaching job done at TCU.

2. Gary Patterson -- Defensive minded coach who is a Kansas native and K-State alum. Fiery demeanor; a "chip on his shoulder" kind of guy. Outstanding record and virtually spotless coaching job done at TCU.

3. Gary Patterson -- Defensive minded coach who is a Kansas native and K-State alum. Fiery demeanor; a "chip on his shoulder" kind of guy. Outstanding record and virtually spotless coaching job done at TCU.

4. Gary Patterson's left testicle -- Has been coaching with Gary for over 20 years.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Ron Prince Resigned. Or Will Resign. Or Whatever.

We will never be able to find a better coach than Coach Prince. We may find one that wins more games, but never one better.

Our thoughts and prayers will always be with you, Coach Prince. Bring it around town. Bring it around town.


video

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Game Preview - KU


KSU is going to win this one for a handful of Gamma Phi's that are going to be dealing with a lot of heartache for the rest of their lives because of this son of a bitch.
KSU - 94 KU- 1

Friday, October 24, 2008

CATMATT: A PERSPECTIVE


Listen, Catmatt is barely a complete pussy imo. The guy is what he is alright!? I'm posting this becaue he told me to tell the world that he is voting Republican. He's voting Republican for one reason and one reason only (Palin, losers, Palin)

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Game Preview: Oklahoma

All eyes in the Big 12 will be turned to Manhattan for at least the first quarter this weekend as Snyder votary and OU head coach Bob Stoops brings his team of talented, well-paid superjocks into Snyder Stadium to face Ron Prince's merry band of jackasses in a one-sided matchup that the Big 12 will likely never forget.

"We are basically going to get the fuck beat out of us," said K-State coach Ron 'Pimp Juice' Prince. "There is no way in shit we're going to be able to gameplan for this fucking thing. We as a coaching staff just lack the cognitive ability. I watched them play KU last week when I was supposed to be coming up with a strategy for the Colorado game, and they are, like, really good."

Indeed, they are, like, really good. OU brings the second-best offense in the Big 12 (and fourth in the country) into Manhattan. Averaging 544 yards per game, this unstoppable machine has seemingly been preordained by God to shock and awe the 105th-ranked Wildcat Lynch Mob Defense (giving up 429 yards per game) into submission this weekend.

"I make $200,000 a year," said defensive coordinator Tim Tibesar with a grin.

While OU's offense bears comparison to a freight train from Hell, their real strength may lie on defense. Stoops says he wins games with defense first, a stark contrast to Prince's "fuck defense" strategy. OU's defense ranks 34th in the country, which, for the Big 12, is fucking incredible. Stoops discussed his intricate gameplan with this reporter.

"Well, we plan to focus on the one bright spot on offense, their big quarterback [Josh] Freeman," said Stoops, wiping his nose after yet another line of coke. "He is basically the only player worth a shit on their team. He's really big and stuff. So we're really just gonna try to hit him really hard. I mean other than that I haven't really thought about it. I guess you could say I'm not worried about this one."

When asked what he planned to do against the Wildcat defense, Stoops laughed until he shit his pants.

A crowd of about twelve people is expected to gather for the game, which will for some reason be televised on Fox Sports Net at 11:00 AM CST. Asked if he was purposely trying to embarass the Wildcats by putting them on television, Big 12 director Dan Beebe said, "yes." The buzz on campus is palpable, with several students wearing purple shirts. At least one student appeared excited for the game.

"I am going to take this rifle," said K-State student Tom Tomlinson. "And I am going to shoot Prince in the head when he walks his happy ass out on that field."

Friday, October 17, 2008

Let's Play What the Fuck Happened to _____?

Up this week: JEREMY BLOOM!!!

Most KSU fans rememer Jeremy Bloom as a fucking awesome bump skier. Trivia quiz masters may also remember that he played for the Colorado Buffalo men's football team. And would you believe that Mr. Bloom even got some playing time in a game against KSU? Click on the following link to see some video evidence of that: Click this right here.

There you have it.

So, back to the issue at hand. What is Mr. Bloom up to these days?

Giving back. That's what.

JB founded the Donna Wheeler Foundation. The Donna Wheeler Foundation's mission is to fulfill lifelong dreams to senior citizens.

It sounds a lot like the Make-a-Wish Foundation to me. Except that instead of kids, they use old people. And the old people aren't dying...or, um...well, you know what I mean.

Okay, here's where I was going to write something positive about this Donna Wheeler Wish of a Lifetime stuff. I'm starting to realize, however, that this is a really fucking shitty idea.

Have you ever spent any time around old people? They absolutely live for their simple, mundane daily routine. And why the fuck would they want to go to a Van Halen recording session when they can't hear a fucking thing? Or go base jumping when they might not be able to deploy their chute because they fucking fell asleep on the way down?

Jesus Christ, what a fucking horrible idea. I can't write any more.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Subterfuge

Webster's Dictionary of American English defines 'subterfuge' as 'deceit used in order to achieve one's goal.' You might be wondering why I bring this up, and if you are wondering, then you're an idiot, a terrible fan and an awful American.

Anyway, you idiots, Ron is clearly just fucking with the Big 12 right now. A lot of people might look at our #111th-ranked defense and think, "we really suck at defense!" Well, I look at it and think to myself, "well played, sir!"

There are two things we know about Ron Prince:

1. He is smart. Really smart.
2. idk

Clearly, a man of such intellect is not actually this bad of a coach. And I have found proof. Using a superb disguise, I was able to access the subterranean vault that contains Ron's Plan. Actually, I'll be honest, there's not even a vault. I found it in the parking lot, kind of behind Planet Sub, lying against the wall near a dumpster, you know, back where that little tiny alleyway goes between the buildings? It's kind of like a secret passage back there, you can go from the parking lot behind Porter's, Hair Shapers, etc., and pop out of that little alley right onto Moro. It's a lot of fun, you should try it. Anyway, there it was, on the ground, covered in semen and vomit, so I picked it up, and read it. On page 4,390 were the following words:

"It is the aspiration of this effervescent organization to ascend with great haste to the upper echelon of our chosen sport. In this regard, it is important for us to have a shitty defense. By featuring a languid, inexpert defense against our primary sextet of opponents, we can then lull the final sextet into a false sense of security. After the sixth game (in which we will allow some random fucker to throw for 419 yards and let the worst offense in the Big 12 outgain us by over 100 yards, by the way we will 44-30 just so you know), we will unleash a breathtaking, stupefying defense the likes of which have never been seen before at any level of football. The looks of shock on our final six opponent's faces will be priceless! In this way, we will march righteously onward up the stairway to college football heaven, ascending ever-on to the greatest heights imaginable."

Now fully erect, I rushed home to post this. It's so clear now! Ron was just fucking with us! Clearly the key to consistently competing for championships is a chunk of clever chicanery! The next six games will see the return of the Lynch Mob, for it has been written, written in the Great Plan. I fully expect us to dominate defensively against Colorado this weekend. We could possibly even hold them to negative yards and points.

I am currently in the process of reading through more of the Plan and will post more information as I find it! Right now I'm on Chapter 17, "How To Succeed In College Football Without Really Trying." It's slow reading because I have to clean off the rat feces from the alleyway but in time I should be able to decipher this Glorious Plan!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Ron Prince Replacement Candidate #5

Meet Bryan McPennis. Bryan is an assistant at San Jose University. His specialty is offense.

I had the opportunity to do a phone interview with Bryan this afternoon. Here is what I can remember from our chat.

GAG: So, Bryan, are you available to take a head coaching position?

BM: Yes. Yes, I am.

GAG: How soon are you available?

BM: Well, I'm currently at San Jose University through this season...

GAG: What if someone said, "Hey, you can have this head coaching position, but you have to take it before the season is over. That's part of the deal." Would you be available sooner in that type of case?

BM: Yeah, I guess so. Probably.

GAG: All right, then, Bryan. That's all the questions I have for today. Thank you for your time. Good luck with the season.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

BUY, BUY, BUY!

Like the economy, Ronald Prince has to have hit bottom by now. The rebound is here and I, for one, will not sit by idly and not grab this opportunity. You like winners? How about utter losers that are suddenly winners? That's the opportunity you have before you here. Ron could pull one out from nowhere and you'll look like a genius! Penny stocks have made a bunch of morons some money in the past and you are dense if you think it can't happen again. What do you have to lose! In summary:

aTm 31
KSU 37

Monday, September 22, 2008

How I know Tim Tibesar is a Satanist


Lately, there has been a lot of talk about how Tim Tibesar is a Satanist. Everywhere you go these days, everyone is sharing their pet theories about how Tibesar is linked with the Hell Beast. At first, I thought this was all bullshit.

But, then I decided to really look into this. Most of you know I read at least one literary publication a week…typically either Penthouse Letters or Miniature Donkey Talk Magazine. I started doing this a few years back after having went to the "Welcome New Coach Ron Prince" event at the 810 Zone in KC when he shared with us that he read a book a week. Just one of the many things I have started doing in an effort to pattern my life after Coach Prince. So, on this particular effort I asked myself "What would Ron do."

(I do this for every decision in my life. I literally just asked myself "Would Ron Prince tell everyone that he asks himself 'What would Ron {or would it be "I?"} do.' I think he would.")

So, I decided to consult Wikipedia.

Turns out, there are like five different satanic denominations (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satanism)...which kinda amused me....but the one that caught my eye was the one founded by this dude Anton Laveyan. He apparently created the "first and largest Church of Satan." This impressed me. I see this dude as a real satanic "go-getter." Very Ron. Turns out that there are these 9 "sins" of satanism in Anton's Satanic Bible. I decided to apply these to Tibesar and see if Tibs suffers from any of these sins.

1. Stupidity: Tibesar graduated from North Dakota with a 4.0 grade point average in economics. According to the experts (http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/541491/top_5_hardest_majors_in_college.html?cat=4), economics is one the top 5 hardest college majors. No sin here.

2. Pretentiousness: Utterly absent from Tibesar. Shuns the bright lights of Fargo for the solitude of Manhattan, Kansas. Plus, he makes lots of self deprecating dick jokes.

3. Solipsism: This is the philosophical idea that "My mind is the only thing that I know exists,” but the Satanists interpret this as “Do unto others as they do unto you” (meh, that’s what it said). This one is a slam dunk. Tibs knows that Ron fucked him when he made Lamark a wideout. In return, Tibs took a dive on the Louisville game. Clearly doing to others as had been done to him. Ruthless.

4. Self-deceit: Look, Tibs doesn’t bullshit, and he for damn sure doesn’t bullshit himself. He’s not going to trick himself into thinking that he isn’t cut out for the Big 12, that he should have coached more than one year in D1 before taking over a lead coordinator job for a BCS school. Not Tibs. Very self-aware cat, IMO.

5. Herd Conformity: While the “sheep” are running the 4-3 defense, Tibs wipes his ass with the 4-3.

6. Lack of perspective: Sometimes he is in the booth, sometimes he’s on the sideline. That’s perspective.

7. Forgetfulness of Past Orthodoxies: Tibesar has seen the 4-3 repackaged a dozen times…Cover-2, Tampa-2, 4-6, Nickel, Dime…He’s not fooled.

8. Counterproductive Pride: None present. Some people would be walking around like a cock in the henhouse after the drubbing that Tibesar’s unit put on Montana State (UND’s rivals), but not Tibesar. He kept that shit in check. Laser focused on throwing the Louisville game and sticking it to Ron.

9. Lack of Aesthetics: Does not suffer from this. Have you noticed that he is “winking” in every picture? It’s true. Go check out every picture of this guy. Fucking winking in all of them. That’s a keen recognition of the aesthetics of a sweet-ass headshot.



You don't have to be Burt Reynolds to figure this one out. Tim Tibesar is a Satanist.


Obviously a interweb blog entry like this is going to generate an avalanche of attention to this topic. Maybe too much attention. Let's just hope that when the bright lights and microphones start getting jammed in Tibs' face, he has the strength to trust in his faith. It may well be the only thing that can save this team.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Cheer For KSU With No Shame

Want to attend KSU games anonymously? Go, then, and just wear a bag over your head. You already knew that, though.

What if you want to take things to the next level? Can you attend games anonymously and cheer for KSU, too? Yes, you can!

Get yourself a KSU fan mask and turn the stadium into a giant purple stormtrooper masquerade party!
  • Go to KSU games
  • Hide your identity
  • Cheer for KSU
  • Mingle with other masqueraders
  • Possibly have a good time
  • Leave your shame at home

You can have it all!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Tough To Wait This Long For More Domination


This has got to be one of the toughest stretches of a college football season I have experienced. I mean, two Saturdays in a row without a game!? Bad news for Louisiana Lafayette who Ron Prince (genius) has had two weeks to prepare for. The Cats are 2-0 going into this cupcake cakewalk of a bakery smorgasbord. 3-0 going into Big 12 play is a no-brainer. I would worry too if I was Texas Tech as you know Ronald and the staff (geniuses) have been preparing for them on the side.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

BE A GAG KSU CONTRIBUTOR

Want to contribute to this blog? Email gagksu@gmail.com and we'll sign you up.

Posting guidelines:

Don't whine.
Don't be a homer.
Don't be gay.

Humor is encouraged.
Photoshopping / ghetto MS Painting is also encouraged.

Posts that are too short, too shitty, or too off topic will be deleted. So put some fucking thought into what you're posting, okay?

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Chalmers and Arthur Probably Addicted to Hardcore Narcotics


Surprising nobody, Darrel Arthur and his BFF Mario Chalmers were busted for possession of hardcore elicit narcotics their very first day in the real world. The University of Kansas does nothing but create excellent role models for our youth. Congrats heroes!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Game Preview - Montana State

Welcome Montana State. What do we know about them? Their mascot is probably some sort of cowboy guy or maybe a horse or something. That's it. Nobody from God's wanted to travel up there and visit their stink-town and get a look at their crap-team. I'm assuming Ron Prince thought the same so look for a lot'a WTF!? moments in this one. I can see KSU getting out to an early lead and steadily increasing their lead as the game goes on. Hold onto your hats is all I'm saying. Guy on the right is former KSU QB Jonathan Beasley. He is known for two things: whining KSU fans constantly calling him underrated and the fact that he wasn't nearly as good as Michael Bishop. Don't take this game for granted is what I would tell nobody because I am taking it for granted.
Final Score - KSU 52 Montana State STFU

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Game Preview - North Texas


d00ds, GMAFB with this North Texas team. They suck, ok, horrible. Josh Freeman is going to throw for eleven hundred yards and 9 scores while kicking field goals instead of extra points to add insult to injury. You ever heard of a little something named Keithen Valentine!? Not your grandma's Valentine, because your grandma wouldn't like it when he mows her down midfield with a stiff arm to the box. She'd much rather have one of your pussyfied valentines with Garfield on it and a candy puke heart that says "be mine". North Texas is led by a quarterback who always hurts his vagina and leaves the game anyway so he won't factor in. Their backup is probably terrible as well. Didn't research their line, running backs or wide receivers because I'm that sure they are fucking terrible. Offensive preview over jerk-asses. Let's get to the D. Tons of it on the State side. Almost none on the NT side, because they blow. Players to watch for are the KSU guys. Special teams come down to who can kick and run. We know Josh Freeman can do both for tons so we get the nod there. Coaching comes down to Ron Prince (genius) vs. North Texas coach (dumbass)...you tell me who gets the coaching nod!

Final score: K-State 42 North Texas 38

Friday, August 8, 2008

Prince Re-upped? Sweet.

video

Ron Prince Extension


Congrats on your well deserved 5 year extension Coach Prince! Let's hope the next 5 are as good or even better than the last 2! GO KATZ!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Reesing Outed?

Hey, guys. Remember when that reporter guy did that story about Todd Reesing being gay and liking to suck cock and all of that? (A recap is here.) Well, Todd has responded and it looks like that reporter guy had Todd all wrong. Go to hell and suck Todd's cock, reporter guy.

video

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Reesing Outed?

Renowned kick ass journalist Tim Griffin is in the process of trying to out Kansas football douche Todd Reesing on super gay friendly ESPN.com.

In the first part of Griffin's exclusive interview, Reesing talks of his passion for dancing and sucking on cock. Reesing is rumored to have thought that he was speaking off the record and now denies saying that he likes to suck on cock.

Personally, I don't know what to believe about Reesing and sucking cock. He's probably not really gay. But here are some additional excerpts from the interview. I say you be the judge. Or don't be.

TG: So, Todd, you say that you like to suck on cock. Are you gay or what?

TR: Yep. Totally.

TG: Other than dancing and sucking on cock, what sorts of gay things do you like to do?

TR: I'm a big fan of interior design. I like watching all my design shows on TV and then sucking on cock.

TG: Do you do any designing yourself or do you just watch on TV and suck on cock?

TR: Yes, yes, and YES!

TG: Tell me about some other gay things you like to do.

TR: Well, let's see. I like to play volleyball with naked dudes.

TG: I see. You love playing all kinds of sports, don't you?

TR: Actually, I don't really care for volleyball. I just like to watch dudes' cocks flopping up and down.

TG: Let me guess. You then suck on those cocks after the match?

TR: Ewww. Gross. You mean suck on those sweaty, sandy volleyball cocks?

Um, yeah, I do. What can I say? I just love sucking on cock.

Friday, July 18, 2008

d00ds! You Know Me!


Guy at work pretty sure he isn't Ron Prince. Would appreciate it if you knocked it the fuck off RIGHT now.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Ron Prince Replacement Candidate Numbero Dos

Want to know who would make an excellent replacement for Ron Prince? Here's a hint. Who is someone that really fucking loves Manhattan? Bob Stoops, you say? Uh, yeah, that's it. Bob Stoops. I didn't expect you to get the answer so quickly, but whatever, man. You got it.

Bob Stoops fucking loves Manhattan. He fucking loves it. That much is certain. Throw on a v-neck sweater and head down to Kite's on any given night of the week and you're likely to catch Bob being Bob. That Bob is crazy, man. That dude is just crazy.

Here's another hint. Who proudly throws on a KSU logo over their officially licensed red and white (crimson and cream) coaching gear whenever the opportunity arises? ("Crimson and cream" was another hint.) Okay, yeah. Bob Stoops. We already knew that, I guess. Moving on.

CONNECTIONS. As many of you know, Stoops worked at Florida State prior to giving his notice, packing his bags, and leaving in order to have his so-called "Decade of Dominance" at Oklahoma. Well, what most of you don't know is that, prior to all of that stuff, Bob worked with ex-KSU head coach Bill Snyder at Iowa before Snyder left Iowa to coach at KSU. In a nutshell, this means that Bill Snyder knows Bob Stoops.

Now, I don't know if we want Bob Stoops or not. But all indications are that he's ours if we do. This is great news, KSU fans!

GO CATS!

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Finally Rid of that Crazy Bastard

Good luck with all of that, Pat.

Sucker.

Photobucket


KU Expansion More Than Just Clip-Art/Porta-Potties

In a bold move by anyone's standards, Lew Perkins has approved the construction of new "Ultra-Suites" at the KU football/track facility (pictured left). "We knew that, in order to keep up with the big dogs of the state of Kansas, we would need to market our attraction to the elite of the elite fans," Lew announced, "We believe that these premium seats will attract the kind of season ticket holder the University of Kansas football and field day event teams covet." It wasn't all hoopla and parades with this announcement though. KU faced stiff financial barriers in instituting such an aggressive construction effort. "We gathered cans for months and had cake raffle after cake raffle but we finally came up with the seven hundred and fifty bucks needed to make this happen," Lew told the gathered pedestrians outside of the Memorial Stadium parking lot. "We believe this puts us right up there with the Liberals and Garden Citys of the world.... Hell, we purchased our porta-potties from the same vendor Ness City got theirs from and we were told we got a newer model since Ness upgraded theirs." When asked what other expansions KU may have in store for their fans Lew gave a sly wink and suggested the work may not be done, "Coffeyville Community College may not be fourth in the state in concession locations for very many more years." Stay tuned Hawk fans, this could be an exciting ride!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Pelini May Or May Not Love Rape (Probably Does)

This week God's is continuing it's look into the culture of rape in and around the trash schools of the Big 12. We now turn our attention to the most notorious "rapers" of the bunch...Nebraska. You think the prisoners still run this asylum? This is not your slightly older brother's Nebraska, friend. Gone are the days of Tom Osborne organizing team "train rides" on innocent campus females. You see, noted drunk Bo Pelini has decided to institute a zero tolerance policy on each and every player. No longer will there be dirtbag coaches allowing the Peters and Phillips of the world to terrorize and sexually assault the campus co-eds. No sir, you see, when a TE gets his third DUI in the span of one year he will be walking a tight rope of suspension if he even THINKS about getting the fourth. If an offensive lineman gets charged with first-degree sexual assault he better pray to God that he doesn't get charged with ANOTHER first-degree sexual assault or he could be humiliated with running stairs in front of the team. We are talking about ZERO TOLERANCE here folks. God's would also like to publicly announce it's non-affiliation with the disgusting campus newspaper The Daily Nebraskan that had the gall to write a piece questioning Coach Pelini's disciplinary tactics. Have you forgotten where you reside? Have you no respect for the highest office in your state? How dare you sirs..how dare you. Your disgusting link follows > STAFF EDITORIAL: Pelini Blocks DN, Reverses Decision - Opinion

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The New Rock Chalk

From now on, rock means rape. Oh, and chalk? That also now means rape. Why? It's because Jayhawk student athletes these days just can't get enough raping. They love to rape. They fucking love it.

The latest Jayhawk to profess his fierce crush on rape is Sherron "Otis Dick" Collins. Sherron (M) (Yes, (M)!) thumbed his nose at America today when he pretended that he was too stupid to understand that he needed to go to court due to pending rape charges. (As if he's never been there before!)

It's reported that Sherron had intended to go to court. When the time came, however, he found himself to be much too busy raping.

Thanks to ksuno1stunner for the recently taken photo of Collins.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

'Grats!


GAG would like to congratulate R. Kelly and Jocques Crawford for being able to continue their careers after raping someone. Congrats heroes!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Ron Prince Replacement Candidate Numbero Uno

What do you do when you’re just not very good at life? I don’t know. Quit? Hell no. Never give up. Hire someone? No way. He may tell you to quit.

So, what do you do if one of your subordinates just isn’t very good at life? Tell him to quit? No way. That’s bad management. Hire someone that will tell him to quit for you? Hell yes!

Iowa athletic director Gary Barta is hiring a life-skills advisor for his department. This can only mean one thing. He wants someone to advise Kirk Ferentz that his life is best lived somewhere other than Iowa City.

A natural move for Ferentz would be to Manhattan, Kansas. Inside of Bill Snyder’s abdomen.

Later this year, after Ron Price waddles the sidelines for the last time, Ferentz would become the Kansas State head coach. Bill Snyder would merely serve as host coach and would act as something like a security blanket - something that KSU fans could quickly and easily look at in order to quell anxieties about the state of the football program. Basically, he’d function no differently than Tom Osborne in Nebraska.

I'm starting to feel better already. Please, God, make this happen.

GO CATS!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

How many more games will you play for KSU?

Okay, Dave, I can see that's a big zero for you. You say you had issues with trying to get an additional year of eligibility? Well, that's understandable, I suppose.

What about you, Bill? Is that a big zero for you, too? Well, just what the fuck is your problem? You have plenty of eligibility. You say that you want to get rich? No? That's not right? You say that you want to get rich, bitch. Okay, now I've got it. Go, then, young Bill. Go find your riches and your bitches and your ho's and whatever else you're looking for and go do those things that you young guys like to do. God bless America.

AND, AS ALWAYS, GO CATS!

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Stewart Excited About Prospects

Kansas State graduating point guard Clent Stewart is excited about his prospects, "You know, I've gotten some calls," Stewart remarked when asked about endorsement deals many players get. "The NCAA was quick to get in touch with me this season, I mean, they contacted me before Big 12 play started!" Stewart worried about keeping his eligibility and not breaking rules. "The NCAA kept calling and wanting to talk to me regarding their new campaign about athletes going pro in something other than sports. I was interested but had to tell them that it would have to wait until after my senior year or I could get in trouble!" Clent hopes the NCAA is still interested and assures GAG that he is, indeed, planning on going pro in something other than sports.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

NFL's #1 Most Wanted Player

We’ve been saying like forever now that Josh Freeman is the college player rated highest by the NFL. It’s a no brainer, really. Coach Ron’s reputation of developing top NFL talent alone tells us this. We need look no further than to the legend of the scumbag, burden to society, worthless POS who turned into the all pro Packer wide receiver. You look so beautiful, Jordy.

Now, however, we have solid proof. We have it from the mouths of the NFL scouts themselves that Freeman is indeed the NFL’s #1 most wanted player.

How do we know? We know because someone in the know let Jeff Martin know who then let us know. This inside info came from none other than Coach Ron himself.

I know what you are thinking. Why haven't I heard this before? Most coaches would have been trumpeting this kind of juicy yet sensational news to every major sports and sports related media source in the globe. Especially when you consider that Michael Beasley is sort of stealing all of the thunder away from the football team as the NBA’s #1 most wanted player. Put in this position, most football coaches would be like, "Me, too! Me, too!"

Coach Ron, on the other hand, just kind of casually let this info slip out while he was chatting with some alumni. But that’s just the kind of thing that separates someone like Coach Ron from all the rest. Thank God for that.

GO CATS!

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Clip-Art Confident In Sustinance

In a follow up story to a previous interview with KU football mascot Clip-Art, he's now confident he'll have a serviceable place to eat, "Looks like they're at least building a mid-level high school cafeteria for the employees to eat at....I mean, it doesn't look like much but it appears they may have room for a salad bar. Do you know when they'll break ground on the football facility?"


Monday, May 12, 2008

Off Season for Self Getting Weirder

Amidst reports that he has been running around the KU campus copping feels off of hottie co-ed victims, Bill Self has just done the unthinkable. I mean, it’s not unthinkable because of its heinous nature or anything like that. It’s just that you would never in your wildest dreams have imagined something like this happening because it’s so fucking bizarre.

Yesterday, Self was seen at the Liz Claiborne Outlet Store in Lawrence on his hands and knees and looking up skirts of store mannequins. Witnesses say that he looked up the skirts of three white mannequins and then was attempting to lift up the skirt of a black mannequin with his teeth when he realized that he was being watched and ran out of the store.

While Self has apparently done nothing illegal, he definitely weirded out a lot of people at the outlet mall. The store manager isn’t going to consider banning Self from the store, citing awesome free pub as the reason.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Generic Clip-Art Football Character Has Seen It All Now



The generic clipart football character was recently included in something he never thought he would be a part of, "You have to be absolutely fist fucking me!" said Clip-Art, "I've been on tons of cheap homemade birthday party invites and grade school pee-wee league signup sheets but this is nuts." His exasperation stems from his sudden and strange inclusion on the new University of Kansas football facility. "Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be here," said Clip-Art, "My only concern is that they may have second thoughts once they realize that the 3.1 million dollars they paid the architectural designer went straight up his nose and he shot me to them via hotmail the day his design was due. I mean, I was the third option after typing 'football player' in the Google image search."

Monday, May 5, 2008

"Self Copping Feels" Issue Continues To Fester


Despite a huge media blitz over this past holiday weekend by the University of Kansas's Athletic Department, the buzz surrounding Bill Self and his habit of copping copious amounts of Jayhawk cheerleaders continues to be a sore spot for University officials. A spokesperson for the university commented to GAG: KSU off the record that "We tend to give coaches free reign in this area, and for good reason, however, Bill's actions have us rethinking our strategy in this space."

Hard to argue with anyone wanting to grab an occasional, stray, mooseknuckle. But to do it at such an historic and tradition laden venue such as Allane Field House in Lawrence, home to KU's Jayhawks, seems to almost reek of sacrilage.

As the head of facilities at Allane Field House, Parrish McWilliams has seen his share of what he calls "handsy coaches". Quoting Mr.McWilliams "sure, Larry loved the cheerleaders, Roy loved them all, grabbed ass all the time, and tits too! But Bill Self, he takes the cake, then grabs its ass."


All the while, Coach Self tries to address the problem in a more "hands-on" manner..."I just won the National Championship!" the Coach was quoted as yelling from his Lexus as he and Mario Chalmers drove by our reporters, apparently the pair were heading to Pita Pitt this morning for an unusual and oddly timed snack break.




Friday, May 2, 2008

See pic below, dude.

Can you say Larry Eustachy? Well, by the time you do, the powers that be at the University of Kansas will have had the photo seen directly to the left removed form the Lawrence Journal-World and those responsible for its appearance fired, blacklisted, and kicked in the nads really hard. As per usual.

It's a pretty fucking good thing, then, that I learned how to "right click" followed by "save picture as" just the other day. Unfortunately, we now have documented evidence ON RECORD that the rumors you've heard about Bill Self copping feels up all around the KU campus are true, true, true. NCAA investigations are sure to follow. Major embarrassment is sure to follow that. And precede it, as well.

HERE ARE MY TERMS:

I will take this picture down when and only when the University of Kansas forfeits its 2008 national championship title. I will then not disclose any intel that I have obtained regarding Bill Self copping feels up. (Fans can keep their championship t-shirts.)

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

RON PRINCE FUN DAY!

Do you like shooting guns? At people? Well, then, what do you think about Ron Prince?

One lucky KSU fan will soon win the fourth annual Dodge City Catbacker purple pride camouflage gun. In attendance for the presentation: Coach Ron.

After he dropped Fresno State off the schedule, we weren't sure. But it seems as though Coach Ron does indeed have some balls after all.

Remember, coach: Don't squat with your spurs on.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Ron Prince Seen Making The Rounds On ESPN

In what can only lead to more good publicity for the Kansas State football program Ron Prince (pictured left) has recently been seen by this God's contributor making the rounds on the ESPN family of networks including a daily appearance on popular program PTI. Well, keep up the good work coach and we all look forward to a great 2008!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Kansas State Spring Game Recap!!


Manhattan, KS- The Purple and White game was a thrilling match-up of defensive juggernauts as the Whiteys edged the Purps by a field goal on a picture-esque day in the Valley of the Wheat on the Plains by the Dam. The White sideline erupted in orgasmic exultation upon the oblong leather inflatable soared through the perpendiculars (Above). The previously suspect defense toyed with the two offensive sides leading Sophomore Linebacker Olu Hall to sum up the day thusly: “I thought that the defense did really good on both sides of the ball.” Later adding: "And the offense totally sucked balls on the third side of the ball."


On the offensive side of the ball, Josh "16 karat Golden Boy" Freeman (Above) seemed oblivious that the state of affairs was offensive. Freeman seemed dazed and confused and brought a family-size bag of Funions and an industrial bucket of Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing to the presser explaining, "You guys have no idea. I was in the zone. We ran soooo many plays dude." Freeman and the offensive team emerged amid a plume of smoke and the Junior quarterback hinted that celebrations might have started a day early "Life is just so complex, man. It's like we were talking about life, the offense and life, you know? Do you ever think about something and then you want to say what you're thinking about, but then you start thinking about what you're saying as you're saying it and you wonder if it makes any sense at all?"

But the Weekend Fan-Fest was not quite as "festive" for everyone. Some attendees were disappointed to arrive to find that the promised pre-kick concert featuring "The Goo Goo Dolls" had been canceled. Longtime Hutchinson resident and self-proclaimed "Goo face" Jacob Douchenberry. "We hadn't heard about the cancellation. It was a real let down." To make matters worse, others pointed out that the Wamego Tulip Festival conflicted with this year's annual pigskin kick-off. Dolores and Orville Turnipson of Tecumseh, have been attending both events for 37 years together. "We've never had the both on the same day," exclaimed Dolores. "I might not make it all the way through the game," said Orville, adding "I might take a nap or two."

Overall the day can be summed up by the box score with Cherry popping one through in the fourth quarter to save the assembled faithful from the specter of more scoreless football in overtime. Cherry's 51 yard score was the perfect end to an akward first date for Wildcat players and fans. Hopefully with some more practice and confidence the future will hold some more sustained drives, some more scoring and maybe even a successful foray in to the Endzone. Wildcat fans seem willing to go there, but the team still seems to be working things out on their own. Here's hoping for a more successful and exciting season than this fucking boner bruise of a Saturday.

Really it says it all.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Lawrence, KS: Bottomless pit of awkward white guys

Kansas Jayhawk defensive coordinator Clint Bowen presents the Ray Evans Defensive MVP Award to Aqib Talib and James McClinton then wishes he understood what they said to each other.


Photobucket

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

QUICK HITS OFF THE PIPE

What's been going on so far this spring:

1. Spring game draft. Defensive coordinator Tim Tibesar surprised everyone when he took cornerback Josh Moore #1 in the spring game draft. Moore is a good pick. It's just that everyone thought he was looking at Josh Freeman. You know, because of the lazy eye or whatever it is.

2. Extra sweaty coach. Word around town is that Ron Prince has been boinking the wife of one of his assistant coaches. As hard as it is to believe considering who we're dealing with, Coach Ron will have to sweat this one out and pray to his false, evil god(s) that this thing will just kind of go away on its own.

3. Rookie coaching wanted. While Coach Ron isn't a rookie coach, in his frantic, desperate search for anything that might help save the impending disastrous season, he is seeking the counsel of those who have no experience coaching football. It's reported that Virginia defensive end Chris Long advised Coach Ron to utilize Ian Campbell in a way that would minimize his strengths. Coach Ron was surprised to discover that he hadn't adequately done exactly that last year and then thanked Chris Long for his graciousness and beauty.