Monday, September 22, 2008

How I know Tim Tibesar is a Satanist

Lately, there has been a lot of talk about how Tim Tibesar is a Satanist. Everywhere you go these days, everyone is sharing their pet theories about how Tibesar is linked with the Hell Beast. At first, I thought this was all bullshit.

But, then I decided to really look into this. Most of you know I read at least one literary publication a week…typically either Penthouse Letters or Miniature Donkey Talk Magazine. I started doing this a few years back after having went to the "Welcome New Coach Ron Prince" event at the 810 Zone in KC when he shared with us that he read a book a week. Just one of the many things I have started doing in an effort to pattern my life after Coach Prince. So, on this particular effort I asked myself "What would Ron do."

(I do this for every decision in my life. I literally just asked myself "Would Ron Prince tell everyone that he asks himself 'What would Ron {or would it be "I?"} do.' I think he would.")

So, I decided to consult Wikipedia.

Turns out, there are like five different satanic denominations ( kinda amused me....but the one that caught my eye was the one founded by this dude Anton Laveyan. He apparently created the "first and largest Church of Satan." This impressed me. I see this dude as a real satanic "go-getter." Very Ron. Turns out that there are these 9 "sins" of satanism in Anton's Satanic Bible. I decided to apply these to Tibesar and see if Tibs suffers from any of these sins.

1. Stupidity: Tibesar graduated from North Dakota with a 4.0 grade point average in economics. According to the experts (, economics is one the top 5 hardest college majors. No sin here.

2. Pretentiousness: Utterly absent from Tibesar. Shuns the bright lights of Fargo for the solitude of Manhattan, Kansas. Plus, he makes lots of self deprecating dick jokes.

3. Solipsism: This is the philosophical idea that "My mind is the only thing that I know exists,” but the Satanists interpret this as “Do unto others as they do unto you” (meh, that’s what it said). This one is a slam dunk. Tibs knows that Ron fucked him when he made Lamark a wideout. In return, Tibs took a dive on the Louisville game. Clearly doing to others as had been done to him. Ruthless.

4. Self-deceit: Look, Tibs doesn’t bullshit, and he for damn sure doesn’t bullshit himself. He’s not going to trick himself into thinking that he isn’t cut out for the Big 12, that he should have coached more than one year in D1 before taking over a lead coordinator job for a BCS school. Not Tibs. Very self-aware cat, IMO.

5. Herd Conformity: While the “sheep” are running the 4-3 defense, Tibs wipes his ass with the 4-3.

6. Lack of perspective: Sometimes he is in the booth, sometimes he’s on the sideline. That’s perspective.

7. Forgetfulness of Past Orthodoxies: Tibesar has seen the 4-3 repackaged a dozen times…Cover-2, Tampa-2, 4-6, Nickel, Dime…He’s not fooled.

8. Counterproductive Pride: None present. Some people would be walking around like a cock in the henhouse after the drubbing that Tibesar’s unit put on Montana State (UND’s rivals), but not Tibesar. He kept that shit in check. Laser focused on throwing the Louisville game and sticking it to Ron.

9. Lack of Aesthetics: Does not suffer from this. Have you noticed that he is “winking” in every picture? It’s true. Go check out every picture of this guy. Fucking winking in all of them. That’s a keen recognition of the aesthetics of a sweet-ass headshot.

You don't have to be Burt Reynolds to figure this one out. Tim Tibesar is a Satanist.

Obviously a interweb blog entry like this is going to generate an avalanche of attention to this topic. Maybe too much attention. Let's just hope that when the bright lights and microphones start getting jammed in Tibs' face, he has the strength to trust in his faith. It may well be the only thing that can save this team.

1 comment:

Michael Mahowald said...

You r one crazy person recheck yourself.