Monday, March 31, 2008

Motto Time!

Prince mottos. Let's quickly recap!

2006: Bold and Daring! (7-6)

2007: Power of One! (5-7)

Thanks to Levi Wolters for actually reading words in the media guide and getting the scoop on Ron Prince's latest stroke of genius for 2008:

Ad Astra Per Aspera!! (AWESOME!)

What's good:

1. Acknowledging that, at times, and maybe more often than not, we are going to suck really bad this year. For God's sake, don't act like there won't be difficulties. Lay it out there for everyone to see right from the get go.

2. Tie-in with state motto. It's much harder for people to hate this team when they associate it with their state. You might call it allegiance or loyalty. I call it fucking genius.

What's bad:

1. Not corporate sounding enough. In order for Prince to be successful, he needs to act like a Fortune 500 CEO as much as possible. It's obvious he understands this. That's why the new motto is something of a head scratcher. But still genius.

2. Tie-in with state motto. Kansas isn't known for much. Basketball more than football, I suppose. And you have to wonder if people watching KSU play football going to start daydreaming about sitting in Allen Fieldhouse and watching the Jayhawks make dunks and stuff.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

The Devil

Listen jerks, I'm the fucking devil, OK!?

Friday, March 28, 2008

Wait a minute P.C. America!

We here at GAG occasionally take a break from the daily grind of covering our beloved KANSAS STATE UNIVERSITY WILDCATS to comment on the hopeful, depraved, monotonous world around us (focusing primarily on the Manhattan/Konza Prairie locality and Central Plains region). That said, let me say something America (if that's even your real name) you are a p.c. nanny fart and are totally bummin me out.

In case you haven't heard, I direct your attention to some local news:

Katherine J. Harder, a language arts teacher at a Manhattan High school, in Manhattan, Kansas has been arrested and jailed on suspicion of unlawful sexual relations.
Used to be, P.C. America was a bunch of pointy-headed liberals in the ivory towers on the Atlantic coast with their fiery gaze of devil worship lasers firmly fixed on Europe. NO LONGER! Now these self-proclaimed "experts" have written laws that say that if you have a total boner for your English teacher they throw her in jail.


We here at GAG strongly object to the idea that totally horny 17-year old dudes can't get down with totally willing/hot 31-year old English teacher babes. If you take that away we predict no less than the collapse of our long revered institution of Public Education for All. If you got zits and an out of control dork, if you have a penchant for creative writing that gets your hot teach moist, if you are for freedom and liberty and everything that is right with America, than surely you will agree that this federally funded COCK BLOCK SHALL NOT STAND!

With that, I end with a hearty:


Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Snyder Buzz: Special Guest Riding

Some of Bill Snyder's favorite things to do since he was mercilessly forced out of his football coaching position by THE MAN are guest riding and special guest riding.

This weekend, Snyder will be special guest riding at the Central Championships' opening ceremonies.

Snyder said that guest riding is important for our young people and then something about leadership.

Snyder plans to publicly praise Jenny Giraldin who not only stuck to her plan to compete against Fresno State, but also triumphed against them. He then commented that the world needs more people like Jenny Giraldin and less people like Ron Prince. He then commented that his previous comment would not be included in his public address.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Signs Of Imminent Dominance: UNLV ed.

Just how loaded with talent is this KSU team? Basically, if you don't make KSU's roster, you can go and compete for a starting job at one of college football's elite programs.

That's what happened with Heivaha Mafi who is absolutely tearing shit up at spring practice.

Mafi, described as someone who "puts it all on the table to win," was dropped like a bad habit by Ron Prince, described as someone who "is only interested in championships."

"[KSU was] the No. 1 school on me," Mafi said. "They tried to get me. I went out there and visited. I liked it. I don't know what happened."

Monday, March 24, 2008

The People Have Spoken: I AM > WE ARE

I don't care how many conference and national championships Ron Prince wins in the next one to ten years, this is embarrassing. Really embarrassing.

Not all that long ago, we were all stupefied by Prince's glitzy business sense in general and apparent prodigy like aptitude for marketing in particular. "This guy could make fish and sharks and coral and other sea life love water through ingenious mass media ad campaigns," we all thought to ourselves.

We were wrong. While we were busy worshiping Ron Prince for his idea to print up some "We Are K-State" t-shirts and hold a meet and greet by the student union, some local Hollywood guru at Fresno State was winning awards, procuring sponsors, and even creating a website (!) for their own, better "I Am Fresno State" slogan.

Utterly humiliated, Ron Prince has now decided that he no longer wants to play Fresno State and is backing out of the game like a little bitch. This is the embarrising part that I was talking about before.

We are now forced to deal with the reality that, not only did we not hire the marketing genius that we once thought we did, but we also got a guy that doesn't even want to coach. Please tell me it can't get any worse!

Friday, March 21, 2008

What's on tap for 2008: Brady Kroeker

Not much happening in the world of KSU sports again, so it's time to start looking at candidates for team captain. First up is Brady Kroeker.

Kroeker's sack total fell last year to 4.5 from 11.5 in 2006, his tackles for loss from 17 to 11, but league coaches still thought enough of him to vote Kroeker first team all-Big 12 off a sketchy overall defense for the second consecutive year. He’s the best pass rushing end in the conference by reputation, and athletic enough to project as an outside linebacker in the NFL. In other words, the kid’s, you know, bona fide. These are the best pics we could find.

"I'm taking you down with me, number 18."

"You just got JACKED UP!"

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Omaha 2008: The Real Battle

When people tell me about World War II, I start leaning back in my USD 383 issued chair and drool spittle on my shirt. Whenever I come to, I let out a gaping yawn and give the teach a good "BOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRREEEENGGGGGGGGG!!!!" to let them know what's up.

Why? Do I hate history? Am I retarded? Am I an asshole? No, not really. I just like logic and facts.

FACT: Omaha is in fucking NEBRASKA holmes. I don't know where you got your shiny little Education degree (probably not at the first and most prestigious Morrill Land Grant Institution of Higher Learning with more Udall, Rhodes and Marshall scholars than any other public university) but I'm no sucker. Ok? (See: Fig. 1)

Fig. 1

FACT: Because Omaha is in Nebraska and Nebraska is in these Continental United States of America then a World War II battle could not have been fought there because guess what? I'm going to go slow for you Mr. Fantsy Pants: WORLD WAR II WAS FOUGHT IN TWO MAJOR THEATERS: EUROPE AND THE PACIFIC. IS NEBRASKA IN EITHER OF THOSE GEOGRAPHIC REGIONS? (See: Fig. fucking 1 for help)

stfu, teach.

FACT: Omaha has no beach that could accommodate, and I quote: "The Invasion Fleet was drawn from 8 different navies, comprising 6,939 vessels: 1,213 warships, 4,126 transport vessels and 736 ancillary craft and 864 merchant vessels"

So in conclusion, this history mystery has been DEBUNKED, teach. Carry on your indoctrination of America's youth with your World War II conspiracy theories. I'll be watching the real battle.



6:10 PM CST!



Wednesday, March 19, 2008


If you're like me you are sick and fucking tired of old lazy World War II vets telling you night in and night out how "brave" their storming of Omaha Beach was....Well, I will be the first to say what we have all been thinking...Where is you fucking trophy old man!? That's right, you don't have one. Kansas State, on the other hand, could bring one home if they don't embarrass themselves like our "Greatest Generation" did eleventy-billion years ago. While Michael Beasley is dominating the boards the WWII vets of the world will be dominating their pants. While Bill Walker is scoring at will Private Jefferson is asking if he can get extra apple sauce with is old man meal. Listen, moral of the story is God provides second chances to even the most inept. Join with us here at GAG to salute the brave men and women that are making their way to Omaha to see a REAL team play this weekend.

Monday, March 17, 2008





Omaha Beach II - This Time, It's Serious

Congratulations to Mark Fox.

Once a Wildcat, always a Wildcat. Nothing makes GAG happier than successful Wildcats! Congrats on leading your Wolfpack to the CBI in year four, Mark!

BFF Update. Awww.

"Yeah, I called Bill. He was just happy that they made it," Mayo said. "He was scared they weren't going to make it, and he was happy to get an opportunity to play against us and I get to play against him. We were childhood friends. I've known him since I was 3 years old, so it's pretty fun. He's my best friend in the world."


Friday, March 14, 2008

Huggs vs. Wools: It's All Over

We held out hope for Jim Wooldridge as long as was irrationally possible. But finishing with 9 wins in comparison to Bob Huggins 24 and counting, we must face the inevitable and crown Huggins the victor of Huggs vs. Wools 2007-08. Next fall keep an eye out right here on this very site for the Huggs vs. Wools vs. Asbury fantasy game. It's gonna be bitchin'. And awesome.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Snyder Buzz: Keeping Kids in Western Kansas Safe

Bill Snyder is droppin' beats and a little bit of knowledge in Dodge City's famous Casey's Cowtown Steakhouse. He is calling upon locals to volunteer to ride their horses up and down the streets of Boot Hill in the newly established Safety Patrol - especially at sundown and high noon. The Safety Patrol can be identified by either their red berets or red cowboy hats if they run out of berets. Snyder then dazzled the chow hall with some fresh hip hop beats.


"This is a difficult time for the youth of our nation. We need to guide, direct and care about our youth."

"Find a way to get involved."

"You can make a difference."

Monday, March 10, 2008

The Mighty Get Mightier

Let’s look at the new football coaches, okay?

Jeff Rodgers, special teams coordinator: Look for future KSU recruits from Texas to be rated very highly by Jeff Rodgers’ hiring will almost certainly assure that Ron Prince is able to land his first four star rated (by recruit. Thanks in advance, Randy!

Cornell Jackson, linebackers coach: Few collegiate football programs have the storied history of Cornell University. With 120 seasons of football in the books, the Big Red has collected five national titles, won 600 games and has had legendary players and coaches perform on historic Schoellkopf Field. Names such as Glenn "Pop" Warner and Heisman Trophy finalist and NCAA record-breaker Ed Marinaro have suited up for Cornell, while seven College Football Hall of Famers (including Warner, Gil Dobie and Carl Snavely) and multiple-time Super Bowl winner George Seifert have set the strategy as head coaches. Now, with Cornell alum Jim Knowles ‘87 leading the program, there’s little doubt that history will continue to be made.

Warren Ruggiero, quarterbacks coach: According to an SPLC article, "An estimated 110 copies of The Mercury, Glenville State College's weekly student newspaper were stolen in late August. Terry Estep, production manager at the paper, said someone stole the papers in two waves: first out of two bins at the student union building, and then a couple days later from another bin. In the second incident, papers were placed in trash cans, while in the first incident, the perpetrator took them.

"'Basically, I think it was an effort to kill the story,' said Estep. 'As a censorship attempt, it was rather clumsy.'

"When questioned, Estep said football Coach Warren Ruggiero, the coach suspected of swiping the papers, told school officials he took only between five and seven papers for friends and family."


Saturday, March 8, 2008


Listen chumps, nobody knows Michael Beasley like GAG knows Michael Beasley. We just imagined what would happen if he talked to us for realz about his next step and this is what would probably have been said:
Gods: Mike, you just pretty much pwnt the whole universe at basketball, reflect.
Michael Beasley: Well, fellas' first of all I LOVE your blog, I don't make a move without consulting godsawesomegift first. Second, I love staying in college for four years and just dominating the record books!
Gods: Whoaa, whoaaa, we havn't even got to that yet and you have already confirmed you will be back not only next year but the next THREE years!?
Mike: Yeah, did I stutter.
Gods: No, but the rest of my prepared questions are out the window. New questions. Would Curtis Malone make a good Director of Basketball Operations?
Mike: Yeah, he already accepted the job! You didn't hear?
Gods: No, but we are traditionally far behind the news wagon given our low budget and lack of media credentials.
Mike: Sure, he took the job. I will make sure to break all new news to godsawesomegiftksu from now on given our amazing relationship and your fantastic journalistic integrity.
Gods: Thank you sir.

Mike: No, thank you sirs. Also, I wanted to give you this million dollar bill for being just that great.
Gods: Oh sweet!

Friday, March 7, 2008

FREITAG DICKCHEESE: zwei Köpfe von betreuer Prince und Arzt Jarvik

1. Herz! 2. Authentizität! 3. Qualifiziert!

EIN! Big heart. Livingblood. #1 pumper. Of champions. Champheart. Heartionships.

ZWEI! Super real. Talkingstraight. #1 truth. Of polyvinylidene chloride. naturPeVaDlC.

DREI! Well fit. Headingclass. #1 road. Of Zion. Hören. Live. Triumph.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

God's Awesome Gift Forced Captive Breeding Program

Here at Gods we try to make up for society’s numerous embarrassments. Our newest initiative is the forced breeding of two subsets of the world’s most important and influential figures. Big 12 basketball coaches and Politicians have always been known as the gas that makes the world engine go. Now, we here are Gods are going to take that up just a few fucking notches. Breeding these two sets of awesome together may just get us to the next evolutionary jump that puts us over the edge.

Mark Turgeon has some problems. We all know it. Look at that spot in his hair, I mean, what the fuck is that!? Now look at Hillary Clinton. "WHAT!?" you say, "Hillary can't be compared to that D-Bag!" That's right, she can't, she's twice the man he is. While Mark has probably been caught cheating at D&D by his Mountain Dew drinking friends at sleepovers within the last few years, Hillary has been leading her Capital Hill softball team in slugging AND outfield assists. That's why we are looking to breed the "messed up white spot in hair" and "barely a man by even scientific standards" gene from his lineage by pairing him up with the quentisential man's man, Hillary Clinton.

Getting these two together wasn't hard. Hillary spit out the Redman she was chewing and hopped aboard before we could even give her direction. "Get loose now!" was all she said and our scientists knew to move aside. The action was over fast and our men have high hopes that we can isolate the good traits of the two while avoiding the bad. Here is what we're shooting for:

Good traits: Virility, Cocksureness, RBIs
Bad traits: Cankles, White hair spot

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

ALL UP IN THE BIG 12: At the Gyno with Bob Stoops

One of the special jobs that is a joy of my job as a Big 12 song and dance man is that I get a chance to see all of my heroes Unfiltered. Raw. Behind unguarded parachute pants and pullovers. This week, it was my honor to execute an invitation to Bob Stoops’ annual pap smear. Now, I rarely watch movies and haven’t seen Dog Day Afternoon, but I was recentely seriously considering executing a renewal of my Nexflix subscription. I’m just not sure about it, though.

Bob was particularly stoked about this year’s Sooner men’s football squadron. In particular, although I wasn’t permitted to bring my backup voice recorder into the Crimson and Cream Exam Suite, basically Bob was all like, "same shit, different year." While I agree with Bob’s point that their new, fake bake quarterback guy, just as with all other OKU QBs in history, is merely a product of the talent athletes that surround him and has zero chance of NFL teams sniffing in the general direction of his asshole, that’s not all.

Bob also has an exceptionally handsome and distinguished looking penis. What really caught my eye, though, was the gaping, olympic size of Stoops’ scrotum. When the appropriate time came, I just couldn’t refrain from inquiring about whether the diameters of his balls were equally as impressive. Bob then told some distasteful joke that I really didn’t get at all or appreciate. Then, he instructed me that looking was allowed but touching wasn’t. I don’t know if it was the way he said it or what, but that comment just kind of definitely weirded me out a bit.

The doctor had discarded her latex gloves by that time and insisted that we join her for a drinky drink around the corner. I already had the football scoop that I needed for my readers, though, and a deadline in addition to that. So, friends, when you see Bob Stoops on the sidelines this year, DO NOT miss his huge fucking bulge! GO CATS!

Monday, March 3, 2008

MY TAKE: 800 W’s Ain’t What it Used to Be

I’ll acknowledge Duke Basketball Head Man Mike Krzyzewski when and only when he reaches at least 1000 wins, thank you very much.

While I’m not one of those nut job conspiracy theorist nuts who believe that Duke Basketball gets more than its fair share of love from ESPN and/or Dick “Wyoming Cowboy basketball 'til I die” Vitale, the amount of attention paid to Mike Krzyzewski’s so-called “milestone” tastes more like Pepto Shitsmol to me.

I’m not trying to take anything at all away form Mike Krzyzewski. He’s been doing a satisfactory enough job, I suppose, and even seems to be in pretty decent standing with John and Jane Taxpayer as well as with Jesus Christ. He was, after all, able to retain his position despite nearly one million calls for his puny weasel head during the lacrosse stripper sex scandal eight long years ago.

Look, all I’m saying is that I’m sick of all these people who think that we need to be going out of our way to acknowledge Mike Krzyzewski in any way. That’s my point. And, also, right now is just not a good time for this, man.

Back in the days when alchie dinosaurs like Eddie Sutton were crossing the 800th victory plateau, there were, like, only three or four other guys on the list of guys with 800 wins. Now, it’s like everyone and their fucking grandma’s coach is on the list. And, trust me, most of these guys you’ve never heard of. I’m sorry, but just who the fuck are Adolph Rupp, Dick Sauers, and Jerry Tarkanian? Anyone?

Acknowledge Mike Krzyzewski for winning 800 games? I don’t think so. At least not before we acknowledge Klagenfurt.