FRIDAY DICKCHEESE: Sports Writers

First it was Roger Clemons. Then it was Barry Bonds. Then it was the humiliating Joe Dumars incident which was closely followed by that disgusting mistake with Ralphie the Buffalo. And then whole the London Eye/Millennium Wheel thing. But what about right now? Right now, it is all Michael Beasley (pictured right, above Mac Stevenson). Michael Beasley. Not surprisingly, it looks like sports writer nation has it dreadfully wrong yet again.

I mean, what the fuck is so fucking great about Michael Beasley? Seriously, dude. Forget about the fact that his game has more holes than a huge field totally filled with tons and tons of holes in it. HE’S A CRYBABY FLOPPER. AND SOFT. Michael Beasley. That’s right. What the sports writers won’t tell you is that Michael Beasley doesn’t slice the salami of the NBA’s jib. But that’s not their fault. They’re just too dumb to see it. Which is their fault.

For example, Mac Stevenson (pictured right, below Michael Beasley), who writes that KU plays like “a bunch of frightened freshman,” has guards that are “substandard on both offense and defense,” and is a team that is “going downhill on a fast horse,” really, really likes Michael Beasley a lot. He basically thinks that Michael Beasley is pretty much a badass. But that’s cool. I’m cool with Mac.

Current events in senility aside, though, don’t be shocked if Michael Beasley slips and slides all the way down to the second round of the NBA draft. Michael Beasley. Professional NBA scouts are paid in money to know like they know their backs and hands when a player’s lines of stats are way over inflated due to being on a fucking awesome team that also happens to have a fucking awesome coach. Shithead sports writers aren’t.

God's Forced Captive Breeding

Here at Gods we try to make up for society’s numerous embarrassments. Our newest initiative is the forced breeding of two subsets of the world’s most important and influential figures. Big 12 basketball coaches and Politicians have always been known as the gas that makes the world engine go. Now, we here are Gods are going to take that up just a few fucking notches. Breeding these two sets of awesome together may just get us to the next evolutionary jump that puts us over the edge.

Our third forced breeding brings together a man who may very well be our next president and your mom....and Scott Drew and Mr. Rogers watch. Some people have questioned the scientific reasoning for this experiment. Some have even been as bold as to say it wasn't needed. Some even had the iron nuts to say we weren't even breeding coaches and politicians. We here at Gods hear your complaining and shrug it off like a polo cardigan after a set of mixed doubles before brunch. The reasoning is simple, if Scott Drew is such a Baptist son of a bitch why does he sit there smacking Mr. Rogers on the ass while watching McCain engage the enemy from behind? Now you see what's going on. Drew ISN'T EVEN BAPTIST probably. HE CHEATS ON HIS WIFE from what I've written. HE SMOKES MARIJUANA CIGARETTES AND BUYS MALE PROSTITUTES OFF E-BAY as far as you know. Baylor made a mistake in hiring him and your mom made a mistake in sleeping with John McCain. I mean, Mr. Rogers is dead for Christ's sake, what kind of sick freak is she?

Gods' scientists didn't even know McCain was visiting your mom's honey wagon but their guess is the good traits they hope to see in the offspring and the bad traits they hope to avoid are as follows.

Good: Being a presidential contender

Bad: Being a whore, finding your spanky sock and confronting you about it, sleeping with your dad

RUMOR CIRCULATING

There is a rumor going around that FOG (friend of GAG) Jeffrey Martin will have a Friday Forum featuring two almost certainly terrible contributors and one really, really, really, really good contributor

http://blogs.kansas.com/kstated/

Make sure to visit to see if this rumor comes to fruition.

GAG endorses Frank Martin!

God's Awesome Gift: KSU is proud to formally offer its endorsement and full support for Frank Martin's current bid to become the next President of Cuba. Frank Martin has been a long and outspoken critic of the Communist regime in his native Cuba. Martin was quoted in his recent conversation with renowned Latin American political luminary Mark Janssen as saying, of Cuba, "Those are the guys I want to coach." When asked to comment about the recent election of Raúl Castro, Martin said he didn't like to "... sit back and hope people miss. It's not my personality. It's not who I am. I like attacking" clearly answering any questions about possible second thoughts in light of Sunday's ballot returns.

God's Awesome Gift: KSU admires the spirited fight and vigor that Martin exudes. While we here at GAG would be sad to see Coach Martin depart our beloved hamlet of wondrous basketopia, it would clearly be for the greater good of the world. Much like his name sake José de San Martín, El Libertador, who led a march through South America bringing Freedom and terrific basketball; Frank Martin destiny of global domination cannot be bound by the wheat fields of the Flint Hills or the Ale Houses of Aggieville. Frank, you have liberated us too, you see. From shitty hoops and from Bob Huggins' sweaty advances on our unsullied, young barmaidens.
God Bless you Frank Martin and we wish you well.



!VIVA LA Revolución FRANK-O

High Five: Big 12 Hoopz

1. Kansas State. Duh. This team is pretty much untouchable at this point. Michael Beasley. Even though a championship game between undefeated Memphis and Kansas State is what all but a few very biased college sports fans have been dreaming about, Kansas State is kicking ass and not showing any signs of letting up with the rock. Beasley.

2. Texas. Yeah, sure, there’s a big drop off between the best and the nextest bestest in this conference, but Texas is a salt team with the big hearts of courage. Don’t forget: Kevin Durant might be the second best college player ever in history. And he was on this very team just one year ago!

3. Texas A&M. Man, do I ever love the job that Mark Turgeon is doing. He has the Aggies on some really long winning streak and is impressing the shit out of a lot of people.

4. Baylor. Haven’t seen them yet. They seem real good, though. Scott Drew, turnaround, doldrums, amazing, etc.

5. Kansas. This is a young, up-and-coming team that seems to get a little better every day. Bill Self not only has the preseason’s top rated backcourt, but he’s also swimming freestyle in an ocean of what I call go-to player leaders.

Extreme Logo Makover: Turd Polishing

Everyone agrees that the only thing lamer than the Powercat logo is its name. At the same time, people seem very reluctant to scrap the design altogether. We understand this. That's why when we submitted this conceptual design idea to Kansas State University President Jon Wefald, we didn't aim to completely abandon the old design. We just tweaked it a bit. Made it cooler. Better. More now. We think this totally kicks ass.

X-CAT

MY TAKE: Keep NBA Talent In College!

Remember how, when you were younger or maybe still today, your father would take you to a college basketball game and relentlessly heckle the no talent scrubs sitting at the end of the bench? Well, what once provided an opportunity to laugh and have some special bonding stuff going on is now signaling the beginning of a full on crisis mode situation.

You see, amigos, the latest from the kenpom data bank indicates that the end of the bench, very much like certain global warming conditions, is growing and expanding at a crazy scary rate.

Take, for example, Tier 1 elite Duke and Tier 2 elite Kansas. Their present twin strategies to avoid recruiting NBA talent at all costs have resulted in teams consisting entirely of four year player, end of the bench type scrubby scrubs.

No doubt, your initial reaction is, so what? More scrubs, more heckles, more family fun, right? WRONG! So what’s the big fucking deal, then? Well, I’ll tell you, dude.

Teams that consist entirely of four year player, end of the bench type of scrubby scrubs have a name: mid majors. But when’s the last time you watched a game between two mid majors? Nobody wants to watch that shit, man. Point proven.

If the entire whole of college basketball becomes a huge dirty bathtub full of mid majors, no one will be interested. No one will watch on television. No one will go to games. And, I’m telling you right now. Those kinds of things are not good for college basketball. They just aren't.

In conclusion, for the sake of the college game, KEEP NBA TALENT IN COLLEGE! Peace, man. GO CATS!

Local D-Bag Uses Powers In Hypnosis To Wed Non-Ugly Bride